Passanando Fam

I Know Why the Caged Monkey Screams

2012-01-26T16:43:00.000-08:00

I used to think that people who put their loved ones in care homes and never or rarely visited were jerks!

I used to volunteer at one and did so for many years. I started many programs including an Adopt-A-Grandparent Program especially for those poor souls who were dumped there and seemingly never thought of again.

Well, now I know why some were there with little to no family to visit them. At least now I can understand some of the reasoning behind it.

It's difficult if you've had a rough upbringing yet still tried to make a go of it, finally getting to a point you can possibly live with only to find out you were wrong.

There happens to be a legitimate reason why things could not, would not, and should not work out between you and your aging loved one. So, you distance yourself for safety and sanity's sake at nearly the same time this particular loved one's health is starting to deteriorate. You're torn, filled with mixed emotions on what to do and how to act. You're scorned by family members (and some friends) that both don't understand and don't know the whole story. Worst of all, they never will and you end up looking like the biggest jerk of all time! Even letting others know you have made your peace and you feel this best for you and your little family, the rest of the big family considers you a heel and continues to swear you off as the overly-emotional-while-simultaneously-being-devoid-of-feelings individual they have come to know and label you as.

While in the background, your aforementioned ailing loved one is moaning for attention which no one gives heed to (and no one openly admits to it but you) hasn't for a long time, if ever.

Being stuck between a rock and the family makes me scream more often then I'd like to admit. But for my part, I'd rather choose the rock.

THE Dress

2012-01-23T17:55:00.000-08:00

I have this dress. The problem is, the dress never fit me very well but it was still nice enough to wear on my wedding day. No, it's not my wedding dress (I didn't arrive in my wedding dress). No, it was this dress...

like my socks? ;)

So, this is the recent pic because I just don't think there were a whole lot of me wearing this dress on the wedding day. As you can see, it doesn't fit too well...

If you see here, there is the annoying side zipper. You know, the one that says, "If you can't even reach around to zip it up you shouldn't put this over your head." Well...

My goal, my long term goal is to be able to fit into this dress, nicely by my anniversary in late August. My intention is to take a monthly pic of me in the dress in hopes of seeing results. What do you think? Can I do this? I sure hope so!

Weight on Me

2012-01-14T23:32:00.000-08:00

Three years ago I looked like this...
I was almost 9 months pregnant and weighed 244 pounds.

A little less than 2 years ago I looked like this...
I was NOT pregnant and I weighed 287 pounds.

This was the heaviest I have ever been! I remember getting close to the 200 pound mark and asking my roommates to shoot me if I crossed over. 5 years later I passed that mark without even knowing. BUT I've been making progress! Today I made it to the weight I was when I found out I was pregnant with my son...238 pounds. For me that's HUGE, no pun intended. That's 49 pounds!

I don't have a terribly current picture but this was taken in December...
Comparing these pictures along with the support from friends has been a tremendous help to me. I'm on my weigh down. (pun intended) :)

On The GAIN Train!

2012-01-04T15:11:00.000-08:00

I let my weight build on my body like a runaway train these past few years. I can give you LOTS of good excuses why and how (and let me tell, they are good excuses) but those don't melt the pounds off. I know losing weight is so cliche for the New Year BUT I've been working at this for a little over a year now. Of course, when I say "a little over a year" I mean November 2010 I started to try and lose some weight with little success. And when I say "I've been working at this" what I really mean is my body got really, really mad at me late May 2011 about all the fat I was putting into it and started to retaliate in the form of PAIN...and lots of it!

Sooo..I've been losing weight since May/June 2011 because I couldn't eat too much without great amounts of pain and now I have a goal.

Meet my goal...at least for the next few weeks. This is a little train roller coaster at our local John's Incredible Pizza Place which my son (the little guy in the photo) LOVES to ride on. This last trip he wanted to ride on the train with his aunt and grandma...and me. I am not pictured here because I can't fit on this ride. As sad and pathetic as that may sound what was even sadder was my little son begging for ME to ride with him and not anyone else...but I could not. After that, I tried to not stand there in a depressed stupor the rest of the time we were there. I put aside my feelings of woe and was able to come up with this goal: to be able to comfortably sit in this ride in time for my son's birthday party in the middle of February. I'm doing well but I still need a little support. If I knew there were some people out there that wanted me to succeed I think I could actually achieve this goal and others a lot easier. I won't be just a taker either because if YOU need someone there on the sidelines rooting for your success, I would be right there...with bells on and everything! Any takers? :)

Shine a Little Light

2011-12-30T15:42:00.000-08:00

I don't like resolutions because they seem doomed to fail at the get-go. I don't like that New Year's day for many is this life-altering event that makes all of the previous years' experiences null and void because you "start fresh". To me, New Year's day is just another day ending in "Y". There is nothing special about, no magic. It doesn't come with an automatic change-everything-to-something-new button. It's...just...another...day,BUT I do believe in changing for the better but if you're going to change why not start RIGHT NOW? Why do you have to wait until a specific day? "I want to go on a diet/start exercising/volunteering/whatever so I'm going to start that on Monday!" WHAT?!?! What's wrong with right now? If you want to change something do it now, don't let the momentum burn off over the weekend!

Change also doesn't have to be mind-blowing and huge, you can start out small and work your way toward your ultimate goal (unless you are trying to quit smoking, drugs, alcohol then cold turkey is the only way to go...trust me...)

I'm a ready for a change. I'm ready to start being a better person. To stop being so angry and to let things go like I used to be able to. I know I am never going to be able to change the past and it looks like no one else is volunteering to either, but it's going to be a long hard road. I've been angry (i.e. hurt, embarrassed, scared) for so long that I have forgotten how not to be that way. So, I have been listening to people give motivational talks and picking out little quotes that mean something to me and running with it.

People in my life love to use the phrase "Endure to the End". I hate it. I hate the thought of "enduring"..it sounds painful and not what I want to do. Someone else had the same view and tweaked the thought a bit to "Enjoying to the End". I know it's just one little word but I'm big on semantics and Enjoying is something I can strive for.

Another idea I am adopting for my change is something like "through small and simple things are great things accomplished"...or something like that. I'm taking it as baby steps. I don't have to take the full leap and be disappointed if I don't make it to the other side. If I have to climb down into the ravine and climb up to the other side, as long as I get there that's what matters.

My last one is a little more scriptural, "...arise and shine forth." Meaning get up and live to your full potential. Stop sitting around waiting for something to happen...MAKE things happen. People used to say I had a light about me that attracted people to me like moths to a flame. They don't say that anymore, but I would like to have it back and I know my family would like it back as well.

There are several steps I am taking to achieve my ultimate goal which is love. I made a life-altering (for the better) change almost 15 years ago simply on the basis of finding love in all its forms. In truth, over the past few years I have lost that lovin' feeling and I want it back and then some.

I'm ready for a change...who's with me?

Everyday is Saturday...

2011-12-12T16:26:00.000-08:00

Whenever I think about my tasks I have set out for myself for the day, I ask myself,"What day is it?" Often, I ask myself this several times a day. I look around the quiet streets of my neighborhood searching for clues on what day it is. More often than not I come to the conclusion that today is indeed Saturday....and more often than not I am wrong. Like today for instance. I was driving home from grocery shopping and purchasing my final Christmas gift for the season (WOO HOO!) I looked around my neighborhood, I looked at the time on the clock in the car and on my phone (like that would help) and thought the day was the start of the weekend. Of course today is actually Monday, a day that is most hated above others and not Saturday the complete opposite.

"Why," you may ask, might I think everyday is Saturday? It is because I do not have a regular 9-5 (or 6-3 which is most like the people I know) type of job. My husband is home on disability and has been since his health issues began (see any post from Arizona on). My days are monotonous and meaningless more often than not. Of course, I have my adorable growing-into-his-own son of mine that mixes things up a bit each day, but other than that my life is like having Mac n' Cheese everyday with an occasional hot dog chunk thrown in if I'm good.

Anybody else feel this way or is it just me? ...Probably just me....

Give a Blythe a cookie...

2011-12-06T23:02:00.001-08:00

This is me. I have wants and needs and desires just like any other normal human being out there, but I just can't seem to break one teensie weensie, very BAD habit. I want MORE and I can never be satisfied with what I already have! I can list off all the very nice aspects of my life but I always have to end with the caveat "but". I have a husband and son who love me and I love them...but...I don't have the family connections I desperately want outside my "own little world". I don't have all the children I would want and time is running out for me. I can go on and on but I shouldn't.

And speaking of that wonderful husband of mine...if you read further back in my blog you will learn that he had a minor battle with cancer nearly three years ago and a major battle with necrotizing fasciitis...BUT even after "winning" said battles (as much as one can win after being chewed up by bacteria and fried from chemo and radiation) I want more! Not more out of my husband, he already does more than his fair share, but more for him. He has lost so much of himself in many ways and his health has been in a limbo state since his job loss and subsequent health care loss almost two years ago. So, he is alive and at home and close to fully functioning...BUT...I want him back to the way he was. I want his health to be better. I want an end, a close to this chapter in our lives so I can try an move on to the next life trial set in our path.

One more and then I swear I'm done...

We have this small but amazing in a hundred different ways house that I'm telling ya we wouldn't be able to keep if it weren't for the miracle and blessing of tithing....BUT...with all those amazing hundred different things comes a hundred or so more things that need to be changed or fixed. I have so many projects in the making (please tell me I'm not the only one). I have three bedrooms but one is dedicated to all the projects we started but haven't quite finished yet. I'm trying not to be ungrateful because there have been some huge projects started and nearly finished by the helping hands of friends that would have been beyond our means if they had not come to our aid.

This past couple of months I have been bombarded with great advice on how to be more grateful for what I have and not to take for granted for all that I have been given. I am trying to live in the present and experience the "now"...BUT...it hasn't been easy. I still feel like I'm going at this alone. BUT I am listening and putting to practice the counsel I have been given and maybe someday I won't ask for a glass of milk after I've been given a cookie, I will just simply say "thank you" and be satisfied. One can hope. :)

Letter to Christmas..you know who you are...

2011-12-03T15:59:00.001-08:00

I do not anymore STUFF (from you). It does not make me happy, it doesn't make me like, it doesn't make me love you. For me, love is spelled T-I-M-E. You blew through your opportunities to show your love. You took our relationship for granted. You gave excuses, not answers.

I'm having to break ingrained habits bestowed from you so I don't pass them on to my children. I understand the hope to give the gift of joy you have through gift giving but gifts only bring momentary happiness and not everlasting joy. I'm not sure how to completely undo all the damage done so, for now I will simply stop. Stop with the stuff, stop with the things, stop with the meaningless gifts meant to substitute for love. For my children, I will give them more meaningful time, more undivided attention and just play and be. And when they say they need me to be there for them, I will know how to do that and give them what they need: true love.

This Christmas I really don't want stuff. I know it's a little late to make such a statement but starting from the New Year and beyond. As nice as it is to receive things, the money spent on them could be put to better use like food, bills, clothes. When I am in dire straits I feel best when my basic needs are met (see Maslow's Hierarchy). What I really want is to know I am loved and liked. That I am worth your time and energy. Time to hang out, chat in real life, commune. I need and want the lonely feeling I have to go away. I need and want your time (aka love).

I HATE Christmas!

2011-11-10T10:42:00.001-08:00

That's right! I am a Grinch! I don't hate the original meaning of Christmas I hate what it has become! I hate that Christmas has been made into a pissing contest about who can give the biggest and best gift. Oh sure, there are those who are all about the lovey dovey, feeling of wanting to help those less fortunate. All year long people, someone, could be suffering and those "well-minded folk" couldn't care two beans about you BUT the Season of Giving rolls around and suddenly the oh so genuine feelings flow...for about three months or so. Then December 26th happens, the day that starts to kill that wonderful spirit of giving and kind feelings and do-gooding! Nowhere near here anyway, are people holding hands and singing even though they have to go without. If what happened to the Whos down in Whoville happened to the people here in the good ol US of A, people would be crying and be upset and a bunch of other people would swoop in to Save Christmas...because there can't possibly be a Christmas without expensive gifts and monetary obligations.
You know what I want? I want that holiday empathy to last the whole year long so if a person happens to be in need or simply want say on April 23rd, the help, the love, the genuineness would be there. Genuine hugs and good feelings. Sweet, fun family gatherings, THESE are a few of my favorite things. That's what I really want for Christmas. I want to feel okay about not having the biggest and best, because HEY! guess what?! We can't afford it! We shouldn't be made to feel bad or lame because everybody else seems to have those extremely nice things or made to feel bad because we can't get things that go with those fancy expensive items for people who already have those things.

Why can't Christmas be simple anymore? Why is Christmas not like all those sweet movies we love to watch around this time of year? Even Charlie Brown got to see the people around him eventually come together and show their love.

All you need is...

2011-11-08T22:00:00.000-08:00

I guess you could say I am having one of those days except it's been lingering for a little over a week. My evening was capped off by having to make a VERY difficult decision that I am not in the least bit happy about, in fact it makes me very sad so much so that I think I'm going to cry right now...

I'm not better but I am more composed, now, thank you.

I feel very left out and alienated, and granted, I did a lot of that to myself but when it is circumstantial reasons for being left out it makes me quite upset. I feel there is no other option but to be left out but I don't want to be. I want to be able to have the freedom to say "yes" to every request. I want to feel the peace family usually brings. But I feel alone and isolated and I don't know how to not be that way. I think of the funny SNL skit with Bob Newhart as a therapist where a woman comes in and tells him her problems and his answer to everything is "STOP IT!!" I want more than anything to stop it but there are things holding me back that I can't seem to break free from. I'm stuck. I'm sinking.

Slowing Down

2011-10-28T14:40:00.000-07:00

I'm losing momentum guys! I am a little over half way done with my degree and it's getting more and more difficult for me to continue on. I've had a few rough times, personally, and I think that has really slowed me down. I don't feel like doing it anymore. I have a goal and I want to move passed all of this, but I just don't think I have it in me. I don't know what to do...

Balance

2011-09-25T17:26:00.000-07:00

     You wouldn't know it if you have read my blog, but I used to be a fairly happy person. This has been sort of an unfair representation of me since I started this blog in the middle of turmoil. But, maybe it is the true me. I have not been without major trauma for very long. That may sound melodramatic but it's true. I had a rough life as a youth, some things my fault some not. Through it all I was able to find some kind of balance...except for these past few years.

     I have come to realize my weaknesses and faults. I have also have come to terms with them and acknowledged what and maybe even why they are, and I'm okay with that. Being okay with not being perfect has been a lifelong journey for me. I once read that perfectionism is the highest form of self-abuse. I believe that but I don't practice it.

    I believe part of finding my balance is coming to the understanding that's it's okay to have weaknesses and faults. It's okay to be angry, hurt, embarrassed, because it's normal, EVERYBODY feels that way sometimes. I have never let it be okay to feel anything but happy and that in turn has made me a very angry person. Ironic isn't it? The one thing I strive to be is the one thing I haven't been able to achieve. I realized I cannot be happy and angry at the same time because good and bad cannot exist at the same time. One is there to recognize the other.

     I am not at optimum balance as of yet, but I can finally feel the right path under my feet. I can feel and not just see the light at the end of my dark, emotional tunnel. I know I will have other trials and episodes that will test my fortitude and I know that I will probably show weakness during those times. But it's okay, it's normal. I finally give myself permission to feel those feelings and acknowledge that they are there. I'm finally ready to move on. I'm finding my balance.

An Anniversary of sorts...

2011-09-21T16:14:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling "off" these past few weeks and I just couldn't put my finger on why or what would be causing it. Then a very wise and helpful friend helped me to acknowledge what was going on with me: I had an anniversary I was ignoring that didn't want to be ignored.

In early September, 2 years ago, Ben went into the hospital and I was told the outlook was grim of him ever coming out alive. The events that followed, the things that happened in the few months he was in the hospital have been not only traumatizing for me but also crippling as well.

After spending 2 1/2 painfully and lonely months in Arizona for treatment of rectal cancer at The Cancer Treatment Centers of America, our young and little family of three came home to recuperate. Within the month, Ben would go back three of four more times for surgeries and follow up appointments. Then we thought we were done...but we were wrong.

After attending a family birthday, Ben was feeling a lot of pain that he was attempting to push off as just another thing he would have to get through and over due to all the radiation and subsequent surgeries. I was a big pusher for the "getting over it" part. We were wrong, I was wrong.

Early the next day, the pain was too intense for Ben and he asked a friend to drive him to the ER. I thought it was going to be another possible overnight stay where he would come home the next day with multiple prescriptions for myriad pain pills. He wouldn't be coming home. Instead, I got a call in the evening that he would be transferred to another facility that could better treat what they feared was something extremely deadly: necrotizing fasciitis.

I have been ridiculed by some with regards to how I reacted to this situation, or even how I still react. Some believe I made too much of a big deal out of all of this or that I blew the situation way out of proportion. I write the next part of my story for myself, to help me get through this time of remembrance; for others that may have wanted to know; and for a way to hopefully put into perspective what really went on daily for me. You can be the judge and put yourself in my shoes and see how you would have handled this part. Maybe you would have handled it better than I did, have. Maybe you just might understand me a bit better after reading it. I can only hope.

The images that still haunt me are the first few weeks of Ben's stay at Mercy San Juan. After being administered into the hospital they saw it best to put him in the Critical Care Unit (CCU). For three weeks I would have to walk through the ICU and watch people going through the process of dying or seeing the aftermath, everyday. Then I would make it to the CCU where I had to don plastic clothes and gloves before being admitted in to see Ben. For two weeks I had to make "life pacts" with him because the pain was so extremely painful he wanted to die. After talking him into living for another 24 hours, Ben would pass out and the rest of my 4-hour stay was watching over him and his vitals, making sure he was comfortable and talking to the nurses and doctors on his behalf.

Before making my way out to the hospital I spent the day worrying about how Ben was doing and what I was going to do with our 6 month old. Not only was I having to raise him on my own now, but I had to think about how to keep it all together should the worst (for me at least) happen. I had to struggle to find people to look after Christopher while I would be away and being away from him was almost as bad as being away from Ben! Fortunately, I had some wonderful friends who had been there for us while in Arizona, come through once again but on a daily basis now, and help me in whatever way they could or I needed.

If having my own crazy thoughts run through my head on a nightly basis because my one and only was not sleeping next to me were not enough, the nightly doctor phone calls were. Every night while Ben was in the CCU his doctor would call after his daily surgeries to "debreed" the necro fasc from his body. These calls came anywhere from 1AM to 4AM and they were never good. I could always hear Ben screaming out in pain in the background as they transferred from gurney to bed. The pain meds would never abate his pain fully. The doctor rarely had good news for me. In those wee hours I would be told that the doctors didn't expect to make it another 24 hours only to be told later in the afternoon that things were "looking up". This happened daily.

To put into a little more perspective my thought processes, family and death are the two most important and scary things for me. You can tell me till you are blue in the face all about Heavenly Father's plan, but my greatest fears in life are losing my family and death. The one thing I have worked the hardest on (my family) was slipping through my fingers and it was all due to death. I could barely keep it together! I am not that close with my own extended family, in fact it is tearing apart as we speak. And I'm not as close to Ben's family as I would like to be, so to me losing Ben would be losing my family.

After enduring 6 months of watching my loved one go through excruciating and humiliating cancer treatments and battling my own postpartum depression (PPD) throughout, I was spent. Because of the hard times for Ben and myself, I did not receive the motherly tendencies one should when they become a new mother. In fact it took me the entire 6 months to be able to tell Christopher I loved him, and mean it. It was difficult to love someone who screamed and yelled when I wanted to but couldn't. It was even more difficult when I would feel an extreme amount of guilt asking my cancer-stricken husband to care for our little screamer when I could not. It was irrational thinking, so I blame PPD, but I blamed Christopher for not understanding. After Ben entered Mercy San Juan (MSJ), luckily the PPD lifted and I was faced with the reality that it was going to be Christopher and I from now on. I held him tight, told him I loved him, and for a while he became my rock, despite the late night crying sessions had by all.

There is oh-so-much-more to this story. All the little intricacies of daily routines and thoughts. All the outside conversations, some helpful, some not. The many thoughts of "what to do if's", that I could go on and on more so than I already have. And if you would like to know I will tell you. But be prepared. I have a lot to say, a lot of emotions, a lot of opinions, so much so, I think I could write a book! And this is my story, in short, of happened to me, Ben, and Christopher two years ago for 3 months. There is after story, but that's for another post. There's a bit of it already written in the "older posts" section and if you want to know more about that, just ask and I will tell you all you want to know...and then some.

Today at the Thrift Store: Cuz' I Am Bear-ly Breathin'...

2011-06-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

Today at the Thrift Store: Cuz' I Am Bear-ly Breathin'...: "One of the first important things in a person's conscious life is their teddy bear, perhaps it is this love from earliset recolec..."

Snow Angels and dog

2011-04-09T16:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went to the snow. It was Christopher's first time and he was a bit nervous when he was first placed on the snow bank. After we showed him it was okay and that the snow wasn't going to hurt him, he starting having a lot of fun!

Christopher even made a snow
angel! It was adorable! He didn't really know what he was doing, just that it made all of us coo and awe over him doing it and that always makes him happy.

Here's my attempt at a snow angel. Ben spared the world from seeing me in action and decided the after-effect was much nicer. I agree. :) I was kind of out of practice at making snow angels...

Here's the snowman Ben made. We were all laughing afterwards. The eyes and buttons were made from pieces of asphalt! Yikes! The next picture is of Christopher trying not to touch the snowman. Just after this shot was done, the poor snowman had a tumble...sad...

And finally, here's the dog! Not our dog but a dog that was across the street in this fenced-off area (we had pulled off the highway because Christopher had thrown-up). The dog ran up to the fence and was jumping up and down to see people having so much fun. It escaped under the fence and came bounding for us. It was a completely harmless dog. He just wanted someone to play with and a baby (which he licked non-stop). We played with him a bit until he found something dead buried in the snow and rolled in it. By then it was time to go. So we led the dog back across the street and hoped it would find the person that brought him. He was a sweet dog and if we didn't already have a new dog, I would have brought him home. Oh well.

Loo Loo over Lucie (my dog)

2011-04-07T14:23:00.000-07:00

Lucie is my funny little dog that is very much a part of our family now. We've had her for over a month now, but it feels like she's been with us forever.
I still can't believe I even have a dog. I mean, the last time I had a canine to call my own was almost 10 years ago!

By far, Lucie is the largest dog I've had. My first dog was a Low Rhodesian Ridge-back Labrador Retriever (try saying that three times fast). Then I had a Rottweiler-Basset that we used to say the father was the basset (true story). Now I have Lucie who is a Black Lab/Border Collie mix. A fine specimen of boisterous affection and incredible tolerance! I say tolerance, because Christopher simply loves to cuddle her in his own rough and tumble way. I don't have a picture of this special kind of love because it only lasts a few seconds. You have to be here in person to witness it in all its cuteness glory!
And SPEAKING of cute! How could I post something describing someone who brings never-ending joy and suffering to my life without showing new pictures of him?!

Here are a few photos of Christopher doing some of his favorite pastimes.

Giggling....

Showing off his tummy...(I don't know why he loves doing this so much, but it's cute)

And posing for the camera...
If the camera is out, he stands in front of you until you take his picture, then he wants to see the picture you just took to make sure you didn't just make the "clicking" noise to fool him. He also thinks/knows he is cute and wants immediate evidence that I got his good side. I'm in trouble!

School is school...isn't it?

2011-04-06T15:57:00.000-07:00

I am attending University of Phoenix and up until recently, I was feeling pretty good about my decision to attend this college. I was proud that even though I was/am going through some tough times, I was/am still willing to try and better myself and hopefully the future of my children.

I completely understand that
the University of Phoenix is no Harvard,
but I always thought a higher education
is a higher education. It doesn't matter

where it comes from, or does it?
I have been doing a bit of research on the stigma online colleges have gotten and I kind of understand it, to a degree. I mean, so what if the people that attend such schools don't exactly look the part of a fancy college student?! Shouldn't we be more proud and feel better about "those kinds of people" because they are trying to better themselves and in return bettering our community? At least the kinds of people others imagine those who attend online colleges, are not out there taking advantage of the system. Even if they are on some kind of government assistance, wouldn't their attempt to go to college show some effort of being off of assistance once they are done? That's what it means to me!
Look, I know that some of my "classmates" have some incredible life stories, but they are trying to turn their lives around, trying to make it so they can possibly qualify for a chance at a better life.
My online schooling is equivalent to a "brick and mortar" school. The only differences, really, are the way the school is scheduled. I don't have a wild and crazy Spring break (I'm too busy in school). I don't have an awesome Summer vacation planned (I'm too busy in school). My courses are the same, they're just broken up a bit differently. And if I wanted to go crazy in Florida or have an awesome time in Disneyland, I can, because school can come with me anywhere I want it to!

gush versus BIG HEAD

2011-04-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

I am at my 6th week in my second set of classes at school. I have a math class and an English class. Math is fine, but English is killing me (when I say killing me, I mean instead of having an A+ in the class I have a B+). I have been working hard to get my grade up to that glorious A and by doing so it has made my teacher notice my class activity more. I get more comments on my posts than anyone else in my English class and I have been getting a lot of positive feedback from my teacher. This is the reason for my gushing versus BIG HEAD issue.
When the teacher says nice things about the topics I write about, it makes me gush. When I am further encouraged it gives me a BIG HEAD along with the gushing. It makes me feel smart (especially when the other students chime in with the teacher).
What's even more fun is that this is beginning to happen in my math class as well! Every time I see that the teacher has made a comment on my post I squeal like a little girl (on the inside...sometimes) and I feel all special and smart.
Now, am I cool or just a dork...or both? You decide! :)

Bruised Baby and the Nightstand

2011-04-03T15:59:00.000-07:00

You may not be able to see in this photo, but the entire left side of my beautiful boy's face is black and blue. The other day, while jumping and cuddling (sometimes this is the same thing) on my bed, Christopher decided to go for broke and take a flying leap believing whole-heartily that I would catch him (even though I was facing a different direction entirely). Unfortunately I did not and he and his wonderfully cute little face met the corner of my big and bulky nightstand...and then the floor. This resulted in about an hour of fitful cries, lots of snuggles and comforting songs, ice packs, kisses and tissues.
After all of that, Christopher's face began to swell and he had cut his cheek. In the ensuing days, his face became darker in the affected areas and now look as if I beat my child. THEN came today where he thought it would be a good idea too see if he could "fake fall" off his step stool in the bathroom. He could not and landed on his head, which now has a huge lump on the front of it. Christopher has finally gotten used to having an icepack on his face and so laid calmly while having one on his head this morning.

These are pictures of my new/old nightstand. We've had this in the garage for a while waiting for the right time to make it pretty and put in the house. After Christopher's fall, I wanted to downsize the clunky nightstand that is currently residing by my bedside, to something smaller and more manageable. We painted them a sort of "robin's egg blue" because that alongside a chocolate brown would be very nice. Those are the colors we eventually will be turning into our lovely retreat room (aka master bedroom).

The nightstand was originally peeling-paint white and was a junk-pile find. Now it is a lovely shade of a blue sort of color. Later we hope to find a complimentary piece for Ben's side of the bed. My other hope is maybe this one won't do as much damage to my precious little guy's face when next he decides to collide with it.

Hey Mr Postman...

2011-03-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

I don't know why it is when I put a letter in the mail and it's been picked up by the postal worker (mine is 7 months pregnant) I have the urge to run inside and call the people I sent letters to and ask if they have received my letter. I know the lady just came and hasn't even made it to her mail truck! I blame the Internet. I am a full-blown instant-gratification follower and need to know or have everything right away. I just wrote a couple of letters and sent them out yesterday and the only one that might make it the person today is the one that went local. Other than that, my letters are going nearly out of the state and then in the middle of the next state. Oh well, I know I need to learn patience (always had a problem with that).
On a different note, if you're looking for a good chuckle, check out Ben's new blog.
We have a bit of fun hopping around the town's thrift stores looking for things that seem a bit outrageous.

Alright, I guess that's all for now. I hope you enjoy yourselves today! It's beautiful outside, go out and play!

A Small Accomplishment...

2011-03-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

This picture is not me, but it represents a small accomplishment for me. See, last night I started noticing something that I thought was slight, but now I see as something bigger. This morning I acknowledged to myself that I had lost not only weight, but inches. I noticed in a different way: my pajamas fit big now. The PJ's that I have been wearing without needing to be cinched up were starting to fall off my fluffy self and I thought, "This can't be right. Maybe they got stretched out." But upon further reflection and investigation, I found that I had lost enough fat around my waist to make a significant difference in the way I wear my clothes. I also happily discovered that I had lost a bit on my thighs as well. Sadly, my bum is still overtly large, but I give it time.
See, my weight loss program isn't a diet or a new way of living, it is simply taking notice of what and when I eat and being conscious of it. I am doing this whole thing at a slow pace so I can't get upset if I don't see immediate results (I started doing this around November). I'm not going to be one of the lucky few who can boast about losing a large amount of weight in just a few months, but I will be able to maintain better I believe.
My goal range is about the same as my schooling: about 5 years to my optimum weight. I'm not going to tell you how much I weigh or how much I want to lose. It's not that I am completely ashamed of myself, I'm sort of indifferent and I realize shame and guilt don't motivate me. I am just going to focus on my accomplishments, no matter how small, because that does motivate me and that's what really matters.

I Never Could Get the Hang of...Tuesdays?

2011-03-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is, but for me, every Tuesday seems like a Saturday. Even today, when we had a family thing planned and had a very lovely Monday, did it not occur to me that today was Tuesday and not Saturday. I don't think that I long for Saturdays; for me, every day is the same with little variance. I think that every week will be different, that something has made me off by a few days but, nope, it's still the same. Usually, when I think Tuesday is Saturday, it means that my week is going to be a very long one. Oh, well. I guess I will continue to tick off the days in hopes of keeping track.

YES! YES! YES!

2011-03-01T21:30:00.000-08:00

My picture here is not to promote Jim Carry's movie (although I thought it was kind of funny) but it was the only picture I could find that expresses exactly how I feel....

After much tribulation (okay, not really) I received straight A's in both my classes! I have started my next round of boring set of classes that is already making me pull my hair out, but if I keep it all up I will again succeed at high grades. So, here we go with it all. Wish me luck! Your wishes did me so well this last time...

FINALS...and a dog...

2011-02-27T17:26:00.000-08:00

Our new dog, Lucie!

So! This week was jam-packed full of adventures...mainly self-imposed, but whatever!
As you can see, we acquired a new dog. Her name is Lucie and she is wonderful! She comes when called, can be a lap dog or play fetch. She plays well with other dogs...all around she just has a wonderful disposition. I'm hoping to learn a few pointers from her. :P
Also mentioned in my title are my finals. I missed 5 questions on each of my finals so I think that means I got a B on each. I don't test well, even if it's mediocre material. I get all stressed and can't think straight. Anyway, I think that makes my grades all B's (unless by some magical way I did the math wrong and I get A-'s). That would be GREAT! I'm sort of a perfectionist, but I'm trying not to be. I read somewhere that "perfectionism is the highest form of self-abuse". I really do believe that, but putting to actual use is fairly difficult for me.
And speaking of math! That's one of my next classes along with Communications and Composition (pretty much and English class). I hope I do alright in these classes. I'm always nervous until I know what I'm up against.

Lucie in her kennel taking a nap in her sweater

Well, here's one last picture of our dog, Lucie in a sweater that Ben really wanted her to have. I think it's cute and funny.

"Who's the Cutest Kid at This Party..."

2011-02-20T21:48:00.000-08:00

Here's Christopher playing with Carrie and Abby

Here's Christopher having cake with Daddy.

These are rice balls. Christopher loves rice and sushi!

This is the cake Ben made up of Christopher's favorite movie characters from the movie "Cars"

Here's another view of the cake

Some of the goodies from the party

Just one of the 4..that's right, 4...pizzas we had...Christopher also loves pizza!

He loves his juice...he also wanted me to take a picture of him :)

Even Gus decided to join in the fun...sort of..

This is Mack, Christopher's FAVORITE "Cars" character

Christopher wanting to pose for another picture...thilly guy!

Here's the birthday banner..and a family sign I made a while ago :)

Christopher enjoying his company

These are some of our neighbors and friends

Christopher's first sight of his cake...he was speechless..which is saying a lot!

trying to blow out the candles

finally blowing out candles...with Daddy's help :)

He couldn't wait to have all those toys..neither could the rest of the kids!

Christopher spent the rest of the night playing with his Cars

oooohhhh....

Playing Cars with Grandma

Eating some cake and ice cream...but mostly playing with Cars

This is our neighbor's son looking a bit Goth with his black lips and pale face :)

MACK!!

this is not his baby, but it does soften his image a bit to hold him :P

He just couldn't be bothered by cake...his is the one that hasn't been eaten

playing Cars with Daddy...aawww!

C-H-R...I-S-T...O-P-H-E-R!!!!

Tired...

2011-01-26T04:03:00.000-08:00

Boy, am I tired. Christopher and I have been sick off and on since Thanksgiving (memo to me: get flu and pneumonia shot this year) and it is just about killing me and Ben. On top of being sick, the poor guy has been going through several growth spurts. "What does this all have to do with being tired," you say? Christopher has now decided that he is still sleepy at his regular time of 7:30/8PM BUT that instead of sleeping 10 hours a night, he simply needs 6-8 hours. Which means, he wakes up at 3 or 4 in the morning. On rare occasions he graces the world at 2 or 5, but this morning because he has been so sick the past few days, it was a 12:45AM wake-up call. I am amazed at the stamina I possess at this time considering I have been up for 3 1/2 hours now and I'm not even tired...well, sort of. Oh, and did I mention that I am sick as well. I am just a day or so behind Christopher so I lie in wait to see my fate.
OH! I think I hear him waking from his "nap"...better go! Get some sleep...for me. (*yawn*)

Halfway Point

2011-01-20T21:43:00.000-08:00

I just finished my mid-terms for the first time in about 15 years. Lemme tell ya, the tests were easy but I am not good at tests. I second-guess everything. I did alright, I got B's on my tests and I already have A's so I suppose it's not all bad.
In the attempts to not overwhelm myself, I have decided to add another component to my week: volleyball. It's not a huge commitment but I was hoping to finally be doing something that is solely for myself and not for anyone else. Trying not to think of it as a selfish act, I had my first time at it tonight. I sucked! I think there was only one other bad player on our team. What's worse is that we are big enough to split into two teams. GREAT. Just what I need: an adult version of "last picked". Next Thursday is our first tournament. We have practice on Wednesday and I'm hoping to hone any skills possible!
Well, wish me luck on getting better grades and better skills!

What A Week!

2011-01-02T13:30:00.000-08:00

Well, I have completed my first week of school. I have to say, it is quite easy...a little too easy.
If you didn't already know, I am attending University of Phoenix online. Which means that everything I do from buying/reading books to turning in homework and participating in "class" is all done online. It's pretty much a designated forum with a chat room (but not live chat) and a main forum from which we participate in "class". Some of the participation involves responding to discussion questions the teacher has set up for us to talk about. Then we have to respond to other students' responses. That last part is what has me a bit verklempt. Right now I am taking pretty much remedial courses for credit so some of the students in the class are a bit slow on the uptake sometimes. It's incredibly difficult to respond to someone who just found out, for instance, that being overweight and not getting enough sleep is considered poor health. And then to respond to the person responding to the first person who says they were also blind-sided by such information and thought only smoking was true sign of bad and unhealthy choices.
(*sigh*)Aaaahhh, oh well. I really only have a few more weeks until my next course (which I forget what was at this moment), so I will fumble through and search for things to learn about and people to learn from. Either way, this whole experience is exciting for me, no matter how mundane, and I am eager for each new day that will lead me closer to my goal!

Orientation Done!!

2010-12-21T09:07:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally finished my three week orientation class. I have a week until I start the real thing. I start with remedial courses pretty much: Principles of Health and Wellness ( :P) and Introduction to University Studies (blah!). Oh well, at least I'm in and starting! I know it's a long road and not a lot of folks believe that I will finish, but I will! I'm trying to gather as much support as possible because, truthfully, I am not what you would call a "finisher". I tend to bite off more than I can chew. This time, though, I am taking a slow and comfortable pace. I am in no real hurry, I have no need to race anyone to the finish line. I have nothing to prove to anyone except myself! I have ideas of what I would like to do when I finish each of my goals...like PARTIES!! My gift to me for finishing the orientation is going on to the next level and begin working on my AA. I am both excited and nervous, but here I go nonetheless.

Yay Me!!

2010-12-11T13:50:00.000-08:00

I have done a lot in secret lately, but I'm trying to stop that. I believe there are things you should keep to yourself, of course, but the things I have been holding to myself have just been out of insecurity. I don't like to be judged (even though it's one of my favorite pastimes). I actually care what people think of me and I don't think that is a bad thing as long as it's not taken too far. I don't like rejection either, it effects me in a bad way. I was hesistant to share my entering into school again for fear that I would fail and people would ask about it. At this point and time I do not feel like I am going to fail, in fact I feel quite positive about it. I understand my risks so don't you worry. With that being said, I have another little secret to share: I have been trying to take better care of myself. I don't like to say "diet" because to me that seems to imply that it will all come to an end rather than being a life-long venture. I don't have a weight goal (that's too depressing for me) but I do have a simple goal of just doing better (whatever that means to me). I won't go into too much detail on how I'm doing it simply because I don't want any unsolicited advice. What I am doing is actually working for me, thus the "Yay Me" title of this post! I don't stand on scales because I will obsess too much about that, but I can tell it's starting to work because my clothes fit much better! I pulled my more snug pair of jeans right out of the dryer and put them on without any trouble! No huffing and puffing, no having to manuever my body positioning to fit in my jeans. Nope. Just put 'em on one leg at a time! It..was..AWESOME!! I don't think my weight loss is very noticable, but at least I can tell and that helps me carry on! Yay Me!!

Merry Christmas to ME!!

2010-12-09T13:48:00.001-08:00

I don't know why it has taken me almost 3 weeks to realize that my school starts just two days after Christmas!! Right now I am doing an orientation class to get me acquainted with the classroom format for an online course. It is a 3 week class which ends on the 18th of December. Then my REAL schooling begins on the 27th! WOW! So excited and so scared at the same time. I think I'm ready for it though. Bring it!!

Week 2 of School

2010-12-07T15:05:00.000-08:00

Just like Alice of Wonderland fame, this school stuff is getting curiouser and curiouser.
Right now I'm only in the trial or Orientation phase, but I've already ridden the roller coaster of knowledge a few times. Some things have been difficult to get the hang of, but like so many other classrooms, I was not the only one with questions (and many of them the same!) But I think I'm finally getting the hang of it all...except...
Because there is no formal classroom that we all meet in (we're all in different states including the Professor) we have to have discussions somehow. In order to be flexible for all involved, the idea of Skyping or any other online video chat is really out of the question. So, we all do sort of a chat room/blog room. The teacher posts questions for us to respond to during the week and we post our reply. The frustrating part of it is, you don't get credit for just replying to the question. You have to comment on others comments. I'm not very good at this because although I blog in a lot of ways it is just me with a few comments here and there...and I'm not graded on it!
Oh well...I guess I have to be more friendly and comment more...here goes week 2!

Start of a New Day

2010-11-30T09:09:00.000-08:00

I sometimes live my life by words of affirmation; either ones I have read or ones I come up with myself. My current philosophy is not to live by constantly "picking up the pieces". I find it both simpler and more difficult to just redefine myself. Instead of constantly trying to find the broken parts of me and figuring out how to put them back together, I am taking what is left after the pieces fall and molding a newer, better (hopefully) person. I'm still me, but my goal is to grow after being in "the refiner's fire". A sort of phoenix rising out of the ashes if you will. And that leads me to my new adventure!

I was planning on keeping it to myself and Ben (you know, in case I fail) but that doesn't feel like the right thing to do at this time...at least not with this.

I have decided to finally go back to school and finish what I started. Except this time I have a plan, an objective, a goal. I know I have to start at the beginning essentially, but that's okay. My family has always said I would be a good teacher and that's what I intend on doing. I have had secret desires to teach for a while now and with the past couple of year's events and with much planning, I believe this is what has been set in front of me to complete. Several things have fallen into place to make this happen and I hope they continue to do so.

I am finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel! I know that I/we are not even close to the end of our ongoing trials, but rather I see the light of hope that our burdens are starting to lighten and doors are slowly opening. There aren't any definite things as far as Ben and his health are concerned, BUT there is opportunity where there was none before! To me, this is more than exciting, it's uplifting! For a while, hope was a four-letter word for me. Now, it feels like something I can hold on to and not be afraid.

Please send well-wishes to me and my family as we all try this new path to recovery in its many forms. We're gonna need it!

WE are Family

2010-06-01T20:58:00.001-07:00

Our family has changed a lot since this photo was taken a little over a year ago. Since then, I have learned to love our little family more than I thought ever possible. I learned more than I wanted to. I definitely haven't learned it all...yet! I know there is SO much more to come our way. I've always been a sucker for knowledge, well I guess I got what was coming to me huh?!

But I miss it. I miss what I had thought we were heading for: a life filled with wonder and amazement and frustration all from being new parents. I miss those precious first few months of Christopher's new life. Those months instead of being full of sleepless nights and joys of parenthood were tainted by sickness, stress and death. The following months didn't get any better, they got worse. I know we can never get those back or start again. I know all I can do is learn from it all and move on. But I'm having trouble with that last part. I'm stuck. I'm wounded. I am working on all that right now, but it's a long and painful process. There are feelings and emotions I haven't yet let myself go through, but I know I have to in order to get past this.

With Ben there is still much to do and it seems I am the only one that can get them done, or at least the ball rolling. I'm not sure I am ready but the time has come. I'm scared and I'm lonely. I'm reading MAKING SENSE OF SUFFERING and I am currently clinging to a quote from it: "Suffering places us behind a door and hides us somewhat from the view of others. The privacy allows adjustment, renewal and transformation. The fortunate interruption allows us to break old chains. When we emerge, we need not put them back on....Friends and loved ones will be quietly relieved that the pain recreated us." This last part is helping me not be so angry.

I don't know why I am writing all this. I guess I'm hoping that I can just vent enough to keep breathing. Also to let people know that we are still here. We're just trying to recuperate so we can join the human race again.

False Alarm!!

2010-04-26T12:39:00.000-07:00

AAAAHHHHH!!!! What's the saying? "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." Not until this moment did I realize that "Hell" is meant for the person(s) that the "intentions" were intended for!

We were generously offered this pie-in-the-sky offer that we thought was carefully and meticulously thought through, otherwise why would such an offer exist?!

So, if you don't quite catch my drift with my vague metaphors, let me spell it out. We are NOT moving as of yet.

So, I guess a "hurray!" is in order considering the chance we actually might get to keep the home we worked so hard to get. It's just the roller coaster of emotions that we have gone through these past few weeks has been crazy to say the least...maybe taxing is a better word.

It seems the safe route for me right now is to live on a month-by-month basis because anything we have now this month can all be taken away next month. At least that's how it has been working out.

So, sorry for the confusion, sorry for the upset...I didn't mean harm by any of it. I really thought this was the end of this particular chapter of our lives, but there seems to be an appendices.

Another Statistic

2010-04-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

So, with all the stuff we have done we are now set to become another statistic. We fought hard through our trials since being married; all of the miscarriages, job loss, home searches and even cancer. But we have lost the battle of our home. We have been struggling to make ends meet for some time and gotten assistance through church and family. But with Ben's pending health issues and the uncertainty of income prospects, we have given up on our home here. We have, thankfully, a very generous offer from my folks and we will be moving up near them in the next few months.

Like most people in similar situations, we did not go into this with the intent of just abandoning our home. On the contrary! We were always in the middle of a home project and became "weekend warriors" with regards to that fact. We even planned well when we bought our home, making sure we were not biting off more than we could chew. We had set in place nearly six months worth of savings in case of job loss, but with Ben getting so sick so fast and for so long, it wiped us out.

We have thought long and hard about our leaving in such a way. We tried the possibility of renting it out, but there is too much work to be done on the home. We have thought about a short-sale, but we would be so far under that it's just too ridiculous. We have decided to pay the consequences of a forclosure. I am sad and down-trodden. I feel beaten and that I did not lose a battle, but simply surrendered.

You may think poorly of us for our decision and I would not blame you. I thought the same of others before. But I hope you will forgive us and not think ill of us for too long. You may have done something different if you were chosen to walk our path. As for us, we saw no other way.

Church

2010-03-28T15:22:00.000-07:00

My grandpa used to say that church was for guilty people...and he wasn't guilty, so he didn't have to go! I'm not quite sure I agree with that philosophy, but I do choose not to attend church at this time.

I don't have any problems with principles or views, no, rather, at this time I am still too angry at God to praise His name. Which also makes me too angry to have people approach me at church and ask about my prolonged absence or inquiring about what's going on in my at this moment. Normally I would welcome such questioning, but right now I am too angry and I think I would snap at people, not meaning to.

I also don't want people to try and convince me that things aren't that bad and that I should just get over it. Or tell me that I'm not the only one that has problems, but that others don't let it get to them. Please let me be upset for a while. I'm trying to sort through myriad feelings and deal with them accordingly. If you wanted to come over and give me a hug, tell me things are going to be alright and don't mind me making a scoffing sound, that would be nice.

@DDiC#TeD!

2010-03-25T09:58:00.002-07:00

I am TOTALLY addicted to Christopher!! He is SO cute and sweet and silly! There are times when I can't stand him (usually when he won't sleep and I am really tired.) He is my reason for smiling and laughing nowadays. If he sleeps a little longer in the morning than he usually does, I get anxious and can't wait until he wakes to hold him. I know I am a "helicopter mom" but for right now, I'm okay with that! After having several miscarriages and a difficult pregnancy and the very real possibility of not being able to have any more children, this is the fate my poor Christopher will have to endure. I will be the best parent I can be despite this handicap.

I'm not perfect at the "love" thing with Christopher, though. I feel all three of us were cheated out of just experiencing being a family early on with the cancer and subsequent necrotizing fasciitis, that I wasn't able to give Christopher the complete love he needed and deserved right off. It took me six months for the PPD (Post-Partum Depression) to wear off and for me to honestly say "I love you" to him. Of course I loved him, but the struggles that were occurring, I, at times, resented him being around or at least being so difficult. It makes me sad to admit that, but it was the truth. Not until I had to seriously consider that it would be just Christopher and I because Ben was not going to make it through the necro fasc did I open my eyes and cling to my baby. Knowing that I could very well lose the love of my life and Christopher would never get to know his father I tried to start making up for all the time I skipped over hugging and loving opportunities.

I knew I would have to be both parents, but I still hoped and prayed that would never happen. I forced my into the hospital with Christopher so that he would have time with his father (even if he would never remember those moments.) I wanted to give Ben reasons to keep fighting and not give up. And if he didn't make it, he could still have the memories of his son with him and I could keep them with me.

Thankfully, we didn't have to cross that bridge but the scars are still there. I am addicted to Christopher now because he was all I had in the world, MY world, for that time. We clung to each other and I'm afraid I am still clinging.

Where We Are At Right Now

2010-03-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

Hey there! Long time since we've last blogged...well things have been quite, uh, interesting...right now we are in the middle of trying to find a surgeon that will put Ben back together again the way we believe he can be. Right now Ben's health is in limbo...he's feeling alright, but we're still waiting to see what is his ultimate fate: will he have a permanent ostomy or will he be able to have a relatively normal life again and will we ever be able to have children again? I guess that is where we are right now: just waiting...

Hey There!

2010-01-05T15:54:00.001-08:00

sorry to have not written for such a long time but SO much has gone on! Ben has come and gone to the Arizona hospital ("The Center") for his reconstructive and tumor removal surgeries. Those happened in August '09. But right after (really, like 5 days after) he came home from a first of many recon surgeries he contracted necrotizing fasciitis aka flesh-eating bacteria. He literally almost died two times! He was in the hospital close to home for 8 weeks. I was lucky enough to get him home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. He has a lot of scar tissue (thankfully) where the bacteria ate away his original tissue. He's been wearing a WoundVAC for these past few months while he's been home and we think that has done a lot to help heal him quickly. He lost A LOT of weight and continues to do so with his health not quite up to par. We are now awaiting a schedule for Ben to go down to Arizona again to redo the recon surgeries (hopefully). He'll have an initial appointment at the end of this month (January) and we hope to start surgeries in late February/early March. We are fighting to save our home and pretty much stay alive because we have absolutly no funds coming in! Ben's job only allowed disability payments for the first 6 months but now he doesn't have anything. It takes 6 weeks to get the process of Disability from the state and that only started at the beginning of December! We get food help and other minor assistance from our church which has helped stay afloat this long, but I don't know how much more we can take! I think I am suffering from a bit of PTSD from all of this since last year's milestones were all plagued with something awful! We didn't get to enjoy the euphoria of having a baby finally because just a couple weeks later Ben was diagnosed! Easter, my very beloved and very close grandpa passed away...from CANCER! Then we were off to AZ for two months and my first Mother's Day and Ben's first Father's Day were spent in the cancer center where he was trying to stay alive while they slowly poisoned and microwaved him (aka chemo and radiation). Fourth of July he was back in the hospital with a fever of 104! He barely made it home for my birthday in August but was in such bad shape for my birthday I was running around town with a cranky baby trying to find medical supplies for my husband! For our anniversary Ben was getting his recon surgery. For October he was in the hospital trying not to die! For Thanksgiving and Christmas we get the news that his job is not secured for him and our medical insurance had been denied! For the New Year we get to try it all over again! woopee! :p Other than that, our wonderful son is nearly perfect and almost a whole year old! He is the only light in my life and the thing that keeps me going. If I didn't have him I don't know what I would do...no pressure baby! :D

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-08-08T17:26:00.000-07:00

I was doing so well,
what happened?

I suppose overall I'm doing ok again,

the doc's figured out that my extreame pain is/was causesd by gas in my intestines,

I have taken in the past 3 days nearly every controlled narcotic available, and none seem to really do much, I've gotten as much relief out of the gas x that took 3 days to get approved ( >p!!!) as I have out of illegal stuff (what the heck???)

I just want to be normal again, and I want to come home!!! and to be able to take care of myself, if that really too much to ask??

sorry if my venting bothers anyone,

Chrystal and jack hale came over to visit last min today, and I'm so grateful they came at my best overall of the day

please keep praying for me everyone, I still need it,

thank you, I love you all, Ben

Arizona Update - and the results are in . . .

2009-07-31T18:09:00.000-07:00

Last night I won at bingo twice, I didn't like any of the prizes so I took a piece of the decor, and they allowed me, the picture is kinda bad but I like it =)

I know no one came here to see what I won at cancer patient bingo, so with n further ado

Today I had my "final exam" before surgery...

I feel very guilty for being disappointed, I have basically been praying for this result since I found out I have rectal cancer;

My body reacted very well to the chemo/radiation. (I'm very glad to know that misery wasn't for nothing) The tumor has shrunken significantly and the surgeon will not need to remove any of my internal organs completely. (just most of one)

Although compared to losing half of my pelvic organs and having a permanent colostomy, being told most of my rectum will be removed, (as well as assorted lymph nodes and some surrounding fat/tissue) with the remainder being reconnected to my large intestine feels like being told that;

"Instead of receiving a gun shot to my face it'll just be to my hand." (really I do prefer that, but it's kinda hard to be excited about it)

That said I am very grateful to everyone for all of their prayers, I feel I wouldn't be doing as well as I am without all of your love and support, but, of course, I will still need them to get through surgery, recovery and the remaining high dose chemo.

I know I ask alot of others, but I hoped that I might importune a few of you to "join me" in a fast, as i myself will not be allowed to eat this Sunday, (as preparation for the surgery) that my surgery goes well, quickly and for a rapid recovery so that I might return home as soon as possible

thank you all,

I love you,

Ben

Hey there...

2009-07-27T12:03:00.000-07:00

I realize that I come off more than a little strong when talking about or trying to deal with what's going on right now with our little family. I apologize. I'm not very good at expressing any other emotion...except I think I have "anger" down pat! I know everyone is going through their own struggles, trial(s), personal hells, what have you and I know we could all use more than a little support. Right now what Ben and I could use is a little note from you to say,"hi, I'm thinking of you and I care." Everything is overwhelming for us right now and we just need to hear from you in a loving way. If you tell us what you need, we could try to accommodate. We know that we have been lacking in the "helpful" department and are trying to rectify that the best way we can right now. I understand a note isn't going to pay the bills, get you a job or save the world, but it might brighten your day. I know it would brighten ours. We are just looking for some virtual hugs right now, but if you are local, we will gladly accept the real thing too!

Sorry for the confusion

2009-07-14T17:32:00.000-07:00

I have been (unsuccessfully) trying to blog via cell phone. As most of you know, we are home now. Ben will be heading back down to Arizona on the 29th of July and has surgery scheduled for the 3rd of August. Christopher and I will be staying behind unless Ben gets bad news about what kind of surgery needs to be done. The doctors won't know what kind of surgery there will be due to the location of the tumor, so we are waiting with baited breath to hear what they plan to do. I won't be going down because it takes a toll on Christopher (and Gus kitty). It has been two weeks now and Christopher is still trying to get used to being home. Half of his life has been living in a hotel! I will do my best to keep you all informed when Ben does go down to The Center, but for now I have to spend as much time with him as possible...I'm a bit needy and HATE it when he goes away!

2009-07-05T22:48:00.001-07:00

Ben is back in the hospital and i am back at home...alone...again

Ben Update

2009-07-04T18:31:00.000-07:00

So, sorry for the weird blog...I tried to update from my phone and it didn't translate very well. Anyway, we are home, but life is still strange and unreal. It seems that Ben, me and Christopher have changed but not our house or places around us. Ben says that we are not the same people and I'm starting to believe him.

Arizona Update:Sleeping!!

2009-06-24T15:26:00.000-07:00

It's finally happened! Christopher has finally started to sleep through the night! The other night he slept almost 8 HOURS! Then he will wake up to eat for about an hour then go back to sleep for another 3 to 4 hours. Isn't that GREAT! Of course, right now, I'm tired because Christopher decided to break up his sleeptime into three intervals instead of just the two, but that's ok. Finally the evening is not the scariest time of the day for me. I can actually handle the nights on my own...sort of. I still really need the company. Having Ben next to me even though he can't help out much is like having the little night light on...it scares away all the boogymen even just with that little light.

OH! That reminds me. We might be able to come home in a week from today! We will LOVE to have everyone over...just as soon as I can clean my house. We left in such a hurry that I never actually got any housecleaning done and I know my house is such a mess.

The scheduling here wants Ben to come back for surgery just two weeks after being home so we're trying to get that all settled in the next two days or so. So, here's my chance to solicite any and every one...I could use some companionship during the days and nights while Ben is gone. It looks like when he goes back down for surgery he might be at The Center for two weeks or so and I don't do well when he is gone. I know everyone has their own things going on so I won't ask anyone directly. Just a play-date or a sleep-over or even just an hour to sit and talk. I'm still having a real hard time dealing with Ben's cancer and having to watch him be in so much discomfort and fatigued. It's difficult still, knowing there is nothing I can do to stop his pain.

Arizona Update:Father's Day

2009-06-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

If the picture seems blurry to you, it's not you...you don't need to see a doctor...it's just everytime I try to take a picture with Ben or the baby, either one of them wiggle! Neither one of them can just sit still and take a picture. Christopher just can't wait to meet the next person coming along and Ben always complains he's tired and has to sit down...something to do with side effects BLAH BLAH BLAH! (Just kidding! I mean, he does side effects and I really don't make fun of them...just Ben, I make fun of Ben.) So, anyway! Here's a few pictures of Ben's first Father's Day! This one was taken in a room at The Center called "The Quiet Room". Incidentally, this room has a very large television in it and it's very small, but you can't hear Christopher screaming too much when you are outside the room, so I guess it works!

If you can't tell, we're at church and, YEP! Another blurry picture! Oh well, they're both cute so I guess I'll just let it slide.

Here's another one of them at church...guess we weren't paying attention to the speaker too well. But look at Christopher! He's SO CUTE I couldn't resist!

Yep, you guessed it! Another church picture, but look! Christopher is paying attention! What a good little boy.

This was my cheapo Father's Day "card" to Ben. We were at Macaroni Grill (a present given to him from the folks from the hotel!) and I wrote my little message on the paper tablecloth. AWWW...aren't I cute? :P

But seriously. Ben has turned out to be a GREAT father! Not to say that I thought he was going to be a bad dad, it's just that neither one of us really had any experience with babies. You might say that no one really does, but a lot of people have younger siblings and took care of them. When Ben had baby siblings, he was too small to take care of them or to ever notice them in way that he felt necessary to care for them. He was still a kid himself and concerned about "his" world and how it revolved around him. That's not a bad thing! He was, what, seven when his little brother was born?! I, on the other hand, had no other younger siblings, just an older sister who was eight when I was born. Sure, both of us may have babysat or helped looked after other children as we grew up, but NEWBORNS? That's a WHOLE new ballgame! I had helped out a neighbor with her new babies everytime because she had "C" sections with her children, but I never really helped out. I would just lift her baby out of the crib and hand them over to her.

But I think Ben has really matured and grown and I know that sounds a bit redundant, but if you think about it, the words are truly different. Ben has matured in a way that he is able to step out of his own world and care whole-heartedly for someone else--no questions asked! If Christopher needs something, Ben is the first one to try and figure out what exactly Christopher is wanting, and then gets it for him. Ben has also grown into a real, true man. A man that cares for and loves his son and would do anything for him. Ben is a wonderful example of what a "real" man is. A "real" man doesn't have to know everything there is to know about cars or sports, he has to know everything there is to know about caring for and providing for a family. A "real" man is a man who smiles and takes pride in the family he has made and shows his love for his family so that everyone around him knows and feels that love. Ben is all of this and more! I love you Ben...Happy Father's Day!

OH Yeah! Just one more picture...

This is what happens when grandma comes to visit and help out all the way down in (VERY HOT) Arizona! Not only did Christopher start sleeping about 6-7 hours at one go, Ben and I also got some sleep...which was more precious than even this picture! Thank you SO MUCH Jocelyn!!!

Arizona Update:Shot Bear

2009-06-15T18:13:00.001-07:00

Today, Ben finally received some pain medication--Vicodin. He said it hit him like a wave and made him feel like a shot bear. I thought that was funny because that's sort of the way he looked too...just kind of wandering around looking loopy! The problem is it exasperates his already crippling fatigue, but I guess if the pain is gone maybe he won't have to lug his poor body around looking like one big ball of pain. Anything to make his life any bit better I'm all for!

OH! And today, Jana, gave us a BUNCH of totally cool baby stuff! It was really funny hauling out all of this baby paraphernalia out of The Center this afternoon and bringing it into our humble abode at the hotel! Some people seeing us for the first time thought that we brought all that stuff with us everytime we go to The Center! We got a really cool swing that swings both front and side to side, a portable swing, a VERY nice vibration chair, changing pad, tons of books and she still has more! I'm sure I left out some stuff because there was so much, but we are going to wear that stuff out! Man, Christopher totally made out with this stuff! Thank you Jana!! We love ya girl! :)

Arizona Update:Chain Gang

2009-06-14T18:59:00.001-07:00

Each link here represents a radiation treatment left for Ben. As you can see, there aren't very many left! YAY! So, hopefully we're done with treatments on the 26th of June and be on our way home sometime the following week! When we're done here we're home for a couple of months so Ben can recuperate before he has to go back for surgery. The surgery is the biggest hurdle to get over. We hope it will be a less invasive surgery that will cut out as little as possible. The doctors at The Center have high hopes that that's the way it is going to be. I'm worried it won't be so easy, but I'm sort of a pessimistic individual right now. I know I'm supposed to have a more positive outlook, but I'm still going through the grievance process. This is NOT how everything was supposed to be. And as much as Ben tries to reassure me that he won't die, the 20% chance that he could still lingers over my mind. Ben is also so vulnerable to illness because of the chemo. Now, I don't want that to be a deterant for anyone who would like to visit us when we finally make it home because we're going to need a lot of support. It just means that if you or your children are sick, let us know so we can have Ben put a mask on to protect him. But we still need people to come over and visit as much as they can. Ben is pretty weak from all the treatments and we won't be able to get out much and poor Christopher won't have his fan club surrounding him daily like before. :) But Ben is the "ever-positive" guy and trying to have that rub off on me. I just want to get the surgery done with. Then we just have chemo treatments to deal with pretty much after that. Those will last about 6 months or so, then he takes the test to see if the cancer is gone. So, as soon as we get home we will have 25% of this stuff done with! Can you tell I'm excited to leave? I'm all trunky and we still have two weeks or so to go! Oh well...it gives us both something to look forward to!

Arizona Update:FOUR Months Old!!

2009-06-10T16:24:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to get a picture of Christopher smiling because he smiles SO big that dimples just pop right out, but he gets mesmerized by the camera and won't look into it when he smiles. Oh well.

Here are a few of my attempts at trying to get a good picture of Christopher smiling.

See? Just too cute for the camera! These pictures were taken with the assistance of others trying to distract him, too! I'm in big trouble too because he likes my phone now because I keep taking pictures of him. :p

Well, we're doing the "it gets worse before it gets better" thing. Ben is starting to feel the effects of his treatment...even if he won't admit it. A wife can tell. But we have a few friends here that try to help us out and make life a bit easier if they can. Let me introduce you!

This is Jana. She was our very first real friend here at The Center. She is SO sweet and funny and even though she's got her own issues, she does her best to help us out and make us feel better when we have bad days. She gives good hugs too and won't believe you if you tell her everything is "ok". She's also real good at putting Christopher to sleep for me. Love her!!

This is Jennifer (one of like 5!) She is just the sweetest woman in concierge at The Center. She also has the best parents...they are so kind and my personal crying friend! Oh and Christopher just can't get enough of her!

This Doe...yeah, that's her real name. cool huh! She is SO funny and makes a mean chocolate, peanut butter shake at The Center. Actually, she makes the perfect smoothy...whatever you want! She's great!

This is Marcia. Marcia, Marcia Marcia! She works at The Hilton where we stay. She has been battling colon cancer and Ben's cancer buddy. Even though her life is totally crazy (no, really!) she keeps trying to do everything she can to make our stay in Arizona the best it can be. I told you she works at the hotel, but this picture is of her at The Center! She came to help take care of Christopher and hang out with me...on her day off! Totally SWEET!

Arizona Update:Dumb Doctors!

2009-06-06T12:44:00.000-07:00

This is another picture from the Chiluly Glass Sculptures at the Botanical Gardens. It's a boat filled with glass balls. It's pretty cool!

So, the doctors. Everybody at The Center is pretty nice, but I think we have been here long enough for peoples' masks to start coming off. Some of the doctors have been pretty rude and arrogant and more than one person has advised us to just try and look past that right now. But you know me, I'm not very good at looking past people's faults...especially if it's a doctor who is working on someone I care about. When I mentioned the "looking past the arrogance" thing at a patient meeting, an advocate wanted to talk to me more about what exactly went on, but no one has talked to me yet.

And it's not the doctors, but some of the other people that work at The Center that have kind of bugged me lately. At those patient meetings the head of certain departments want to know how they can help us out or how they can do things better at The Center. I have asked if it was alright if some people watch Christopher while we are in with a doctor or even when we get lunch in the cafeteria. Every time they tell me it's OK, but then I get the person who was watching Christopher walking up to us saying that they were told they couldn't do that. See, the problem is, apparently, someone comes to our helper every time and lets them know they can't watch the baby, but no one has copped up to us and told us that no one can watch him. It's just a little frustrating that's all.

Well, it's been a few days since Ben's chemo was amped up a bit and he's starting to feel some of the effects of it. He's also feeling a bit of the radiations affects/effects (I never remember which one is correct) as well. Ben says he's feeling a bit burned or something to that effect on the small of his back. And just last night he had to go in to The Center's "urgent care" because he's having a problem of inflammation. The doctor said that could definitely be from the radiation. Ben was given some pain meds and we're hoping it doesn't get worse.

It's starting to get boring here. We've got the same thing every day, just about. Same food. Same places that we go. A very nice break from the norm was a friend of mine that used to live in Elk Grove, got married and moved down here a few years back. Just so happens, we're in his ward and I made friends with his wife at an Enrichment activity last week. They invited us to their place for Family Home Evening and it was WONDERFUL! The main thing that made it so great was their house. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, just the fact that it WASN'T a hospital or a hotel...it was a HOME. It was SO nice, so comforting to be anywhere where we haven't been. It was so nice, in fact, that Christopher didn't cry once while we were there! Which is a feat in and of itself because if we try to go to a restaurant or the store that baby just screams his little head off. He goes from 0 to BABY in about 3.3 seconds! The, I guess, ironic thing is, for Christopher this whole crazy circus life is all he's really known and when we get back home and there's not scads of women coming up to steal him away at any given moment I just don't know what he will do. LOL!

Arizona Update:Do's and Don'ts

2009-06-03T13:01:00.000-07:00

I understand this cancer thing is a bit overwhelming for everybody and quite often you don't know what to do or say. A friend here at The Center who is also going through cancer treatments (she works here too) gave me a little card of "Do's and Don'ts" of "How to be a good friend to a person with cancer" so I will pass it along to you all in hopes that it give some ideas to crack the ice. Some of these things may not apply to this particular situation, but it may help you with others or just later on down the road. You may know these things already and that's good. Then this advice is for those who may be at a loss of what to do or say.

do....

*offer your presence often, be a good listener when they are ready to talk.

*talk about things other than their cancer.

*say,"I love you" and be yourself.

*ask what you can do to help--be sincere and specific so that they know you mean it. If they can't come up with anything, ask again in another week or so.

*use disposable dishware when delivering food to reduce the stress of returning them.

*arrange a phone chain to update friends of their condition, treatment, etc. (Be sure to get approval first.)

*offer to help by driving them to and from appoinments, taking their kids to childcare and doing housecleaning, gardening, cooking, shopping, yard work or babysitting.

*respect how they choose to deal with their cancer.

don't...

*tell them that everything's going to be all right because you don't know.

don't...

*tell them you know how they feel because you probably don't.

don't...

*be afraid to admit that you don't know what to say when you really are at a loss for words.

don't...

*be afraid to touch them, but don't force it either.

don't...

*hesitate to call them or leave them a message to let them know you're thinking of them.

don't...

*avoid the subject of cancer if that's what they want to talk about.

don't...

*be afraid to talk about your life. Just because they're sick it doesn't always mean that they are not interested in hearing about you.

don't...

*discount the real feelings they may be having by telling them no to feel that way, not to worry, not to be scared, or not to cry.

don't...

*share advice unless asked.

don't...

*be afraid to talk about difficult subjects. Ask them how they're feeling.

Arizona Update:Some Hiccups

2009-06-03T12:49:00.000-07:00

This picture is more of the "Chiluly Glass" display at the Botanical Gardens.

So, today was kind of a blow to us. Nothing too bad or anything, just a sort of sad thing. Ben wears his chemo usually Monday through Friday, but has been able to take it off for the weekend. The weekend has been a sort of saving grace for the both of us. For Ben because he has a couple of days that he doesn't have to worry about leaving behind a pack that's attatched to him and for me because that would be my time to cuddle him without having to worry about his tubes and stuff. Well, today Ben was told he was going to have to wear his chemo EVERYDAY...no breaks. So no cordless snuggles or easier shower days. The doctor today told him that Ben was given the wrong information and that he should have been wearing the pack always without any days off. So there's the worry that we haven't been doing enough either!

Ben was given a steroid treatment to help combat any sick feelings or fatigue, but the steroids gave him stomach acid issues which made him have violent hiccups all last night. It was difficult on him because Christopher kept us up all night the night before so poor Ben was already tired and now couldn't sleep because of the hiccups. Well, the hiccups have subsided somewhat, and he's dealing with the acid (we'll pick up some Prilosec at the store tonight) but we're both bummed about having him be hooked up until we leave. It just makes the days here seem longer.

Arizona Update:It's Not the Blow That Makes You Stronger...

2009-05-31T15:13:00.000-07:00

...It's how you keep moving forward.

Okay. I think I'm ready to move on now. I'm still angry about the situation and mad at God, but I'll get over it. I'm ready to stop whining and start being there for Ben and for Christopher. I do realize there are some good things that have and will come from all of this craziness. Like, all the friends we have made, whether they're here just for this "season" or they're here for always. The point is, they are here. And I think Ben will be appreciated more...I hope. I know I sometimes took it for granted how good I have it with Ben at my side. He does A LOT...nearly everything! He has been there for me through all of my miscarriages, even when I didn't want to be here at all. He did everything except carry Christopher when I was pregnant! He had to give me the very painful drugs and I can't even be there while others do that to him. I know Ben deserves better than what he's had so far. I can't go back and try to make it up to him, I can just do better.

There are two examples that I'm going to emulate from now on. One was from a Relief Society lesson where someone was given a small stack of books. The teacher said to try and lift up that stack of books. The woman looked a bit confused and wondered what the trick was (as there is with all object lessons), but she eventually picked up the books. It was easy. The books were light, no problem. The books were set back down and the teacher told the woman to simply pick up the books. Without hesitation, the woman lifted the books. The lesson:"try". If you try, you might hesitate and wonder if it can be done, but if told to simply DO then you know what is expected and you do.

The other example is from going to a friend's church last week. Her preacher used the example of the ATM machine. In the ATM our hard earned cash awaits us. We approach the machine and it commands us right away to put in our pin number. Without batting an eyelash we obey. We go through a series of other commands to finally reap our reward (our money) and walk away now prepared to do whatever we had intended. But the preacher said that suppose the ATM machine was God. He gives us our series of commands so that we may reap our rewards and gifts from Him. Except when He asks, we hesitate. We ask,"Why?" If we respond the same way to God the same way we do to the ATM, life would go a lot smoother.

SO...I'm going to stop butting heads with God...I'm going to stop "trying" and do better at "doing". And when He asks me to GO I won't ask why I will just go. I'm not perfect and I have acquired some bad habits, but I'm ready to learn how to do better. I know I will screw up sometimes along the way, but I know I won't be judged on how I fell but on how I kept on going.

Our Address

2009-05-30T18:07:00.001-07:00

Okay. We keep forgetting to post our address so here it is...finally! 11450 W. Hilton Way, Avondale, AZ 85323 c/o Ben Passanando rm#129 and you can always reach us on our cell phones.

Arizona Update:Confessions of an Emotional Eater

2009-05-30T16:39:00.001-07:00

My issue with food has always been that I hated it. I didn't like to eat and I never found any pleasure in eating. But now I have found that I have gained about 15 pounds or more because I made food my drug of choice. I think it's more like my excuse. There's an Indian tribe or maybe just an Indian tradition where, if someone dies, you can't cry for them or you will ruin their chances for happiness in the afterlife. So, what the mourners do is break their little pinky finger so they have something to cry about. I'm the same way. I don't want to complain about what's going on here and I don't want to cry about it, but if I'm fatter or even just sore from over-eating I have a reason to be upset. Of course it's a double-edged sword because I do it to myself so there's no one else to be mad at but myself. Is that screwed up or what?!

The problem..okay ONE of the problems I have run into is that when things are going okay like right now I still can't stop eating. My only saving grace is that what I want to eat, of course, is sweet stuff and since this isn't home the place here isn't stacked with free goodies to eat. I have to make an effort to go out and buy it with the money we don't have. So, if we don't have it in the hotel room I go out to the lobby and get some cocoa which makes me wired. Dummy me! Now I've just learned that the sister hotel across the parking lot has free cookies all the time and supposedly they are really good. UH OH!

Arizona Update:SO CUUUTE!!

2009-05-29T17:49:00.001-07:00

These are SO CUTE!! I know I'm partial, but seriously! They're a bit blurry because Christopher hardly ever stands still. And, oh yeah! He IS standing on his own practically. Ben is just barely holding onto his hands so Christopher can steady himself, but otherwise he is totally on his own! He's been doing this for at least a month, but he is just getting the hang of keeping his legs straight and sturdy on solid ground. And he is SO big...I haven't weighed him, but he's got to be 13 pounds by now if not more! He keeps growing out of the clothes we brought for him, but our very good friends back home have helped out A LOT! (You know who you are!) Thank you!

Hey those pictures turned out better than I thought they would!!

2009-05-28T19:31:00.000-07:00

It was all very last minute but last night the center had an outing to "Desert Botanical Gardens" where they were having a display by some famous glass blower, I had seen an advertisement for it and had really wanted to go but it was across town, and outside, so Blythe couldn't go (being unable to sweat and all)

Well against my better judgement, I left her to take care of the baby for a few hours, and surprisingly enough I'd have to say, walking through the desert is hot and tiring, even at night, the above photo was probably my favorite display, the one below is what most of them were like lots of tubes of glass, perhaps I'm hard to impress, I overheard an employee of the park say that throughout the park there were over 12,000 individual pieces of glass that took 5 semi's to move, and in all of the transportation and installation only 6 pieces broke, that actually is pretty impressive.

well, Blythe is out at enrichment tonight so I should go rest, in case this post seems too happy-

I still have cancer, but my cancer levels in my blood are about half the level that I remember being tested for a month ago, (yay chemo, :p, at least it's working)

thank you for your prayers, they seem to be working,

Ben

Arizona Update:3 1/2 Months Old...It Gets Easier Right?

2009-05-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

Sure, he's cute NOW! But get him at a restaurant or the movies and he turns into the Devil Child! (Note the "WARNING" label next to him? It means,"Don't take baby out in public unless you want a scene!") Actually, it's usually because he's tired, but he is inconsolable when he's cranky and we can never time it just right. Yes, I have a schedule and yes, I do adhere to it as much as humanly possible, but it is still VERY difficult.

When Christopher was fairly new and having difficulty sleeping everyone said it would get easier. "Just watch. At six weeks he'll be sleeping and it will get much easier." NOT! "Just wait, at 3 months it will get easier." Still waiting. A gentleman at the restaurant we attempted to eat at tonight said it doesn't get easier it just gets different. Three months ago was different than it is right now...sort of. Problem is, the poor kid hasn't had a break from his psycho mom!

A friend wrote to me about the scripture regarding enduring afflictions well and she supposed that "enduring well" meant holding back the tears and putting on a brave face. Obviously I'm not that person and if that's what it means to endure well, then I'm screwed! Really, I've never been a believer of suffering in silence. I think that's stupid! For one thing, people always say to ask for help or don't hold it all inside, but then praise the people that do! All I know is that is not the way I deal with things so much anymore. I used to and I was a VERY angry person. I mean, I'm mad right now but not crazy mad or anything.

All I want is for something, one thing, to be easy. I was hoping it was going to be Christopher, but it's not. I guess the easy thing for me has been to make friends. Since I don't have family or friends already down here, the friends thing has been pretty important to me. I hope that Ben's side-effects go easy on him. This year is an important one for Christopher and I'm afraid Ben might miss or forget a lot of it. And with all the angst I have, I'm worried I'm going to miss it too.

P.S. Read "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" for an answer on what Towel Day is...or just ask Merri. :)

Sorry I dont write as much as Blythe does

2009-05-25T10:37:00.000-07:00

But I do have a good excuse, being all chemo-radiated and all, I haven't had either done in 2 days (as Peggy told me, cancer takes weekends and holidays off) and I feel almost back to normal because of the low dose of chemo I get, it's basically all out of my system now.

So I really should let everyone know, that while still not something I would volunteer for the radiation has not been nearly as bad since the first day and my decency has not been completely compromised again, (fingers crossed for the future) perhaps because it was obvious that I was greatly bothered by it all, every day something further has been done to make it less traumatic, I truly appreciate that (and I'm not just saying that because the center knows about this blog and is waiting for me to say something else about them, in fact I'm sure someone there will comment on the fact that I said that, which is rather ironic)

so anyway HAPPY TOWEL DAY!!! and happy memorial day!

thank you for reading, and caring

Ben

Arizona Update:Scare

2009-05-23T17:27:00.000-07:00

So, this morning right after our baby wake-up call (a.k.a. Christopher deciding when we all wake) around 6:30am, Ben rolled out of bed to see why he was feeling wet. There was about a nine inch blood/chemo spot on his side of the bed. Sometime in the early morning Ben had rolled over onto his tubing linking his chemo to his port and it snapped, leaking blood and chemo onto the bed. It was really scary to see. I almost passed out! Not because I have a blood issue (I only do when it's my own blood), but because the love of my life was bleeding and oozing and my baby was also lying right next to it! Plus, we had a guest over last night. Brian, Ben's friend from West Virginia that moved to Tucsan not to long ago was down for a visit.

Ben called The Center to see what needed to be done then woke up his friend so he could drive him over there. Meanwhile, I had to stay calm while feeding the baby and we all know how good at being calm I am! I rushed into the bathroom to freak out a bit, then collected myself and tried to help any way I could.

Ben went to The Center and got unhooked and checked to make sure his port wasn't blocked. Everything went good there and he was on his way back to the hotel. We had to let the hotel what had happened and instruct them how to get rid of the sheets since now they contained toxic waste! They were very kind and obliging like always and cleaned the rest of the room while they were there.

The rest of the day has been pretty uneventful. We did have the Bishop and 2nd Counselor of the Elder's Quorum come and give Ben a blessing earlier. I don't know if that really helped, but I guess it's a step in the right direction.

Arizona Update:He's 13 Weeks

2009-05-21T14:54:00.000-07:00

It's not a very good picture. I took it through the little plastic window of his stroller because he's sleeping and that is so rare and I didn't want to wake him up. I'm officially "that mom". When people ask, "how old is he?" I say, "13 weeks, oh I mean, 3 months." :p Christopher is growing so fast too. He's already outgrown 4 going on five outfits we brought. We bought him a cute one the other day at Target. He gets taken care of most of the day by people here at The Center which is a nice break and allows some alone and nap time for Ben and I. We have people who fight to see who gets to take care of him next and who can put him to sleep fastest. Today we had another baby come in, but Christopher was WAY cuter and more cuddly. Plus that baby was five or six months old.

Every day here feels like an eternity. People walk by and always say how fast the baby will grow up and how we'll long for the baby days again. It doesn't feel fast and I will have wished we just had the baby days...period!

Ben's hooked up to his chemo pump that he carries everywhere with him and he's started his radiation. The effects are starting to come around and it's very scary for me to watch. He gets sick and tired very easily even though he won't admit it. I'm not used to him being sick and it's frustrating having to sit back and let it happen to him since there's nothing I can do to make it better. I try and let him get enough sleep. I take care of the baby through the night so he doesn't have to (except this morning...baby was VERY fussy). Ben took his first shower with the pump and it was very frustrating for him. He's got to keep his port area dry and keep water from getting into the I.V. hook-up thingys. AND he's got to have this bag hanging from the curtain rod with his death liquid tube and try to not have that thing tangle!

It's only Day 3 of radiation treatment out of 28 and I feel that I won't make it much less Ben. It's especially difficult because I can't really hug Ben for fear of hurting him where his port is or tugging on his tubing! And we're bed cuddlers and that's hard to do now too. We both used to wake up in the middle of the night together just because we're conditioned from when I was pregnant, but now I'm up by myself and it's lonely.

Arizona Update:Is This Thing On?!

2009-05-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

I understand that for a lot of you that might be reading this blog that this whole cancer thing might be a bit over-whelming. And I guess I understand that it might be difficult to think of something to say, but on this end, on Ben and my end, it's really lonely. To continue to write day after day and go through everything we go through day after day and still not hear a so much as a "hey, how's it going?" is more than a bit lonely. We've heard from a few people and to those few, thank you. Your words, whatever and whenever they are, are helpful. It doesn't take much. We just need to know you're out there...that you care...that you're concerned and love us. It's very hard being here with no family, no close friends (except the new ones we have to make to stay sane at The Center). I understand if you don't know how it is and don't what to say, but Ben really needs to know his family is there for him and that they care. I know you do, you just may not know how to express it. That's ok, just say that. We understand. Trust me.

My own personal hell -or- New forms of torture DONT READ THIS IF YOU THINK IT MAY BOTHER YOU AS MUCH AS IT HAS ME!

2009-05-19T16:08:00.001-07:00

To be honest I had intended to have my first post be some kind of light commentary on how nice everyone is or how I'm still doing OK, unfortunately, by the time I got access to write to the blog, and got around to actually writing, here we are;

Blythe mentioned the conditions of my radiation treatment, but with her own stress, my inconsolibility/inability to talk about it for a while and the baby reacting to us both, it's not hard to see that some of the details were lost/changed unintentionally,

For some reason I feel the need to share my experience, though I still can't talk about it, I'm sure I'm doing this for me because I cannot fathom a way that anyone else could benefit from the existence of this post.

I think I should start this out with the brief explanation that Blythe is the only girl I have ever really kissed, and the last woman to see me completely naked before her was a pediatrician when I think i was eight.

Today I went in for my first dose of radiation therapy, the therapist is someone who I believe, in nearly any normal situation I could be good friends with, there were three women in total who oversaw my treatment today (there are no men who do this at this facility) but I was promised that the most private parts of my anatomy would remain private, a promise I clung to like a drowning man to a life preserver.

To begin I was asked to remove all clothing below my waist and have only a thin sheet to use as a guard to my modesty, then I was instructed to lay on a hard table which had a "pillow" made from the same hard material, after getting situated I was asked if I was comfortable (really)

Well, being as I have rectal cancer my condition requires full pelvic radiation, the table was raised to put me about 4 feet off the ground, my feet were bound so they wouldn't move and I was given some sort of a foam ring to hold with both hands.

I was told that under no circumstances was I to let go, because any movement could mess up the location of the precision radiation, and it could kill healthy tissue instead of the tumor.

After being raised to this position, in which I could not move or see anything that was happening, the nurse then lowered the sheet from my waist to just barley covering my private area by perhaps a few centimeters and leaving my hips completely exposed,

This was bad, but i figured I could endure it, unfortunately after a few minutes of this, the head Dr. said she needed to have a little more access to the skin, and the sheet was brought to perhaps one centimeter from full nudity,

Keep in mind that I still could not move or really even talk at this point and was at full mercy to whatever they wanted to do.

Still with eternal optimism, once again my fledgling hope of retaining some dignity resurfaced as instruments were aligned further for a few more minutes,

Unfortunately it was not to be, the Dr said she still could not align it correctly, and while I lay there completely unable to move, and unable to speak the sheet was moved enough,

I could feel the cold,

I was completely exposed,

they promised I wouldn't be, I prayed I wouldn't be, I hoped and begged, but they decided it had to be this way for me to receive the treatment.

My options left at that point and this are to endure the most humiliating and degrading thing I have ever been through, (and do it 27 more times) or risk a much higher chance of recurrence and possibly, I suppose, die from the cancer, because I refused treatment.

and so I endure,

I swear I'm really not sharing this to make you think I'm some great person (if I was this probably wouldn't trouble me this way, and I'd see a big picture, or whatever) or to gain sympathy, as it is almost no one in the hospital could understand why it bothered me at all, (if one more person tells me "it's OK there a Dr" I really might flip out)

but I guess I share this so you know your prayers and thoughts are appreciated now more than ever, thank you, I really need them

I'm sorry to end in such a harsh way, but i feel the need to warn anyone who could possibly feel the need to make light or joke about this situation, perhaps to try to defuse the situation or to make me feel better, I can't have you in my life through this, I just couldn't take it.

Please don't be offended, it's just that I've just never needed anything more in my life than I need understanding right now.

Arizona Update:Pain

2009-05-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

I got to experience a different kind of pain today. It's not the kind of pain you get when you stub your toe or prick your finger. It's the kind of pain you get when you have to decide whom to comfort--the crying baby that's so loud you're worried you're going to get kicked out, or the crying husband that is going through something so traumatic that makes a man cry that doesn't usually cry. Then there's the pain of having to watch and allow strangers, essentially, burn the insides of a most beloved one to kill everything in site and then pump poison in on top of that...EVERYDAY!

If you haven't guessed, Ben started his radiation and chemotherapy today. The actual radiation itself isn't so bad, Ben said, but it is humiliating. He has to lie there completely naked in front of about five women while they pin point exactly where they need to aim the radiation. So, they're all staring down through cameras that zoom in on "that" area. It's very embarrassing and anyone who doesn't think so needs to think hard about that and truly imagine themselves in Ben's shoes, or at least not make fun of Ben for being embarrassed/humiliated.

The chemo stuff is probably the most scary for me. With the radiation they tell you they will be a burning sensation and some fatigue, but with chemo they give you this big booklet of all the things that could and probably will happen. Anywhere from extreme fatigue to excessive vomiting to bleeding uncontrollably to the inability to do just about anything. The people here try to comfort saying that a lot of this might not happen because of the kind of chemo Ben's having, but it's still an option. The other thing real scary about the chemo is, unlike the radiation where they zap you and you move on with the rest of your day, Ben has a constant reminder, 24/7, that he has to carry around with him. And that's not all! If he breaks the pump or it starts leaking, there's a whole procedure with a packet to handle just that situation. If it leaks, the baby and I have to get far away because again this stuff being pumped into Ben is poison, and he has to treat it like a chemical spill. Think Chernobyl on a very small, but still scary, scale!

Arizona Update:The Heat is ON!

2009-05-16T17:04:00.000-07:00

WHEW! It is HOT! Today's high is supposed to be 107+ degrees! I'm glad we get to be inside with free air conditioning that works!

Right now we are waiting on a phone call to start Ben's therapy. We had setbacks last week with the cryobanking and with Ben's bleeding. We were hoping (strong word but best I can do) to start today...at least with the radiation. The chemo shouldn't be too tough to start up either. They would just hook up the chemo to Ben's port (after putting some numbing cream around the area) and he would wear a fanny pack of chemo for a month or so. We're hoping for little to no reaction to the chemo. Maybe a bit singed from the radiation, but that's about it. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Arizona Update:Rough Ride Ahead

2009-05-15T15:55:00.000-07:00

The people here in Arizona (doesn't matter what area) are extremely kind. The people at The Center bend over backwards to make your stay as comfortable as possible. The people at the Homewood Suites treat you like the favorites in the family. So why do I cry everyday? Why is Christopher difficult to handle most of the day? Why are all the things that would make my day just a little bit easier not easy? And why am I the one that's a wreck and not Ben? I'm not the one with cancer, but I feel like I'm the sick one.

I wish we didn't have to go through any of this. I was hoping that after a hard time trying to bring a child into our lives that we would be able to just have this time to learn to be parents and not everything else. It's already difficult learning to be a parent and we have already had a pretty rough few years, so I thought Heavenly Father was finally going to give us a break, but I was wrong. I'm mad. I'm frustrated and I feel alone.

Arizona Update:Problems

2009-05-14T11:26:00.000-07:00

We had a bit of a stall in Ben's treatment yesterday. When we got back to the hotel and relaxed a bit after Ben's surgery, he started bleeding real bad again. We called The Center, but had to leave messages since it was after 5pm and everyone had gone home. He bled pretty consistantly through the morning, but by the time anybody could get back to us he was almost all the way done with whatever had irritated his colon. But we went to The Center's urgent care clinic anyway just to make sure. They took a few blood tests and determined Ben was anemic, but that everything was pretty much OK.

Ben kept trying to tell them his reaction was probably due to some medication he was given during surgery, but no one could confirm that he had been given anything that would be considered a blood thinner. We did some research and found they do use heparin when inserting a port, but the nurses insisted they didn't use heparin and that in this facility they don't have heparin. BUT Ben ran into the surgeon and he admitted using a diluted form of heparin and that would definitely set off his bleeding. In fact, the doctor said that Ben's tumor will be bleeding from time to time and when they start killing it, it will bleed more!

Today, we had a follow-up with the urgent care clinic and Ben's blood count is low, but they suspect it has all to do with the bleeding. They were worried they might have to do a transfusion, but they have put that off unless his numbers keep going lower. Ben feels better now and we're about to go to The Center's "luau lunch"! Hopefully today will be our care-free day! Here's hopin'!

Arizona Update:Ben's first surgery

2009-05-12T16:57:00.000-07:00

All went well for Ben's first surgery to put his port in. I don't know if you know what a port is, but it's a semi-permanent catheter or i.v. that's placed just under the skin and is hooked up to a major vein. In Ben's case, his carotid artery. The surgery was good, but Ben was a bit scared and his blood pressure was a bit high. The docs kept him around for a little while to make sure all was good, then they released him into my care. We had lunch and then went upstairs to watch a little t.v. and unwind.

I had a massage while Ben napped and a very sweet concierge, Jennifer, watched Christopher. My massage was nice, but I couldn't stop thinking about Christopher and hoping he was ok (I knew he was going to be hungry as soon as I left), I was worried about Ben and I was also a bit squished up top too so it was kind of uncomfortable. But it did work out some of the baby back stiffness I've had so that was good.

Nothing on the schedule for tomorrow, so I hope we can just sort of take a breather and let Ben finish his recuperation. He can't lift heavy things (including Christopher) for a couple of days so I want him to take it easy so he can heal better.

Christopher Open House for Blessing

2009-05-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

Here's Christopher in his Blessing outfit...it was too big for him! I think the pants are the only thing that kind of fit that day. The shoes kept falling off and the vest was more like a dress! LOL

Me and Christopher

Of course gotta get a pic with daddy!

Christopher with aunt Steph

Megan and Wilson Durant with their son, Henry

Cute one of Henry Durant

Peggy, Andy and Elias Otter

Some more Passanando family

Steph and Steve

Peggy and Katy

My parents

Beka and Katy...too cute!

Christopher

2009-05-12T10:02:00.001-07:00

Here's a cute succession of photos taken of Christopher when he was first born!

I think he looks like a cross between Mother Teresa and E.T.! LOL!

Arizona Update

2009-05-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

This was Christopher getting ready for his first plane ride! Ben and I were nervous, but the little guy did GREAT! There was a bit at take-off where Christopher wasn't too sure about this trip, but I sang to him and gave him a bit of a bottle and he did fine.

Well, it's not quite a week yet, but there have been lots going on! The first day/night was interesting. We stayed at the very nice Wigwam Resort. It had a walk-in closet that dubbed as Christopher's bedroom, a big king-sized bed, robes to wear down to either of the pools and a front and back porch to sit at and just relax. BUT it was far away from anything! No stores, no real restaurants (unless you count the very expensive on-site ones) and no fridge or microwave. So the next morning the Cancer Treatment Centers of America (we'll call it "the Center" for short) found us a very nice hotel that had two rooms, a full fridge, a stove top, and a microwave...oh and a free shuttle to wherever we want to go! Oh! and they have free breakfast every day and free dinner Monday through Thursday! Cool huh?! It's called, Homewood Suites Hilton in Avondale, Arizona. The people there are VERY nice and obliging. They even gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day! That was only Day 2 of our 6 to 8 week stay here.

We were all set to start Ben's treatment on Monday, but The Center wanted us to visit the local cryobank, but we said we couldn't afford it. But there's apparently a program that helps couples with cancer and we signed up for that and are banking for a hopeful future brother or sister for Christopher. Now it's Tuesday and Ben is in surgery having a port put into his chest. It should be there for about a year. He's been kinda nervous about it so I hope all goes well.

Passanando Fam

I Know Why the Caged Monkey Screams

*THE* Dress

Weight on Me

On The GAIN Train!

Shine a Little Light

Everyday is Saturday...

Give a Blythe a cookie...

Letter to Christmas..you know who you are...

I HATE Christmas!

All you need is...

Slowing Down

Balance

An Anniversary of sorts...

Today at the Thrift Store: Cuz' I Am Bear-ly Breathin'...

Snow Angels and dog

Loo Loo over Lucie (my dog)

School is school...isn't it?

*gush* versus BIG HEAD

Bruised Baby and the Nightstand

Hey Mr Postman...

A Small Accomplishment...

I Never Could Get the Hang of...Tuesdays?

YES! YES! YES!

FINALS...and a dog...

"Who's the Cutest Kid at This Party..."

Tired...

Halfway Point

What A Week!

Orientation Done!!

Yay Me!!

Merry Christmas to ME!!

Week 2 of School

Start of a New Day

WE are Family

False Alarm!!

Another Statistic

Church

*@DD*iC#TeD!

Where We Are At Right Now

Hey There!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Arizona Update - and the results are in . . .

Hey there...

Sorry for the confusion

Ben Update

Arizona Update:Sleeping!!

Arizona Update:Father's Day

Arizona Update:Shot Bear

Arizona Update:Chain Gang

Arizona Update:FOUR Months Old!!

Arizona Update:Dumb Doctors!

Arizona Update:Do's and Don'ts

Arizona Update:Some Hiccups

Arizona Update:It's Not the Blow That Makes You Stronger...

Our Address

Arizona Update:Confessions of an Emotional Eater

Arizona Update:SO CUUUTE!!

Hey those pictures turned out better than I thought they would!!

Arizona Update:3 1/2 Months Old...It Gets Easier Right?

Sorry I dont write as much as Blythe does

Arizona Update:Scare

Arizona Update:He's 13 Weeks

Arizona Update:Is This Thing On?!

My own personal hell -or- New forms of torture **DONT READ THIS IF YOU THINK IT MAY BOTHER YOU AS MUCH AS IT HAS ME!**

Arizona Update:Pain

Arizona Update:The Heat is ON!

Arizona Update:Rough Ride Ahead

Arizona Update:Problems

Arizona Update:Ben's first surgery

Christopher Open House for Blessing

Christopher

Arizona Update

THE Dress

gush versus BIG HEAD

@DDiC#TeD!

My own personal hell -or- New forms of torture DONT READ THIS IF YOU THINK IT MAY BOTHER YOU AS MUCH AS IT HAS ME!