Wednesday, June 29, 2016


Summer is for bare hands popping bubbles and tossing balloons;

For bare feet feeling the soft green grass;

For bare legs that want to show off a year’s worth of work;

For bare bums of babes that refuse to put on clothes on such a beautiful day;

For bare hearts ready for the ultimate summer love.

Why then do I feel so melancholy, depleted, apathetic, meh?
Have I experienced something so special, so sacred that I cannot recover?
Am I going through the grief cycle and finally hit the depression stage, where I sit
Waiting for acceptance?

I’m tired.
I’m tired from the preparations and anticipations of rejection.
I’m burnt out from setting up high walls to protect me from a small word.
There are things to do: chores, errands, but I feel like sitting here doing
I sit here watching YouTube, searching for the meaning of
Depression? Maybe, but I feel fine as long as you don’t ask me to do
Depression, except the pills say I should be fine.
Depression, except yesterday was okay.
A hug, a touch, a familiar voice, I feel alive,
I feel.
Silence brings apathy on a summer’s day where the ground feels warm beneath my
Where I see green grass, blue skies, and children chasing the ice cream truck.

But I see it all from my living room window

and feel it briefly as I walk the dog in and
Barely acknowledging, barely aware, where I feel I could burst into song or


Thursday, February 18, 2016

February: My Miracle Month

February is filled with so many things to do and be for me. My sister's birthday starts off the month. My husband and I usually try and throw an elaborate Valentine's Day dinner and dance. My husband's birthday is next, then Valentine's Day proper. We switch the Day around so that Ben is the recipient of the Day and he does stuff for me a month later. This way there's no pressure to give and be for him.

(I hate the commercials and ads stating that if you didn't get this expensive jewelry/flowers/chocolates/gift/etcetera for your wife/girlfriend/significant other, then you are LAME! You have failed! You are not a man and should be shamed! At least that's how we've perceived it anyway.)

Then there's my kid's birthday. It's the DOG'S birthday, too, if you can believe that!

There are parties that are added onto those special days (except the dog) because often the birthday itself doesn't land on a convenient day for a party but you can't just ignore the actual DAY. So there are about three to four parties to plan, and that's just the first half of the month! I also have college to freak out about on top of that. Days off from my kid's school that don't correlate with my school. Not to mention all the other weekly tasks and being-a-good-friend moments sprinkled here and there.

But those are just icing. Yes, all the craziness is like a gift because it reminds me of the miracles I have in my life.

I have had seven pregnancies. I only have one child. After miscarriage number five, we spent a year figuring out the issue and finding ways to solve it so I could have a successful birth. By baby number six we figure it out, just a little too late. We wait for my body and mind to heal and then gave our everything, time, money, medication, to squeak out one last opportunity. (My soul could only afford one more time.)

We prayed. We fasted. We hoped, and when those two little blue lines showed up (five tests later) I punch-fisted the air KNOWING this was it! I KNEW our prayers had been answered.

It wasn't easy. Lots of shots. Lots of throwing up. Lots of freak-outs, but in the end we received a squished-headed, scrawny and screaming baby boy. He was smaller than everybody but me expected. I couldn't even look at him when my husband showed him to me because I didn't want it to be just a dream. But he was real!

He was my miracle.

During the last few months of my pregnancy, my husband's health was showing signs of something serious. We weren't sure how serious until just two weeks after our son was born. Cancer. Colo-rectal. Stage 3. How could that be?! He was only 26 years old! But it was. So off to Arizona we went. We spent our first Mother's and Father's day there. We met amazing people and had some very difficult times, but then it was over...

Not really...

But we made it...sort of... We still suffered hardship after hardship, but we did it together! Through it all we received SO MANY blessings! One of which was that we have had the opportunity to be together all time. We both have been around to raise our son together! We have been a 24-hour/365 days family. The first one to really start to break off and go on their own was our son when he went to school for the first time last year. It truly has been a blessing!

So, My Miracle Month. I have the responsibility to care for not one but TWO miracles: my husband and my son. It truly is a miracle that they are both still around and continue to grow and learn and that I'm here to see it all happen.

 If I include all the Specials in this month, there is still my dog, Lucie. You may not think that's very special and that I'm some dog nut, you'd only be half right! Lucie, is herself a miracle! She was an abused dog and was left out on her own when she was found and taken to the SPCA. She's a black lab which means she should be this crazy and goofy dog, but she isn't. She is this totally sweet and calm and loving dog. She's intuitive and won't leave my side when I'm not well. I was training her to be a therapy dog, but due to her abuse and abusers she is unable. BUT she's plenty of therapy to me and those she comes in contact with.

There's also my sister. We haven't been as close as may have wanted over the years, but I think she's amazing! She has been through SO much and she has become so much more than I think even SHE thought she could be. She is an inspiration to many around her. If you knew her story you would agree that she is a Miracle as well.

Despite all the crazy that is February, I am GLAD I have it! I feel blessed to be a part of so many Miracles! I'm happy that I get reminded every year of these blessings. You may think that sounds petty, that I should know that and celebrate it all year round. And I do, but February gives me a month to renew and remember more thoroughly. I get to evaluate how I show my appreciation to all involved and try to perfect my ways.

My Miracle Month, I love you!

Friday, January 15, 2016

To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: I Jumped

I jumped. I didn't know too much about it. I was quite naive really. You see, I thought I jumped a LONG time ago...

I thought I jumped when I LITERALLY jumped out of an airplane (a few times) with a parachute. That was just falling with style.

I thought I jumped when I decided to be baptized LDS with little to no support. That was a following in His footsteps.

I thought I jumped when I put my whole faith in God the Father and live His ways and leave mine behind completely. That was a leap of faith.

I thought I jumped when I got married to a man much younger than I am. That was a step in the right direction.

I thought I jumped when I chose to take painful shots to sustain a difficult but blessed pregnancy each and every day. That was walking on the right path.

I thought I jumped when my husband was trying to make it through Hell. I just fell into a bellyflop.

I thought I jumped when we decided to leave everything we knew behind and move to a place so foreign to us it felt like we belonged. That was choosing the right.

No, I jumped just a few days ago without really understanding what I was doing. I thought I was jumping onto a scary ride for me. Something akin to Tower of Terror at Disneyland's California Adventure. Where the journey was scary and I wanted to jump out of line several times, even back out at the last moment. But I didn't because I saw younger, smaller, bigger, taller, everywhere in between going on with little to no care. I thought the ride would be scary but when I got off I would realize it wasn't as bad as I thought.

I was wrong.

What I did was something I've been doing for a year now. I signed up for yet another semester of college. I've been at this "starting over" point for some time and thought nothing of returning to the stressful horrors that is college for your not-so-average student. I was weary and frustrated, but still a willing participant.

And then I jumped.

Just like in Steve Harvey's pep talk video, I crashed into the side of the cliff, clothes torn, shoe lost. And it hasn't even been a week yet!! I feel like I have no direction but down. I have jumped from a very high place and no one can do anything except watch in horror and pray for me. I will get shouts of help on when and how to steer so as to avoid the mountain side. But other than that, I'm on my own. Just me and God.

And I'm feeling it. I'm feeling the loneliness, the desperation, the struggle, the desire to just give up on any hope of my parachute opening before I painfully make that *SPLAT* sound on the ground.

I have seen those who make a literal jump and literally crash to the ground. To be found broken and bruised and their lives changed forever...or not.

I don't know what is to become of me. I don't know when my parachute will open. I don't know how to let go and let God take the reigns so I stop ramming my body into the wall. Or maybe that's what He wants and I'm supposed to learn from that.

I. Don't. Know.

I jumped at first with a smile on my face but now I'm terrified. But fall I must. I must also have faith that this is all for my benefit. That someday this pain will pass and I can brush off and think that this ride wasn't as bad as I thought it was.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Surgically Altered and the Silver Lining

I went into pre-op on Tuesday this week for a couple of "emergency" surgeries (meaning I've been waiting a month to get these authorized), and it just made the whole thing more REAL.

I have had such bad lady problems, I would have done ANYTHING to make it all stop right then and there. But I've had things under control for about a month now, and except for the pills that make me aBSoLuTeLy BoNKeRS, I'm fine. :)

Same thing with my gut. Some days I feel I am in so much Pain, I can do the surgery right there on my own, by myself, and still be in less Pain. And then there's right now. I hurt but it's just uncomfortable if anything. Except for the impending Pain and the complete exhaustion I have fighting it, I'm fine. :)


I don't take a lot (if any) medications because 1. I don't really need any and, 2. I can't stand the side effects. Sure, Tylenol and Ibuprofen help with Pain and inflammation, but they kill my liver, kidneys, and stomach (I'm very sensitive).

So, when it comes to surgeries where they use Needles to pump drugs and fluids into me, let's just say  I don't get all giddy about it.

Needles are on my Enemy list. When I was a child, I had several doctor visits matched with much blood work. I had nurses, doctors, phlebotomists, and my mother yelling at me to NOT MOVE or the Needle would break in my arm and I would DIE.

I was not a Screamer or an extreme Wiggler, so I suppose they were trying to scare me just in case. Well, it worked!

I am also not a big fan of burning body parts or removing them (both of which I am scheduled to do). I definitely like the benefits of having all my body parts in tact, but I guess mine are faulty and something must be done. Barring a touch-of-Christ's-robe kind of miracle, I suppose surgery is the only real option for me.

But I am looking for the Silver Lining among the clouds...

After the Pain subsides and Healing truly begins, I won't have the Pain and mess of faulty Lady Parts anymore. I will still get to keep them (if this particular procedure works) and their built-in hormone regulators.

I have spent decades struggling with my weight and I see the gallbladder removal surgery as an opportunity to help with that. For just a few days (or more) I will be on a limited diet to help clear out any residual operating medications and not be sick. After that, I will slowly adjusting my body to food that is easy to digest. I have had several friends and colleagues suggest I can go back to eating whatever I want, I just have to be near a bathroom within about 30 minutes. But if I am to use this surgery, and its subsequent side effects, to my advantage, I better make a true Lifestyle Change.

I will be eating Clean but on my own terms. Part of my issue was trying to eat better while watching others around me not sharing my eating options. My dear husband has offered to eat with me and help me find a way to eat Clean that is more Me and not what others say I should be. I love that I have been so blessed. 

Unfortunately, these procedures cost money, despite my low-cost Obamacare. So, I have set up a GoFundMe Account to help offset charges. Through the help of my amazing friends, I believe I will reach my goal and not have to worry about money along with everything else weighing on my mind.

Despite my hardships (and I know everyone has their story, but this is mine), I truly feel God's love for me. I feel watched over and care for, and I am grateful. My cup runneth over!

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Wrinkle Me This

Are wrinkled faces and grey hairs SO BAD that we spend over $2 BILLION dollars a YEAR on trying to get rid of them or at least hide them?!

Why are we trying to hide the fact that we are indeed getting older? So what if you got grey hair and you're not even 30 yet?! You have wrinkles around your eyes and mouth?!?! GET OUT OF TOWN! You mean you smile and laugh a lot and your face really shows it?!?!

Seriously, folks?!?!

I'm pretty sure you don't look like this...
and if you do, you probably don't care so much about it anymore because you found more important things to focus your energy where you put your teeth!

So what if you think you look more like the picture on the right than on the left...
You. Are. REAL! You have real kids, a real life. If you have people in your life suggesting you look anything BUT real, may I suggest removing them from your life...

Monday, August 3, 2015

It's not Cancer, and why I'm not happy about it


This post may get a little gory. I will try to stray from details in hopes you will get the gist of the conversation...

I have been bleeding for 60 days now and I'm in the gray area of Crazy. I have been bleeding excessively for about 50 of those days. I have been tested for Cancer, Thyroid, Polyps, Cysts, Hormones, Hemoglobin, Cholesterol, Diabetes, and Iron. The only thing that came back positive was Cysts. Despite my weight and this bleeding issue, I am in very good health. ALL my numbers are so good in fact that no one seems to be too concerned with my bleeding issue except me!

I know this is going to sound absolutely BONKERS but I wish I had Cancer! Cancer is something people have heard about. Cancer is something doctors have figured out how to fix! My bleeding issue, and the fact that my body can "handle it" is something no one around me understands. Short of either a miracle of Biblical proportions or a complete hysterectomy, there seems to be nothing for me if I still wanted to try to conceive! (I know I have said that we cannot have another baby, but I still have that glimmer of hope and if my uterus is gone so is that hope. And, no, adoption is not an option either.)

I have heard enough "I'm sorry" or "It's not THAT bad" or "We all have something, don't we" to last me into the Eternities!

I cannot leave my house without the real possibility of bleeding through all my clothes. I've done that going from one floor of my house to the next! (*GORY*) I have soaked through a "super" tampon, 2 pads front to back (at the same time), panties, Garments, 2 pairs of pj bottoms, and a towel in less than 30 minutes in one sitting.

"How can I possibly still be living after a bleed out like that?!?!" you may ask. Or you might say, "I've done something similar and I didn't it was as bad as you're portraying it." I have these two scenarios as examples of what has been said to me.

 Some of you might be thinking that if I DID have Cancer, the doctors would still remove offending body parts that I hoped to save. Yes, you are correct BUT the advantage of Cancer over my mystery is that it wouldn't be a mystery. When I tell the doctors a symptom they wouldn't look at me with some confused expression. They could tell me that the symptom is normal for a Cancer patient, and we'd move forward.

I am at my wit's end. I am crazed with confusion and frustration. I am broken in many ways.

Would Cancer be better? I cannot give you my honest opinion. I have dealt with Cancer in my family (husband, aunt, grandfather, friends) and made it through alright.When faced with a medical anomaly, with more questions than answers, with less options than I would like, crazy thoughts come to mind.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Googled to Death...LITERALLY!

   Have you ever went to Google to search your symptoms? I'm not a big fan because I don't want to walk in to the doctor's office and tell them my findings from WebMd or Wiki. That being said, we did a quick check for Ben a little over 6 years ago. The answers we received are the typical ones I see: something that's no big deal, or cancer. Well, of course, as you know, it was indeed cancer. A few months later when treatment and surgeries were over, a new complication occurred. Again, because time was of the essence, we Googled Ben's symptoms: no big deal, or necrotizing fasciitis (yeah, I Googled that). And, once again, it was the worst case scenario.

   Now it doesn't always turn out to be the worst thing you could ever imagine...when Ben is searching for something. Me, on the other hand, I ALWAYS get cancer as my top answer to whatever is ailing me (according to Google), so I never look there. I am a big proponent of looking in medical books I've acquired over the years or calling my handful of medical professional friends I know and trust. This way when I visit the doc's office I have accredited sources.

   I have had Google be right with the cancer scare when I was having localized pain in my abdomen a little over 10 years ago. The doctor was very concerned it might be pancreatic cancer but was hoping it was simply pancreatitis (Googled that too). Thankfully it was the latter!

Who knew such a tiny little organ could cause so much pain!

   Well, I am 0 for 3 again on the Google searching: Doctors are concerned I may have a clot in my left leg, and wait for it...CANCER! Of course, what we are hoping for is perimenopause. I have a scan today to search for the clot and a series of tests to run in a couple of weeks for the other stuff.

   Not to sound brave or anything, but I'm not worried. Maybe I will be if I get the bad diagnosis. Right now it's a game of Hurry Up and Wait, but at least I will get answers. It may turn out to be like a choose-your-own-adventure series, but I'm up for the challenge...I think...

   I will keep you updated on everything. In the meantime, prayers, good thoughts, that sort of thing are a good thing to have in my corner right now. It may be nothing big, but it's always good to be prepared, right!