tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29818434799881745812024-03-13T12:38:10.170-07:00Passanando FamYou and him and me...Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger134125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-68190653145256520112016-06-29T17:09:00.002-07:002016-06-29T17:09:46.630-07:00Summertime<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Summer is for bare hands popping bubbles and tossing balloons;</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RSQ3nOKba6Q/V3RcAIV84BI/AAAAAAAAJsM/Gk2xhoWbv8gibzOU4sg4rs7rWoixy28vACLcB/s1600/blowing-bubbles-sm_0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RSQ3nOKba6Q/V3RcAIV84BI/AAAAAAAAJsM/Gk2xhoWbv8gibzOU4sg4rs7rWoixy28vACLcB/s1600/blowing-bubbles-sm_0.jpg" /></a></span></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4ml8y7k5AyA/V3RcCqWoo8I/AAAAAAAAJsU/cL9iTZ_wRGIKygaXpEFkZtjwkAIjx8iHACKgB/s1600/water%2Bballoons.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="165" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4ml8y7k5AyA/V3RcCqWoo8I/AAAAAAAAJsU/cL9iTZ_wRGIKygaXpEFkZtjwkAIjx8iHACKgB/s200/water%2Bballoons.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For bare feet feeling the soft green grass;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 14.6667px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">For bare legs that want to show off a year’s worth of work;</span><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KPEm7dT4DNs/V3Rbr_PSZCI/AAAAAAAAJsc/YKyiMKnsT7E2RhbUsnKB2qfWCYDHh9O2QCKgB/s1600/amazing-legs-opener-400x400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KPEm7dT4DNs/V3Rbr_PSZCI/AAAAAAAAJsc/YKyiMKnsT7E2RhbUsnKB2qfWCYDHh9O2QCKgB/s200/amazing-legs-opener-400x400.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For bare bums of babes that refuse to put on clothes on such a beautiful day;</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 14.6667px; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"> For bare hearts ready for the ultimate summer love.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Why then do I feel so melancholy, depleted, apathetic, meh?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-B8DdiiDKV7k/V3RdlOQlDoI/AAAAAAAAJsk/v8qGUPFX33E2NtcWKMMeoP1mE2zV5H9PACLcB/s1600/grumpy%2Bmeh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="249" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-B8DdiiDKV7k/V3RdlOQlDoI/AAAAAAAAJsk/v8qGUPFX33E2NtcWKMMeoP1mE2zV5H9PACLcB/s320/grumpy%2Bmeh.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Have I experienced something so special, so sacred that I cannot recover?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bdtInHni6O8/V3ReE4wGmAI/AAAAAAAAJss/aVxe1ROg6WELPbMuWLkIgtj6-E8cMjaXgCLcB/s1600/sky%2Bclouds.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="174" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bdtInHni6O8/V3ReE4wGmAI/AAAAAAAAJss/aVxe1ROg6WELPbMuWLkIgtj6-E8cMjaXgCLcB/s320/sky%2Bclouds.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Am I going through the grief cycle and finally hit the depression stage, where I sit</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Waiting for acceptance? </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cGK-bi1FBYY/V3RfMnEkbDI/AAAAAAAAJs4/Gg0eX9ObHy46mVYYD9b_77qd-n-huiAfwCLcB/s1600/charlie-brown-waiting-by-mailbox.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cGK-bi1FBYY/V3RfMnEkbDI/AAAAAAAAJs4/Gg0eX9ObHy46mVYYD9b_77qd-n-huiAfwCLcB/s320/charlie-brown-waiting-by-mailbox.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m tired.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m tired from the preparations and anticipations of rejection.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m burnt out from setting up high walls to protect me from a small word.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-siyfZ77w3y8/V3Rfyj0_XMI/AAAAAAAAJtE/Xu4md6IKrR88biYdYpa9SfPkJgMQUlrIACLcB/s1600/walled%2Bheart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-siyfZ77w3y8/V3Rfyj0_XMI/AAAAAAAAJtE/Xu4md6IKrR88biYdYpa9SfPkJgMQUlrIACLcB/s320/walled%2Bheart.jpg" width="315" /></a></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There are things to do: chores, errands, but I feel like sitting here doing</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nothing.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I sit here watching YouTube, searching for the meaning of</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Life. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Depression? Maybe, but I feel fine as long as you don’t ask me to do</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Anything. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Depression, except the pills say I should be fine.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YGd7Ysf0qBw/V3RghaVlCwI/AAAAAAAAJtQ/wUr0Sg2PiLgUCXC0xfjb5cOXBmRqBHrRACLcB/s1600/pills.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YGd7Ysf0qBw/V3RghaVlCwI/AAAAAAAAJtQ/wUr0Sg2PiLgUCXC0xfjb5cOXBmRqBHrRACLcB/s1600/pills.jpg" /></a></span></div>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Depression, except yesterday was okay.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A hug, a touch, a familiar voice, I feel alive,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I feel.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-c9sxWdhuF3I/V3RiCf_gULI/AAAAAAAAJtg/QOvXG7QWqF4NZmkCS5qmoCsNkkJc3ANSQCLcB/s1600/one%2Bday.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-c9sxWdhuF3I/V3RiCf_gULI/AAAAAAAAJtg/QOvXG7QWqF4NZmkCS5qmoCsNkkJc3ANSQCLcB/s320/one%2Bday.jpg" width="213" /></a></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Silence brings apathy on a summer’s day where the ground feels warm beneath my </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Feet.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Where I see green grass, blue skies, and children chasing the ice cream truck.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nh-iYLvCgBA/V3RiVjWoTaI/AAAAAAAAJto/uJHub84PfscX_BGlbDu4cu7UKayYFJB6QCLcB/s1600/ice%2Bcream%2Btruck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nh-iYLvCgBA/V3RiVjWoTaI/AAAAAAAAJto/uJHub84PfscX_BGlbDu4cu7UKayYFJB6QCLcB/s200/ice%2Bcream%2Btruck.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I see it all from my living room window</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AFaeaRYlDGk/V3RjGPp9fII/AAAAAAAAJt0/WksA5AL4IC87CZ2ssOB6yPlxuEm9RCsYgCLcB/s1600/watching.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AFaeaRYlDGk/V3RjGPp9fII/AAAAAAAAJt0/WksA5AL4IC87CZ2ssOB6yPlxuEm9RCsYgCLcB/s320/watching.jpg" width="287" /></a></span></div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and feel it briefly as I walk the dog in and </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Out.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Barely acknowledging, barely aware, where I feel I could burst into song or</span></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-79eb536f-9e7c-3266-4d64-d17d0d1dd6ec"></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Not. </span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-32653629446756244622016-02-18T15:11:00.001-08:002016-02-18T15:12:27.923-08:00February: My Miracle Month<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FddMnrup8AI/VsYwzsbLfsI/AAAAAAAAJn8/BAoC10jqwbk/s1600/You_are_the_miracle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FddMnrup8AI/VsYwzsbLfsI/AAAAAAAAJn8/BAoC10jqwbk/s320/You_are_the_miracle.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
February is filled with so many things to do and be for me. My sister's birthday starts off the month. My husband and I usually try and throw an elaborate Valentine's Day dinner and dance. My husband's birthday is next, then Valentine's Day proper. We switch the Day around so that Ben is the recipient of the Day and he does stuff for me a month later. This way there's no pressure to give and be for him.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Z681orLauGE/VsY6PdbZ09I/AAAAAAAAJoM/rIGKpChJylc/s1600/happy-birthday-messages-for-friends.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Z681orLauGE/VsY6PdbZ09I/AAAAAAAAJoM/rIGKpChJylc/s320/happy-birthday-messages-for-friends.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
(I hate the commercials and ads stating that if you didn't get this expensive jewelry/flowers/chocolates/gift/etcetera for your wife/girlfriend/significant other, then you are LAME! You have failed! You are not a man and should be shamed! At least that's how we've perceived it anyway.)<br />
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Then there's my kid's birthday. It's the DOG'S birthday, too, if you can believe that!<br />
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There are parties that are added onto those special days (except the dog) because often the birthday itself doesn't land on a convenient day for a party but you can't just ignore the actual DAY. So there are about three to four parties to plan, and that's just the first half of the month! I also have college to freak out about on top of that. Days off from my kid's school that don't correlate with my school. Not to mention all the other weekly tasks and being-a-good-friend moments sprinkled here and there.<br />
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But those are just icing. Yes, all the craziness is like a gift because it reminds me of the miracles I have in my life.<br />
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I have had seven pregnancies. I only have one child. After miscarriage number five, we spent a year figuring out the issue and finding ways to solve it so I could have a successful birth. By baby number six we figure it out, just a little too late. We wait for my body and mind to heal and then gave our everything, time, money, medication, to squeak out one last opportunity. (My soul could only afford one more time.)<br />
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We prayed. We fasted. We hoped, and when those two little blue lines showed up (five tests later) I punch-fisted the air KNOWING this was it! I KNEW our prayers had been answered.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--jqwAVBX-KE/VsY6jNF2BpI/AAAAAAAAJoQ/UgknW3zFDuA/s1600/Victory-Baby-Yes-01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--jqwAVBX-KE/VsY6jNF2BpI/AAAAAAAAJoQ/UgknW3zFDuA/s320/Victory-Baby-Yes-01.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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It wasn't easy. Lots of shots. Lots of throwing up. Lots of freak-outs, but in the end we received a squished-headed, scrawny and screaming baby boy. He was smaller than everybody but me expected. I couldn't even look at him when my husband showed him to me because I didn't want it to be just a dream. But he was real!<br />
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He was my miracle.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UHN2p3O11T4/VsZNtYWWzhI/AAAAAAAAJok/NB6B4Qkvivg/s1600/c%2Bblue%2Bpark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UHN2p3O11T4/VsZNtYWWzhI/AAAAAAAAJok/NB6B4Qkvivg/s320/c%2Bblue%2Bpark.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
During the last few months of my pregnancy, my husband's health was showing signs of something serious. We weren't sure how serious until just two weeks after our son was born. Cancer. Colo-rectal. Stage 3. How could that be?! He was only 26 years old! But it was. So off to <a href="http://passanandofam.blogspot.com/2009/05/week-1.html" target="_blank">Arizona</a> we went. We spent our first Mother's and Father's day there. We met amazing people and had some very difficult times, but then it was over...<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-27ekTb12vbU/VsY60lK_PuI/AAAAAAAAJoU/QyKA9YoU4Yo/s1600/CTCA.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="186" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-27ekTb12vbU/VsY60lK_PuI/AAAAAAAAJoU/QyKA9YoU4Yo/s320/CTCA.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://passanandofam.blogspot.com/2010/01/hey-there.html" target="_blank">Not really...</a><br />
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But we made it...sort of... We still suffered hardship after hardship, but we did it together! Through it all we received SO MANY blessings! One of which was that we have had the opportunity to be together all time. We both have been around to raise our son together! We have been a 24-hour/365 days family. The first one to really start to break off and go on their own was our son when he went to school for the first time last year. It truly has been a blessing!<br />
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So, My Miracle Month. I have the responsibility to care for not one but TWO miracles: my husband and my son. It truly is a miracle that they are both still around and continue to grow and learn and that I'm here to see it all happen.<br />
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If I include all the Specials in this month, there is still my dog, Lucie. You may not think that's very special and that I'm some dog nut, you'd only be half right! Lucie, is herself a miracle! She was an abused dog and was left out on her own when she was found and taken to the SPCA. She's a black lab which means she should be this crazy and goofy dog, but she isn't. She is this totally sweet and calm and loving dog. She's intuitive and won't leave my side when I'm not well. I was training her to be a therapy dog, but due to her abuse and abusers she is unable. BUT she's plenty of therapy to me and those she comes in contact with.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZChPr5uRlxc/VsZOLuZTGlI/AAAAAAAAJoo/74NC4OQOy8Y/s1600/c%2Band%2Blucie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZChPr5uRlxc/VsZOLuZTGlI/AAAAAAAAJoo/74NC4OQOy8Y/s320/c%2Band%2Blucie.jpg" width="221" /></a></div>
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There's also my sister. We haven't been as close as may have wanted over the years, but I think she's amazing! She has been through SO much and she has become so much more than I think even SHE thought she could be. She is an inspiration to many around her. If you knew her story you would agree that she is a Miracle as well.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sa1Tiivpp9A/VsZOtpE7SKI/AAAAAAAAJow/LMpef2U40pM/s1600/dina.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sa1Tiivpp9A/VsZOtpE7SKI/AAAAAAAAJow/LMpef2U40pM/s320/dina.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Despite all the crazy that is February, I am GLAD I have it! I feel blessed to be a part of so many Miracles! I'm happy that I get reminded every year of these blessings. You may think that sounds petty, that I should know that and celebrate it all year round. And I do, but February gives me a month to renew and remember more thoroughly. I get to evaluate how I show my appreciation to all involved and try to perfect my ways.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j_6s6PkspzQ/VsZPeqmdGeI/AAAAAAAAJo4/GoXMdRz_Mbg/s1600/all%2Bof%2Bus.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j_6s6PkspzQ/VsZPeqmdGeI/AAAAAAAAJo4/GoXMdRz_Mbg/s320/all%2Bof%2Bus.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
My Miracle Month, I love you! <br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-45129387807098648212016-01-15T11:36:00.002-08:002016-01-15T11:36:36.180-08:00To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: I Jumped<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/GDx86qjXyZs/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/GDx86qjXyZs?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
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I jumped. I didn't know too much about it. I was quite naive really. You see, I thought I jumped a LONG time ago...<br />
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I thought I jumped when I LITERALLY jumped out of an airplane (a few times) with a parachute. That was just falling with style.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aKYfcCSLigM/VplGtXV2R3I/AAAAAAAAJl4/wdePAlfH2qY/s1600/parachute.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aKYfcCSLigM/VplGtXV2R3I/AAAAAAAAJl4/wdePAlfH2qY/s1600/parachute.jpg" /></a></div>
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I thought I jumped when I decided to be baptized LDS with little to no support. That was a following in His footsteps.<br />
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I thought I jumped when I put my whole faith in God the Father and live His ways and leave mine behind completely. That was a leap of faith.<br />
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<br />
I thought I jumped when I got married to a man much younger than I am. That was a step in the right direction.<br />
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I thought I jumped when I chose to take painful shots to sustain a difficult but blessed pregnancy each and every day. That was walking on the right path.<br />
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<br />
I thought I jumped when my husband was trying to make it through Hell. I just fell into a bellyflop.<br />
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<br />
I thought I jumped when we decided to leave everything we knew behind and move to a place so foreign to us it felt like we belonged. That was choosing the right.<br />
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<br />
No, I jumped just a few days ago without really understanding what I was doing. I thought I was jumping onto a scary ride for me. Something akin to Tower of Terror at Disneyland's California Adventure. Where the journey was scary and I wanted to jump out of line several times, even back out at the last moment. But I didn't because I saw younger, smaller, bigger, taller, everywhere in between going on with little to no care. I thought the ride would be scary but when I got off I would realize it wasn't as bad as I thought.<br />
<br />
I was wrong.<br />
<br />
What I did was something I've been doing for a year now. I signed up for yet another semester of college. I've been at this "starting over" point for some time and thought nothing of returning to the stressful horrors that is college for your not-so-average student. I was weary and frustrated, but still a willing participant.<br />
<br />
And then I jumped.<br />
<br />
Just like in Steve Harvey's pep talk video, I crashed into the side of the cliff, clothes torn, shoe lost. And it hasn't even been a week yet!! I feel like I have no direction but down. I have jumped from a very high place and no one can do anything except watch in horror and pray for me. I will get shouts of help on when and how to steer so as to avoid the mountain side. But other than that, I'm on my own. Just me and God.<br />
<br />
And I'm feeling it. I'm feeling the loneliness, the desperation, the struggle, the desire to just give up on any hope of my parachute opening before I painfully make that *SPLAT* sound on the ground.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CAfj3827fkY/VplJXnxGuHI/AAAAAAAAJmw/6FFW8TdVleo/s1600/wile-e-coyote4601.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CAfj3827fkY/VplJXnxGuHI/AAAAAAAAJmw/6FFW8TdVleo/s320/wile-e-coyote4601.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I have seen those who make a literal jump and literally crash to the ground. To be found broken and bruised and their lives changed forever...or not.<br />
<br />
I don't know what is to become of me. I don't know when my parachute will open. I don't know how to let go and let God take the reigns so I stop ramming my body into the wall. Or maybe that's what He wants and I'm supposed to learn from that.<br />
<br />
I. Don't. Know.<br />
<br />
I jumped at first with a smile on my face but now I'm terrified. But fall I must. I must also have faith that this is all for my benefit. That someday this pain will pass and I can brush off and think that this ride wasn't as bad as I thought it was.<br />
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-62888760178199596112015-10-22T11:34:00.002-07:002015-10-22T11:34:34.430-07:00Surgically Altered and the Silver Lining<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I went into pre-op on Tuesday this week for a couple of "emergency" surgeries (meaning I've been waiting a month to get these authorized), and it just made the whole thing more REAL.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DYhbbOzT2So/Vikp0r4e2LI/AAAAAAAAJSs/58xjegsme8E/s1600/birth%2Bcontrol%2Bpills.jpe" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DYhbbOzT2So/Vikp0r4e2LI/AAAAAAAAJSs/58xjegsme8E/s1600/birth%2Bcontrol%2Bpills.jpe" /></a></div>
<br />
I have had such <u>bad</u> lady problems, I would have done ANYTHING to make it all stop right then and there. But I've had things under control for about a month now, and except for the pills that make me aBSoLuTeLy BoNKeRS, I'm fine. :)<br />
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Same thing with my gut. Some days I feel I am in so much Pain, I can do the surgery right there on my own, by myself, and still be in less Pain. And then there's right now. I hurt but it's just uncomfortable if anything. Except for the impending Pain and the complete exhaustion I have fighting it, I'm fine. :)<br />
<br />
Truth is, I am TOTALLY FREAKED OUT!<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-w3vjgi3J7_Q/VikqRC5MJDI/AAAAAAAAJS0/2eUfkT0PC_Q/s1600/spongebob.jpe" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-w3vjgi3J7_Q/VikqRC5MJDI/AAAAAAAAJS0/2eUfkT0PC_Q/s1600/spongebob.jpe" /></a></div>
<br />
I don't take a lot (if any) medications because 1. I don't really need any and, 2. I can't stand the side effects. Sure, Tylenol and Ibuprofen help with Pain and inflammation, but they <i>kill</i> my liver, kidneys, and stomach (I'm very sensitive).<br />
<br />
So, when it comes to surgeries where they use Needles to pump drugs and fluids into me, let's just say I don't get all giddy about it.<br />
<br />
Needles are on my Enemy list. When I was a child, I had several doctor visits matched with much blood work. I had nurses, doctors, phlebotomists, and my mother yelling at me to NOT MOVE or the Needle would break in my arm and I would DIE.<br />
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I was not a Screamer or an extreme Wiggler, so I suppose they were trying to scare me just in case. Well, it worked!<br />
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I am also not a big fan of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endometrial_ablation" target="_blank">burning body parts</a> or <a href="http://www.webmd.com/digestive-disorders/laparoscopic-gallbladder-surgery-for-gallstones" target="_blank">removing them</a> (both of which I am scheduled to do). I definitely like the benefits of having all my body parts in tact, but I guess mine are faulty and something must be done. Barring a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus_healing_the_bleeding_woman" target="_blank">touch-of-Christ's-robe</a> kind of miracle, I suppose surgery is the only real option for me.<br />
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But I am looking for the Silver Lining among the clouds...<br />
<br />
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After the Pain subsides and Healing truly begins, I won't have the Pain and mess of faulty Lady Parts anymore. I will still get to keep them (if this particular procedure works) and their built-in hormone regulators.<br />
<br />
I have spent decades struggling with my weight and I see the gallbladder removal surgery as an opportunity to help with that. For just a few days (or more) I will be on a limited diet to help clear out any residual operating medications and not be sick. After that, I will slowly adjusting my body to food that is easy to digest. I have had several friends and colleagues suggest I can go back to eating whatever I want, I just have to be near a bathroom within about 30 minutes. But if I am to use this surgery, and its subsequent side effects, to my advantage, I better make a true Lifestyle Change.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kdvWr0wgxXs/Vikrf2PP62I/AAAAAAAAJTU/Khv1KxTS648/s1600/clean%2Beat.jpe" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kdvWr0wgxXs/Vikrf2PP62I/AAAAAAAAJTU/Khv1KxTS648/s1600/clean%2Beat.jpe" /></a></div>
<br />
I will be eating <a href="http://www.cleaneatingmag.com/" target="_blank">Clean</a> but on my own terms. Part of my issue was trying to eat better while watching others around me not sharing my eating options. My dear husband has offered to eat with me and help me find a way to eat Clean that is more Me and not what others say I should be. I love that I have been so blessed.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KMtGkKrsUC0/Vikr0leAfuI/AAAAAAAAJTc/jfkvdt7k_d4/s1600/gofundme.jpe" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="102" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KMtGkKrsUC0/Vikr0leAfuI/AAAAAAAAJTc/jfkvdt7k_d4/s320/gofundme.jpe" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">gofund.me/justblythe</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Unfortunately, these procedures cost money, despite my low-cost Obamacare. So, I have set up a <a href="http://gofund.me/justblythe" target="_blank">GoFundMe Account</a> to help offset charges. Through the help of my amazing friends, I believe I will reach my goal and not have to worry about money along with everything else weighing on my mind.<br />
<br />
Despite my hardships (and I know everyone has their story, but this is mine), I truly feel God's love for me. I feel watched over and care for, and I am grateful. My cup runneth over!<br />
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-27471423165916996342015-08-20T11:25:00.002-07:002015-08-20T11:25:01.843-07:00Wrinkle Me This<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-M8XHT1smXzs/VdYWQot3uwI/AAAAAAAAHcg/_I0253wi9-E/s1600/whats%2Bthe%2Bdeal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-M8XHT1smXzs/VdYWQot3uwI/AAAAAAAAHcg/_I0253wi9-E/s320/whats%2Bthe%2Bdeal.jpg" width="295" /></a></div>
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Are wrinkled faces and grey hairs SO BAD that we spend over $2 BILLION dollars a YEAR on trying to get rid of them or at least hide them?!<br />
<br />
Why are we trying to hide the fact that we are indeed getting older? So what if you got grey hair and you're not even 30 yet?! You have wrinkles around your eyes and mouth?!?! GET OUT OF TOWN! You mean you smile and laugh a lot and your face really shows it?!?!<br />
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<i>Seriously, folks?!?!</i><br />
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I'm pretty sure you don't look like this...<br />
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and if you do, you probably don't care so much about it anymore because you found more important things to focus your energy on....like where you put your teeth!<br />
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<i> </i>So what if you think you look more like the picture on the right than on the left...<br />
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You. Are. REAL! You have real kids, a real life. If you have people in your life suggesting you look anything BUT real, may I suggest removing them from your life...<br />
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<div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-9010631173450292922015-08-03T11:17:00.002-07:002015-08-03T11:17:27.135-07:00It's not Cancer, and why I'm not happy about it<br />
***RANTING POST WARNING*** <br />
<br />
This post may get a little gory. I will try to stray from details in hopes you will get the gist of the conversation...<br />
<br />
I have been bleeding for 60 days now and I'm in the gray area of Crazy. I have been bleeding excessively for about 50 of those days. I have been tested for Cancer, Thyroid, Polyps, Cysts, Hormones, Hemoglobin, Cholesterol, Diabetes, and Iron. The only thing that came back positive was Cysts. Despite my weight and this bleeding issue, I am in very good health. ALL my numbers are so good in fact that no one seems to be too concerned with my bleeding issue except me!<br />
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I know this is going to sound absolutely BONKERS but I <i>wish</i> I had Cancer! Cancer is something people have heard about. Cancer is something doctors have figured out how to fix! My bleeding issue, and the fact that my body can "handle it" is something no one around me understands. Short of either a miracle of Biblical proportions or a complete hysterectomy, there seems to be nothing for me if I still wanted to try to conceive! (I know I have said that we cannot have another baby, but I still have that glimmer of hope and if my uterus is gone so is that hope. And, no, adoption is not an option either.)<br />
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I have heard enough "I'm sorry" or "It's not THAT bad" or "We all have something, don't we" to last me into the Eternities!<br />
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I cannot leave my house without the <i>real</i> possibility of bleeding through all my clothes. I've done that going from one floor of my house to the next! (*GORY*) I have soaked through a "super" tampon, 2 pads front to back (at the same time), panties, Garments, 2 pairs of pj bottoms, and a towel in less than 30 minutes in one sitting.<br />
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"How can I possibly still be living after a bleed out like that?!?!" you may ask. Or you might say, "I've done something similar and I didn't it was as bad as you're portraying it." I have these two scenarios as examples of what has been said to me.<br />
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Some of you might be thinking that if I DID have Cancer, the doctors would still remove offending body parts that I hoped to save. Yes, you are correct BUT the advantage of Cancer over my mystery is that it wouldn't be a mystery. When I tell the doctors a symptom they wouldn't look at me with some confused expression. They could tell me that the symptom is normal for a Cancer patient, and we'd move forward.<br />
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I am at my wit's end. I am crazed with confusion and frustration. I am broken in many ways.<br />
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Would Cancer be better? I cannot give you my honest opinion. I have dealt with Cancer in my family (husband, aunt, grandfather, friends) and made it through alright.When faced with a medical anomaly, with more questions than answers, with less options than I would like, crazy thoughts come to mind.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-46147276216539617612015-06-24T12:27:00.001-07:002015-06-24T12:27:52.912-07:00Googled to Death...LITERALLY!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4MKkh3NhTW4/VYsCP2WSqpI/AAAAAAAAG_I/jepV9CM9kds/s1600/google.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4MKkh3NhTW4/VYsCP2WSqpI/AAAAAAAAG_I/jepV9CM9kds/s320/google.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Have you ever went to Google to search your symptoms? I'm not a big fan because I don't want to walk in to the doctor's office and tell them my findings from WebMd or Wiki. That being said, we did a quick check for Ben a little over 6 years ago. The answers we received are the typical ones I see: something that's no big deal, or cancer. Well, of course, as you know, it was indeed <a href="http://passanandofam.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-own-personal-hell-or-new-forms-of.html" target="_blank">cancer</a>. A few months later when treatment and surgeries were over, a new complication occurred. Again, because time was of the essence, we Googled Ben's symptoms: no big deal, or <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Necrotizing_fasciitis" target="_blank">necrotizing fasciitis</a> (yeah, I Googled that). And, once again, it was the worst case <a href="http://passanandofam.blogspot.com/2010/01/hey-there.html" target="_blank">scenario</a>.<br />
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Now it doesn't always turn out to be the worst thing you could ever imagine...when <i>Ben</i> is searching for something. Me, on the other hand, I ALWAYS get cancer as my top answer to whatever is ailing me (according to Google), so I never look there. I am a big proponent of looking in medical books I've acquired over the years or calling my handful of medical professional friends I know and trust. This way when I visit the doc's office I have accredited sources.<br />
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I have had Google be right with the cancer scare when I was having localized pain in my abdomen a little over 10 years ago. The doctor was very concerned it might be pancreatic cancer but was hoping it was simply <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pancreatitis/basics/definition/con-20028421" target="_blank">pancreatitis</a> (Googled that too). Thankfully it was the latter!<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oZfk4OsBBUY/VYsDY43crqI/AAAAAAAAG_g/-Id3FAG39SM/s1600/Pancreas2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="217" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oZfk4OsBBUY/VYsDY43crqI/AAAAAAAAG_g/-Id3FAG39SM/s320/Pancreas2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Who knew such a tiny little organ could cause so much pain!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Well, I am 0 for 3 again on the Google searching: Doctors are concerned I may have a clot in my left leg, and wait for it...CANCER! Of course, what we are hoping for is <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/perimenopause/basics/definition/con-20029473" target="_blank">perimenopause</a>. I have a scan today to search for the clot and a series of tests to run in a couple of weeks for the other stuff.<br />
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Not to sound brave or anything, but I'm not worried. Maybe I will be if I get the bad diagnosis. Right now it's a game of Hurry Up and Wait, but at least I will get answers. It may turn out to be like a choose-your-own-adventure series, but I'm up for the challenge...I think...<br />
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I will keep you updated on everything. In the meantime, prayers, good thoughts, that sort of thing are a good thing to have in my corner right now. It may be nothing big, but it's always good to be prepared, right!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-26659615203211195152015-02-08T10:33:00.001-08:002015-02-08T10:33:30.528-08:00Why I DIDN'T Choose "Lose Weight" for My New Year's Resolution<br />
Ever since I started to really care what I looked like, I have struggled with my weight. Constantly being teased by family, friends, and strangers alike made me determined to get to a size where people wouldn't notice me...at ANY cost.<br />
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I fought with bulimia and anorexia for nearly ten years (no, I was never a size 0. Unfortunately, these tactics backfire on some bodies already damaged or simply lost the genetic battle to have this form of self-abuse "work". I did some permanent damage to my liver, kidneys, and pancreas). And I HATED food! I hated that I needed food to stay alive. I hated food for being the main way to celebrate or get together with family and friends. I HATED food when I needed it so I could still breast feed my baby during THE most stressful time of my life thus far (see beginning of this blog to learn more).<br />
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Every year since 6th grade, I have made "lose weight" my New Year's goal, and EVERY year I failed. A few years back I stopped making single goals and went with themes that pertained to multiple aspects of my life. Eventually "lose weight" fell off my to-do list all together. Sure, I would try and start new schemes every year, secretly and not-so-secretly, but they wouldn't work.<br />
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Last year I started a new approach to eating and I learned a few things about myself in the process. I wanted to end my near life-long argument with food and learn what things actually tasted like. In all my years of eating, I hadn't actually <i>tasted</i> my food! I would just shovel it in hoping to get the deed over with so I could continue on with more important things. So all last year I paid attention to what I was eating and if I enjoyed it or not, and why. Near the end of the year I discovered something: I REALLY like food!<br />
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When this new year rolled around I again toyed with the idea of weight loss. The frustrating thing was, I couldn't find the motivation! Nothing, <i><b>nothing</b></i> was a good enough motivator to diet and exercise on ANY program. With my lifelong quest of WHY in mind, I went on a soul-searching journey. Now, you may think it should have been an obvious discovery, but someone with such a messed up mind (me) often misses the obvious and instead of taking the straight path leading directly to an answer, I like to take the circuitous, roller-coaster route to find what I'm looking for (not really, it's just what I do. Yet another quest for myself.)<br />
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What did I find, you ask? I found my answer. I <b>finally</b> like food and I don't want to restrict my intake of if just yet! I want to sit and at length enjoy food. So that is what I am doing. Don't worry, I'm not sitting at home eating mass quantities of ice cream and gourmet foods (I don't have the time or money). And I am being fair with ALL foods, including fruits and vegetables, and for the most part only eating until I am full, not stuffed.<br />
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So this year at least, I have chosen to not lose weight. I have chosen instead to find self-respect and lose hurtful ways of thinking. I'm choosing to repair my relationship with food. I am choosing to like ME.<br />
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-33962777257152377282015-01-26T08:46:00.001-08:002015-01-26T08:46:16.164-08:00Time Management<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Do you ever get that feeling of being overwhelmed? Where it feels like your entire world is demanding your time and energy at the SAME TIME?<br />
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Yeah...<br />
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And then you realize, you ASKED FOR THIS?! No? Not you? Well, I seem to do this to myself ever so often. It's a nasty habit I don't realize/remember I have until it's too late because I've committed to so many things that can't be changed unless I want to cause utter ruin and despair. Okay, so I'm not THAT important but it feels like that is my burden.<br />
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I have set the goal to NOT say "yes" so much this year, not realizing I've already said it to things <i>last</i> year that pertain to <i>this</i> year... Oh well..maybe next year ;)<br />
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One of the reasons I see myself bogged down with what seems to much to bear (is that right? "bear" or bare"? or am I missing another one...anyway) is that I'm in need/want of stretching. I need to learn something (more than how to say "no"). And I am! As I breach from Crisis Mode, I am learning how to prioritize again. No longer are my needs to just <b>survive</b> but to THRIVE.<br />
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So I enrolled in school at Idaho State University.<br />
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I mentioned this a bit in my <a href="http://passanandofam.blogspot.com/2014/12/christmas-letter.html" target="_blank">Christmas Letter</a>. I am currently in the pre-PTA (physical therapy assistant) program, with hopes of being accepted into the full PTA program come this Fall. I'm a nervous wreck! You do realize, I haven't been to an actual brick-and-mortar school for 20+ years! So, knowing this I enrolled part-time with just 6 credits. With only a couple of weeks into it, so far so good. This is my 4th career change (1. politics, 2. microbiologist, 3. massage therapist, 4. physical therapy assistant). I'm hoping to finish my Bachelor's of Science degree shortly after my program finishes.<br />
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I am learning how to manage my time better. I'm not very good at it, mind you, but I'm getting there. I see no need to be too hard on myself for not being proficient quite yet; another breakthrough since only a year ago I would have considered myself a failure!<br />
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I'm scared but hopeful. A new feeling for me. "Hope" used to be a four-letter word for me. Now, I'm cautiously using it to reintegrate it into my life for good.<br />
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So feel free to send words of encouragement my way as I venture on this scary, treacherous, hopeful road filled with suspense, doubt, and frustrations. I'm gonna need it!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-32458399803422012312014-12-23T15:55:00.003-08:002014-12-23T15:55:44.654-08:00Why I Hate Christmas<br />
Yes, the title is real and straight to the point. My explanation isn't meant to gain sympathy, just understanding. I have spent years trying to understand it myself and only now are things coming to light...<br />
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Santa never came to my house as a child. I really never believed in him anyway. My mother tried a few times and like a dutiful child, I humored her attempts. Instead of cheer, there was anger and yelling. Instead of feelings of love and joy, there were painful things said and done. I remember not having a real Christmas tree. Instead, we had a "tree" made of Christmas cards from previous years (my mother was creative at least).<br />
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By the time I was 12 years old Christmas seemed moot despite the fact we could now afford one. By then it was about the biggest and the best, not about the thought of the gift in the slightest. And Jesus?! Forget it! Oh we had a Nativity but without the Gospel it meant very little to me and I suppose even less to my family.<br />
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From age 17 on I was in and out of my house, but mainly living on my own, only coming together for appearances to make it look like we were a "real" family. I was most certainly gone for the holidays. Either because I wanted it that way or because I had been thrown out of the house by the time Christmas came along.<br />
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I have been alone on Christmas more times than not. I have been evicted and fired on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or the day after a total of 5 times. Eventually, I gave up. The last time I was evicted I decided to live in my car for six months rather than be thrown out again. (*Note* I must let you know I was never the greatest of tenants and most likely deserved to be evicted. It just all added to my sour attitude).<br />
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Even when I finally found the Gospel and how it fit into my life, Christmas was lonely, awkward really. Sometimes I would be invited to other families festivities, but I felt so strange standing around watching these people love and care for one another genuinely and openly. It took three years for me to start feeling comfortable around one particular family, but then I got married and had to start all over with a new family.<br />
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Having lived in this truly magical place for the last year has opened my heart to many possibilities...including Christmas. I was feeling the Christmas spirit and happily singing along to the songs when I heard some family traditions shared by a friend. I knew of the hardships and sadness experienced by my friend with regards to their family but their stories of Christmas were happy and joyous, and I felt...ANGRY! I couldn't understand why! I sat and prayed for days trying to understand my feelings when it finally hit me: JEALOUSY!<br />
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I was SO jealous to hear of hardships and sadness just to be erased and forgotten for at least one GLORIOUS day: Christmas. I heard stories of groups and individuals secretly or openly giving gifts and trees. Of Christmases that were sure to be doomed by poverty just to be rescued by kind, loving souls. I hadn't had the luxury. No one saved Christmas for us. No one showed us kindness or blessings. The most I remember our family receiving was the annual meat and cheese tray, which later turned to See's candy boxes from an aunt and uncle. These were savored for as long as possible.<br />
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I know I could have been more charitable through the years with my attitude toward Christmas and her patrons, but I had too much pain and darkness within me (not having to do with Christmas but more to do with traumatic events in my childhood) to look past the anger and jealousy.<br />
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I know and understand Christmas to be more about the Greatest Gift of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ than it is about the retail side of things, but I hadn't been in a place (physically or mentally) to rejoice and celebrate the holiday freely with that in my heart. And to try and blend both the Spiritual side and the temporal side of Christmas has been nearly impossible. For me, at least. I don't think you can blend something you absolutely hate with something that gives you a reason for living, and get something good out of it.<br />
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So this year I understand myself better. This year I am truly feeling the Christmas spirit more. Not because someone saved Christmas with presents and food, we were able to do that for ourselves this year thanks to blessings given by our Father in Heaven. Blessings that are too numerous to name. My heart if finally filling with the joy and love the Gospel brings and pushing out all the hate and hurt from years gone by.<br />
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This year and all the years to follow, I hope to carry the true spirit of Christmas with me, ALWAYS. I hope it grows and strengthens. I hope to pass this feeling along to everyone I come in contact with. I hope my son never feels the way I did. I hope he understands and knows all the joy, magic, and love this season can bring into so many. I hope to help even just one person erase all the bad in life even for just one magical day.<br />
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So, I hope you'll forgive me and my Grinchy ways. I hope you understand just a little bit more of why I was that way. I hope you will love me in spite of my hurt and hate, and know I am trying. It's a lot to hope for, but I think I'm up to the task!<br />
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<div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-89929186792434392292014-12-22T20:41:00.001-08:002014-12-22T20:41:42.858-08:00My New Year's Theme 2015You ever see those people who wear ankle weights to strengthen their legs? It's kinda weird until you try it and then you find that it works! Well, this is how my life is and will be for the next year apparently. Ever since I finally escaped the dark abyss I lived in for the last five years I have felt like I'm trying to run through mud.<br />
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Just to make sure, I had to pray to make sure I wasn't going in the wrong direction. He said that, no I wasn't, but that to make me stronger, SPIRITUALLY stronger, I have to walk through the mud to get me to a better ME.<br />
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So this year's theme is:<br />
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Even when the mud is particularly sticky, Keep Moving Forward. When I'm not sure I can take another step: Keep Moving Forward. When everything is harder than anticipated: Keep Moving Forward!<br />
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This is particularly good for me to know, hear, practice because I like to give up when the going gets tough. So this is my year to stick it out!<br />
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please pray for me...<br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-17445658202986974172014-12-12T15:07:00.000-08:002014-12-12T15:07:24.056-08:00Christmas Letter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM IDAHO!!</div>
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This Christmas letter may seem lame because you are not receiving it in your mailbox. And, hey, I LOVE nice mail in my box just like anyone else. That said, I'm hoping you will let me slide (for this year at least) as I let you ride on the Passanando Rollercoaster!</div>
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Let's see...</div>
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I'm going to start in the last part of the year since nothing terribly interesting happened until then anyway. </div>
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Christopher started attending kindergarten this last August and he LOVES it! His schedule has him going every Wednesday and Friday, and every other Monday...sort of. This can be a little confusing but seeing as we only have the one kid and our lives revolve around entertaining him (for the most part this is true), we've got the hang of it pretty well I think. Christopher misses school when he's not there and FINALLY learned the days of the week so he can anticipate his next school day.</div>
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Another first, I started working...again...after nearly an eight-year absence. This was something I felt was necessary. Not so much for financial reasons but something more spiritual in a way. It's difficult to explain, but suffice it to say, my puny little, minimum wage, pizza and sub making job helped me immensely! Weird, I know, but it helped to kick start me out of a five year slump so no complaints here. I have since quit this job, but more on that later.</div>
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Ben, of course, is the big story of the year. The day Christopher went into school and a week before I started work, Ben had what was supposed to be a relatively simply surgery to correct some damage done from the <a href="http://passanandofam.blogspot.com/2010/01/hey-there.html" target="_blank">necrotizing fasciitis</a>. What <i>really</i> happened was a two hour-hour-surgery-turned-six-hour-surgery, and <b>extensive</b> reconstructive surgery, and hernia repairs. He was anticipated to fully recover from the original surgery roughly two weeks, but because the damage was so great and his body not functioning for years, recovery took two MONTHS. BUT we have AMAZING medical staff including a wonderful doctor who worked on Ben like he was doing surgery on his mother. He took great care in getting Ben to a state that was most optimized but never thought of as a reality until now!</div>
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Ben is now better than he was five years ago and many things are looking up for him. We are also anticipating another try at the therapy grad program for Ben at <a href="http://isu.edu/" target="_blank">Idaho State University</a> (ISU). Nothing will be known for certain until the middle of next year, so please pray, cross your fingers, or think good thoughts for Ben please?</div>
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I also plan on school this coming year. I will be attending the same ISU this Spring part-time for the pre-PTA (Physical Therapy Assistant) program. I will be applying for the full program later in the year in hopes of getting in for the Fall 2015 semester. I have a few things in my favor: I already have an AAS (Associates Degree), I've studied and practiced massage therapy for 10 years +, and believe it or not, being a non-traditional student (older than 25 years old) is REALLY in my favor! I have a mentor helping through the process and plenty of support from friends in the area. I'm also up for another part-time job on campus. I'm hoping to earn a little cash while learning how to manage my time better in time for a full-time school schedule.</div>
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Remember when I said the pizza shop helped me in a strange way? Like I mentioned, I've been in a five-year slump, depression really, where I couldn't think of a reason to smile despite obvious reasons all around me. I felt the job would benefit me in some way, but only financially because I couldn't see it any other way. But something inside of me changed. I felt a mental and almost physical "click" inside of me and my whole outlook on life changed! I feel like ME again...but BETTER! I smile and laugh, I'm happy and enjoying life again! The only difficult thing really has been trying to figure life out post crisis-mode. It's been slow-going, like trying to run through thick mud, but I know I can do it and that it will get easier. </div>
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Troubles and trials are not gone, but the dark way in which I saw them has. We are all starting to become the family we were meant to be!</div>
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Merry Christmas!</div>
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From the Passanandos</div>
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-73185463209400598582014-10-13T12:39:00.002-07:002014-10-13T12:39:57.375-07:00Keeping it to Myself...sort of...I've discovered something very frustrating that I must change how I feel about it...<br />
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I have mentioned several times in my life about how frustrating and lonely I am because I must do many things without any help or companion to be with me.<br />
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Well, I must amend that statement in two ways.<br />
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The first amendment is, that it is not in <i>some</i> or even <i>many</i> ways I must do things alone but in ALL ways. EVERY single aspect in my life must be gotten through without any help of a worldly nature whatsoever. No people or persons must I or can I rely on in any way, shape or form.<br />
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My second amendment is, while I may not have the assistance of my peers I DO have all and ANY help from my Heavenly Family and Friends.<br />
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The weakness I must overcome in this circumstance is realizing the assistance offered and given is FAR BETTER than that of <i>any</i> worldly being. I need to be grateful beyond measure that I don't have to rely on the faults of Man to help me with my mortal journey. I have the unfailing assistance from Above, from those who know all and can and <i>will</i> bestow that knowledge to me what needed and asked for.<br />
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My human nature is to be upset because this falls under the "health" umbrella for me as well. With Man's ideas and techniques, if I fail I can blame them for knowing enough about me and my body to make it work. BUT when I have Heaven on my side, the only one to blame for failure is myself.<br />
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So, here I go, starting on a seemingly slow path to health (again). But this time there is no group therapy, no blog followers (I see the irony here), or Facebook friends, not even my husband. Although, ever so often I have the gentle reminder of my Heavenly Human example of my five-year-old son, to show me how to eat and play to get and stay healthy.<br />
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So this time, don't wish me luck, please pray for me...<div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-8343864083543298032014-09-13T21:02:00.002-07:002014-09-13T21:12:46.983-07:00Trial By Fire...Again!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Trial by fire. This seems to be the only way to teach me. I nearly always learn "the Hard Way".<br />
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So much the same, just with different actors playing the same parts--only better. Except me. I'm still playing the same part with little variation.<br />
What am I doing wrong? What do I have to learn that I didn't before/<br />
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I sit here, I lay there...with a man that is my husband, but not. He can't talk like we usually do, not yet. I can't hear his compliments on my new hairstyle or how good I've been doing at my newest venture. No simple chatting about our day or commenting on our favorite TV show.<br />
I just sit here, lay there watching him breathe, counting the breaths, shaking him when it's been too long between them.<br />
He's awake long enough to tell me he hurts, he's nauseous, and that he loves me...and he's sorry. Then he sleeps again.<br />
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All of this mingled with train sets and cartoons, pizza and sandwiches, crying and praying.<br />
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But what am I supposed to learn?<br />
All pieces to a puzzle. I'm not sure what it's supposed to look like yet. I was never very good at puzzles. I could never see the big picture and how all those pieces were to come together to create the picture on the box.<br />
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I feel lost, confused...<br />
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I recognize and acknowledge the blessings now that were not then, but I miss him. I miss us.<br />
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So please <a href="https://www.facebook.com/events/1519016818340151/?notif_t=plan_user_joined" target="_blank">Pray for Ben</a> on Wednesday, September 17th, 2014 at 7pm YOUR time. However you pray or commune with a higher power, please do so for this synchronized session of prayer. We're praying for a miracle! <div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-20382895272543057532014-08-26T15:42:00.001-07:002014-08-26T15:42:30.384-07:00To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: Blessings of Being a Convert**The views and opinions on this post are my own. You may or may not have experienced any or all of the things mentioned here. They are also not limited to those of any particular faith. These are my personal experiences once I became more acquainted with the love of my Father in Heaven.**<br />
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I have been blessed in many ways. One of which is to have walking therapy sessions with my very good friend. As we walk up and down the local hills of our neighborhood, we talk about our lives and the things concerning those around us. At times we get real deep in our conversations and it's at these times I start to understand my life more and events within it...<br />
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I believe it was two weeks ago when my friend asked me how, as a convert to the Church, I was able to distinguish the promptings of the Holy Ghost and if it felt any different than before I was a member.<br />
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I had to think because for me there are distinctions between every day feelings and in the moments when I really needed to out of danger or make the right decision.<br />
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It is said that the Spirit talks to us through a burning in our heart and a still small voice. For me, the experience is physical and powerful--it affects my whole body. It literally rocks my soul! Before learning that this feeling came from the Holy Ghost, it would scare me. No one I knew understand what was happening to me when I would try to explain it.<br />
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This is one of the blessings of being converted. Once I learned and understood what this was and how to interpret it, my life changed forever! Being a convert has the blessing of knowing what it feels like to be without the Spirit and then have him to be our constant companion.<br />
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-30342764782271590302014-07-21T16:12:00.002-07:002014-07-21T16:12:47.062-07:00A Man Travels the World Over...<br />
We recently took a trip across 4 states. Not a whole lot maybe in comparison to some, maybe but a whole lot to a recovering recluse.<br />
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I'm originally from California and like a true Californian, I would make fun of anyone that was from anywhere else! So when we left the busy, beautiful, judgmental (don't be offended; you know it's true) California for Small Town, Idaho I had a bit of a culture shock. I'll spare you the details (for now) but visiting the place that I know so intimately was not exactly how I thought it would be...<br />
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Before moving to Idaho I would have considered myself a good, normal driver. <i>After</i> moving here, however, I found that I am an aggressive, and overbearing driver! This became even more apparent when visiting California after only a 9 month absence.<br />
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This is how I felt about my time in California:<br />
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I DEFINITELY felt like Buddy the Elf coming from a happy-go-lucky, smile-loving village visiting a run-you-over, demolition derby, give-you-the-bird, angry-because-it's-over-100-degrees-outside city!<br />
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We drove through Nevada to get there, but driving through Nevada means going as fast as you can without getting caught because it's hot and boring and you don't want to fall asleep at the wheel and taking a nap at a rest stop is out of the question. To make the trip home more interesting, we drove through the bottom part of Oregon. I remember Oregon being beautiful and full of friendly memories. And whenever we travel <i>anywhere</i> I always imagine what it would be like to live there...to see how it feels and if I could do it. Ordinarily I would have given an emphatic YES to living in Oregon but this jaunt through the South East part was less inviting, to say the least. Don't get me wrong! Oregon is a great place, just not the place for me.<br />
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Coming across that Idaho state border was definitely a welcomed sight!<br />
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Could my judgement be skewed because I don't like leaving home and would rather do a Stay-cation rather than go out of my Small Town, USA? Maybe. But I have a cute artsy craft thing I painted long ago that states, "A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it." (George A. Moore) Well, I found "it": <span class="st"><em>Be it ever so humble</em>, <em>there's no place like home!</em></span><br />
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<span class="st"><em> </em></span> <div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-45931029391632892812014-05-29T14:11:00.003-07:002014-05-29T14:11:25.136-07:00No Pictures, No Frills, Just Struggles and a Cry for HelpDon't ya just HATE it when you're trying to lose weight and get healthy, so you look up online on ways how to do just that; and people are complaining and saying the EXACT same stuff you do, then you click on the link only to read how upset people are at being SO overweight when their version of "overweight" is somewhere around 35 pounds?!?!<br />
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Don't get me wrong; I am totally with ya on the weight loss bandwagon and I completely understand the frustration you have when trying to lose ANY weight no matter what your size. BUT when I'm looking for similar gripe stories/solutions to MY weight-loss problem, it all pales in comparison...especially when you need to lose about 100 to 110 pounds to be on the level.<br />
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Thankfully I have several kind and caring friends who are involved in various health programs. The <i>problem</i> lies in the monetary aspect and long-term effects for me. The money is the first STOP sign I get when searching what is right for me on my personal weight-loss journey but the real clincher are the long-term effects. Problem here is that my body is so completely different than anybody elses (truly, I have been told this time and time again by SEVERAL health professionals, trainers, consultants, you name it) that "long-term" just doesn't apply.<br />
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What I'm looking for is something that isn't going to make me buy in before I try the theory. I am literally tapped out from trying everything from group therapies (i.e. Weight Watchers) to one-on-one (i.e personal trainers), to meal replacements (ah, just insert any and nearly <i>all</i> of the ones you have ever heard of and a sprinkle of the ones you haven't).<br />
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The other, and really the MAIN issue is, I need something that WORKS for someone so utterly messed up hormonally, physically, and mentally as I am! Seriously folks! I have been actually tested by <i>real</i> Doctors that say I have SO MUCH cortisol (the "stress" hormone) in my body that they believe there is NO WAY I will ever <u>successfully</u> lose weight!<br />
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HOW. SUCKY. IS. THAT?!<br />
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And yet, I still try! How can I not?! Especially when my body hurts, oh HECK my <b>soul</b> hurts from carrying all this weight?!<br />
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It has been suggested that I find a motivator that will jump-start my desire. I HAVE desire but I have NO motivator! And believe me I have heard it all. From death to life in agony, from exceeding joy to eternal happiness, yet nothing works in my messed up little head.<br />
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Now, I am just tired. Tired of all the work, pain, suffering, ups and downs. I'm tired of trying and failing...every...single...time. ALL of me is tired.<br />
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But I still try. Why? Because I'm hoping I will find the answer, the thing that clicks for me and my weird round body. But I'm losing motivation much quicker this time...and I guess...I need help. But I don't know where to get it.<br />
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If you offer assistance, please don't be offended if I tell you that yes, indeed I have tried your absolutely-will-not-fail-method-that-works-for-every-body-especially-mine. And in turn I will do my best to simply accept with a genuine heart.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-9831205120377719512014-04-16T13:54:00.001-07:002014-04-16T13:54:13.091-07:00My Feelings Are My OwnTo read my blogs and to hear me speak, you might think I keep nothing to myself (except those sacred-not-secret things) but you would be mistaken. Most of what I keep close to my heart are my feelings, my emotions. Those are mine and I only share those with two people: my husband and my son.<br />
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Does this sound contradictory? I'm not sure. I hope you would not think me rude or standoffish but I have had to learn to protect myself in many ways and if I am to bare all, sort to speak, on the web I need to put some boundaries up.<br />
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As far as the to-share-or-not-to-share, sharing when appropriate and in appropriate ways was something that was advised to me by a church leader long ago. He informed me that the usual stance is not to share too much so as not to seem as boasting, but that I had a story (or several stories) to share and he felt it necessary to open up when the Spirit felt right.<br />
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So, here I am on my little blog sharing anything and everything from family to survival, from birth to rebirth. I hope you get something out of my stories because I know I sure got something out of living them! <br />
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-68658987934271791982014-02-17T14:40:00.002-08:002014-02-17T14:40:43.620-08:00To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: A convert's story continues...<div style="text-align: center;">
The Search Continues...</div>
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As I begin to think about this post, I remember my near lifelong quest to find religion. I am struck by two main thoughts: One is how young I was when I felt the need to go on my personal religious quest, and Two, how I never once thought there could be no religion, no God. When I was about 15 years old, I talked to my best friend about my search. She blankly and truthfully brought up something I never considered. What if, when we die, there's nothing...just dirt and worms and nothing...</div>
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I thought about this concept for a while until I understood what I was thinking and feeling. I felt that this idea was wrong. It didn't make sense to my soul. I just <i>knew</i> something had to be out there, someone waiting for me, to return and report.<br />
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My search had several stops and starts. I would either hit a wall or land in a comfortable place before I was mature enough to keep looking. By "mature" I mean, to not give up just because things became difficult or I became lax.<br />
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After being told once again I did not belong in yet another faith, I grew distraught. I gave up on Christianity because I thought the reason I was pushed out was because I was in the wrong main faith altogether! I studied Islam where rituals were comforting and familiar. I studied Buddhism of many sorts and found it beautiful and fulfilling. I stayed within the more Eastern religions for a few years. During that time I found myself, somewhat. I found some self-made limitations and learn to conquer most of them. I learned how to be and stay calm. In many ways I found forgiveness that went deeper than I had learned in the past. But I still had the yearning to find exactly where I belonged or a place where everything made sense.<br />
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I was at a forum where I heard a great Buddhist leader speaking. It was a chance of a lifetime! One of his main focuses is to bring people of ALL faiths together and show us how we are alike. To bring a sense of community for all mankind. In his opening remarks he acknowledged several faiths by validating each of their religious leaders. One of the last ones he mentioned caught me by surprise. He stated that he <i>knew </i>that Jesus <b>was</b> the Christ.<br />
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I heard nothing else. I got up and had to leave (discretely). My whole existence was thrown off! And now I had to start at square one...again!<br />
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<div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-71668493484905623812014-02-12T14:18:00.001-08:002014-02-12T14:18:02.961-08:00To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: A convert's story continues...<div style="text-align: center;">
The Search</div>
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I have been asked the who, what, how, and why with regards to my joining the <a href="http://www.lds.org/?lang=eng" target="_blank">Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints</a>. Now I will tell you in written form...<br />
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As I look back now, it seems strange to realize that I had been searching for a place that felt right, a place where I belonged since I was about 9 years old. I came to the conclusion that the only place I would belong would be in a church or specific faith or religion. My family never made it a priority to truly attend or subscribe to a specific faith, just to have any place to go when we felt the need was all that was required. As a family we visited and attended Church of Christ, Presbyterian, Pentecostal, Lutheran, Baptist, Catholic... Each time, we stayed for a while until we moved or my mother wasn't interested any longer for whatever reason. My father seemed content wherever he went or even <i>if</i> he went at all. He wasn't against church or religion, he was a hard working man that wanted his days off to be void of any hassle (and if you attend ANY church, it's a hassle -- kids, spouse, car, time....)<br />
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When I was a teenager my mother was ready for a philosophy change and we went in search of new church. We landed in a local church for a while until she had conflicts within and I attended on my own. I made friends, I had good times, good memories with the people of this church. But like any family there were disagreements and harsh words. I started to come less and less frequently until the last time I came, the pastor took me aside and suggested that <i>this </i>particular church wasn't for me and asked me to leave.<br />
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I was hurt but it wasn't the first time this had happened to me. As a kid, I was asked not to come back to a church-run school. I asked too many questions... In the another church I was told I was "Satan's temptress" and told to leave... I was also told that if holy water ever touched me it would burn me.<br />
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I will freely admit I was not a good person. Maybe I was on the inside, maybe my spirit was good, but my actions were not. When I was 18 years old I went wild like a Disney child star. I did things I am not proud of and regret. But after a while the yearning to belong in a spiritual way pulled at my soul. Only, I didn't know how to begin. I searched with my mother in the past, but I had been away from home some time now and my mother stopped searching long ago. So I looked to the only people I knew that could help me with such a huge life-changing decision: celebrities!<br />
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I thought that Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and Kirstie Alley were smart and spiritual people that looked to have their lives in order, so why not try out their faith. I went to a local library and met with some very nice people who wanted to tell me more. I listened and was intrigued. I had only been by there a couple of times when I started to feel this might not be for me. Not anything remotely wrong with anything it just didn't <i>feel</i> right. This feeling is difficult to explain unless you have had first-hand experience but it's like trying to explain Love. It just is, you just are...I don't know...<br />
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A couple of weeks later I sat in my car going over my life choices with a good friend and well... <a href="http://passanandofam.blogspot.com/2014/02/to-be-found-peculiar-among-peculiar_6.html" target="_blank">this happened</a>. But there were a few weeks of self-discovery and spiritual awakening. Maybe another post... </div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-84159023674981743242014-02-09T14:12:00.001-08:002014-02-09T14:12:22.473-08:00To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: A convert's story part 5Before the age of 22, I could tell you the amount of times I cried on one hand. After 22: too numerous to count! It seems that ever since I have been baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I can cry at just about anything. To sound all cool and churchy I could say it's because of the gift of the Holy Ghost and that my heart is now broken and being put together and pricked in the way Heavenly Father needs it to be.<br />
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This is also where I would tell you I know I'm a nothing, a nobody, but again the Spirit corrects me and tells me I am of royalty. No, I'm not Cleopatra reincarnated, but that I am a daughter of God! And by being a daughter of God He has given me special gifts. We are all this cool because He gives <i>all</i> of us gifts. And like the scripture on the parable of the talents (<a href="http://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/matt/25.14-30?lang=eng" target="_blank">Matthew 25:14-30</a>) I must share them to increase those talents or gifts. When I share any talent I often feel <b>very</b> exposed. I feel as if I make one false note or step or do any part of it wrong, I am being judged harshly. I was treated thus by some people throughout the years and it always makes me second guess myself and my talents. <br />
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Often I feel overwhelmed by the Spirit because these gifts are so sacred to me (again with my sacred, not secret stuff). One sure-fire way to get me all choked up is to have me sing. It almost doesn't matter what song it is, if it has meaning or messages I cry. I also cry when talking about my hardships and trials because believe it or not, those are also sacred to me. <br />
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Today in church I sang "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEAdLRK_2Yw" target="_blank">The Olive Tree</a>" with a couple of awesome friends. When singing in a group I don't choke as often but when it comes to a solo...all bets are off. If any of you have ever heard me "sing" in church before you can guess what happened this time. Luckily it was at the very end and just a tiny part, but I just could not hold back those darn tears! <div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-43216129083761080632014-02-06T13:03:00.001-08:002014-02-06T13:03:42.457-08:00To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: A convert's story part 4<div style="text-align: center;">
Baptism</div>
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I guess the polite way to describe my baptism is that it was "intimate". Another word would be "sacred" (yet another one of those <i>sacred</i> not secret events but again, feel free to ask in person). I was unsure of how it was supposed to go but it was my first step into the knowledge that my Father in Heaven knew me as an individual...as His own.</div>
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I had been baptized a few times by other churches on my path to discover where it was I truly belonged and which faith in fact had all the answers I was looking for. I had never intended to join the LDS faith, in fact, I had every intention to say no when asked to investigate further. </div>
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I never knew what a "<a href="http://mormon.org/" target="_blank">Mormon</a>" was until I was about 18 years old. I had a friend in high school who was Mormon but never knew what my friends meant when they said they don't hang out with her because she was one. It wasn't until I had moved in with family that I finally understood more about these Peculiar people. I would never fully understand until I fully committed myself to the faith.</div>
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When my friend Becca and I were talking about my life and the next steps I should take, one night in my car, she boldly asked if I would talk with the Missionaries. Like I said, I had every intention of saying, "no thank you," but what came out of my mouth surprised the both of us. I simply said, "yes," and three weeks later I was baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So many things happened during those three weeks, but that's another story....</div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-76434115886667436512014-02-04T22:12:00.000-08:002014-02-04T22:12:01.142-08:00To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: A convert's story part 3Being Peculiar inside a peculiar world, I have had my share of Ups and Downs...<br />
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--Not exactly being welcomed into The Fold<br />
Down<br />
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--Finding not only acceptance but Love where it was least expected (I was warned or at least cautioned in a similar fashion for both the Single's ward and Idaho)<br />
Up<br />
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--Discovering <i>my</i> kind of Peculiar was not appreciated in every ward<br />
Down<br />
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--Becoming a better and stronger person on my own and in the Gospel despite it all<br />
UP!<br />
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-83316738606769101482014-02-01T15:54:00.000-08:002014-02-01T15:54:46.869-08:00To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: A convert's story part 2Many people on both sides of the Wall anticipated my departure from the LDS church long ago.<br />
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Despite (or maybe <i>because</i>) I was considered Golden by the Missionaries, I wasn't one thought to have staying power. I had friends from my past and people in the Church that gave me three months and then I'd be out of there!<br />
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...it took me four...<br />
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Having very little support from <i>anywhere</i> in my early beginnings of the Church made it more than difficult at times to stay Strong. It wasn't until I was at a wild and crazy (a la Hollywood style) New Year's Eve party that I felt the Strength and power to boldly stand firm in the Gospel. (This is one of the few things I don't publicly speak on BUT if you ask in person I <u>will</u> tell you. It's not secret, it's <i>sacred</i>.)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">think ^this but bigger, louder, and INSANE</td></tr>
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My life in or out of the Gospel did <u>not</u> become easier from that point on, it got <b>harder</b>. In fact, it took me four more years for me to have the Strength to stand upright, Tall and Strong having finally fought personal Demons and a very large monkey (dare I say Gorilla) off my back.<br />
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Only five years young in the Church and I <u>still</u> used others testimonies as a crutch for my own. It would be so for nearly another year until one Magical summer changed it all. (*cue flashback music*)<br />
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The Summer of Christine. No, my name is not Christine but a good friend of mine--Christine--was learning how to stand on her own two feet and by example, so was I. I think only those closely involved during that summer's events can properly convey and understand the feelings, thoughts, EVERYTHING...or maybe it was just me. Either way, it was another one of those Sacred not Secret events for me that shaped me for the better.<br />
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I had finally learned to love myself.<br />
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2981843479988174581.post-11925758126305021192014-01-30T21:57:00.000-08:002014-01-30T21:57:00.968-08:00To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: A convert's story part 1To have the Weirdos thing you're weird, now <b>that's</b> sayin' something!<br />
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I think there are just a few in the Church that don't quite fit in anywhere, outside <u>or</u> in. And I'm one of them. I have found there are several factors that make up an Outsider on the Inside. Being a convert is one sure way, but not the only way.<br />
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I am one of these Converts. That's right! I'm <a href="http://mormon.org/" target="_blank">a Mormon</a>. I was an Outsider the moment I stepped through those doors. Not only did I have tattoos and body piercings, I had a Past...and some of those people knew it. Others just assumed I was bad because I had "that look". And they were right! All of it was true. I wore my Past on the Outside. You may not know exactly what "it" was, but "it" was there and you could just <i>feel</i> it.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qJrtsp45m6M/Uus4PAv74rI/AAAAAAAACSQ/mOZrzexCfDs/s1600/pierced.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qJrtsp45m6M/Uus4PAv74rI/AAAAAAAACSQ/mOZrzexCfDs/s1600/pierced.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Okay, not THIS bad, but you get the picture</td></tr>
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By just looking at me, I had the kind of Past that you grab your children and hold them tight while bearing your teeth. That was until I opened my mouth. I would talk and let people in let them know just about anything they wanted to know about me. I never kept my Past hidden BUT you had to be brave enough to ask me and not just judge and assume.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1qxtH7fgK4I/Uus5-DdGueI/AAAAAAAACSg/yHp66LEOA-o/s1600/crazy.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1qxtH7fgK4I/Uus5-DdGueI/AAAAAAAACSg/yHp66LEOA-o/s1600/crazy.png" height="96" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">here are a few crazy Singles</td></tr>
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Many well-established members did take up the challenge. It wasn't until I learned about and experienced the Single's Ward that I truly started to bloom and feel accepted. A church building filled with 18-30 year olds who were confused, sure of themselves, brave, and scared all at the same time were <b>my</b> kind of people. <u>These</u> Church members asked questions of me and of my life like a child--wide-eyed, anticipatory, and surprisingly accepting despite what the world may think of this group. And once I was able to have some sharp points smoothed, learned the lingo, and understood more of the Gospel, I was more capable of communicating my Past properly.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y1z9eKtBdFU/Uus6Zy8zG8I/AAAAAAAACSo/Ns9-qGAEjLU/s1600/understand.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y1z9eKtBdFU/Uus6Zy8zG8I/AAAAAAAACSo/Ns9-qGAEjLU/s1600/understand.jpg" /></a></div>
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Communicating my Past wasn't simply telling all the gory and lurid details, it was more of how I learned from it, how it shaped me, how I am a better person because of it all.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ng7qhBANN08/Uus6-PL0bBI/AAAAAAAACSw/YsWmSFe0fI4/s1600/leah+and+me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ng7qhBANN08/Uus6-PL0bBI/AAAAAAAACSw/YsWmSFe0fI4/s1600/leah+and+me.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Leah (blonde) and Me (not blonde) lol</td></tr>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div align="center"> <a href="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.bravegirlsclub.com/blinkies/Iloveit.jpg" alt="Brave Girls Club" /></a></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0