Arizona Update:SO CUUUTE!!

These are SO CUTE!! I know I'm partial, but seriously! They're a bit blurry because Christopher hardly ever stands still. And, oh yeah! He IS standing on his own practically. Ben is just barely holding onto his hands so Christopher can steady himself, but otherwise he is totally on his own! He's been doing this for at least a month, but he is just getting the hang of keeping his legs straight and sturdy on solid ground. And he is SO big...I haven't weighed him, but he's got to be 13 pounds by now if not more! He keeps growing out of the clothes we brought for him, but our very good friends back home have helped out A LOT! (You know who you are!) Thank you!

Hey those pictures turned out better than I thought they would!!

It was all very last minute but last night the center had an outing to "Desert Botanical Gardens" where they were having a display by some famous glass blower, I had seen an advertisement for it and had really wanted to go but it was across town, and outside, so Blythe couldn't go (being unable to sweat and all)

Well against my better judgement, I left her to take care of the baby for a few hours, and surprisingly enough I'd have to say, walking through the desert is hot and tiring, even at night, the above photo was probably my favorite display, the one below is what most of them were like lots of tubes of glass, perhaps I'm hard to impress, I overheard an employee of the park say that throughout the park there were over 12,000 individual pieces of glass that took 5 semi's to move, and in all of the transportation and installation only 6 pieces broke, that actually is pretty impressive.

well, Blythe is out at enrichment tonight so I should go rest, in case this post seems too happy-

I still have cancer, but my cancer levels in my blood are about half the level that I remember being tested for a month ago, (yay chemo, :p, at least it's working)

thank you for your prayers, they seem to be working,

Ben

Arizona Update:3 1/2 Months Old...It Gets Easier Right?

Sure, he's cute NOW! But get him at a restaurant or the movies and he turns into the Devil Child! (Note the "WARNING" label next to him? It means,"Don't take baby out in public unless you want a scene!") Actually, it's usually because he's tired, but he is inconsolable when he's cranky and we can never time it just right. Yes, I have a schedule and yes, I do adhere to it as much as humanly possible, but it is still VERY difficult.

When Christopher was fairly new and having difficulty sleeping everyone said it would get easier. "Just watch. At six weeks he'll be sleeping and it will get much easier." NOT! "Just wait, at 3 months it will get easier." Still waiting. A gentleman at the restaurant we attempted to eat at tonight said it doesn't get easier it just gets different. Three months ago was different than it is right now...sort of. Problem is, the poor kid hasn't had a break from his psycho mom!

A friend wrote to me about the scripture regarding enduring afflictions well and she supposed that "enduring well" meant holding back the tears and putting on a brave face. Obviously I'm not that person and if that's what it means to endure well, then I'm screwed! Really, I've never been a believer of suffering in silence. I think that's stupid! For one thing, people always say to ask for help or don't hold it all inside, but then praise the people that do! All I know is that is not the way I deal with things so much anymore. I used to and I was a VERY angry person. I mean, I'm mad right now but not crazy mad or anything.

All I want is for something, one thing, to be easy. I was hoping it was going to be Christopher, but it's not. I guess the easy thing for me has been to make friends. Since I don't have family or friends already down here, the friends thing has been pretty important to me. I hope that Ben's side-effects go easy on him. This year is an important one for Christopher and I'm afraid Ben might miss or forget a lot of it. And with all the angst I have, I'm worried I'm going to miss it too.

P.S. Read "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" for an answer on what Towel Day is...or just ask Merri. :)

Sorry I dont write as much as Blythe does

But I do have a good excuse, being all chemo-radiated and all, I haven't had either done in 2 days (as Peggy told me, cancer takes weekends and holidays off) and I feel almost back to normal because of the low dose of chemo I get, it's basically all out of my system now.

So I really should let everyone know, that while still not something I would volunteer for the radiation has not been nearly as bad since the first day and my decency has not been completely compromised again, (fingers crossed for the future) perhaps because it was obvious that I was greatly bothered by it all, every day something further has been done to make it less traumatic, I truly appreciate that (and I'm not just saying that because the center knows about this blog and is waiting for me to say something else about them, in fact I'm sure someone there will comment on the fact that I said that, which is rather ironic)

so anyway HAPPY TOWEL DAY!!! and happy memorial day!

thank you for reading, and caring

Ben

Arizona Update:Scare

So, this morning right after our baby wake-up call (a.k.a. Christopher deciding when we all wake) around 6:30am, Ben rolled out of bed to see why he was feeling wet. There was about a nine inch blood/chemo spot on his side of the bed. Sometime in the early morning Ben had rolled over onto his tubing linking his chemo to his port and it snapped, leaking blood and chemo onto the bed. It was really scary to see. I almost passed out! Not because I have a blood issue (I only do when it's my own blood), but because the love of my life was bleeding and oozing and my baby was also lying right next to it! Plus, we had a guest over last night. Brian, Ben's friend from West Virginia that moved to Tucsan not to long ago was down for a visit.

Ben called The Center to see what needed to be done then woke up his friend so he could drive him over there. Meanwhile, I had to stay calm while feeding the baby and we all know how good at being calm I am! I rushed into the bathroom to freak out a bit, then collected myself and tried to help any way I could.

Ben went to The Center and got unhooked and checked to make sure his port wasn't blocked. Everything went good there and he was on his way back to the hotel. We had to let the hotel what had happened and instruct them how to get rid of the sheets since now they contained toxic waste! They were very kind and obliging like always and cleaned the rest of the room while they were there.

The rest of the day has been pretty uneventful. We did have the Bishop and 2nd Counselor of the Elder's Quorum come and give Ben a blessing earlier. I don't know if that really helped, but I guess it's a step in the right direction.

Arizona Update:He's 13 Weeks

It's not a very good picture. I took it through the little plastic window of his stroller because he's sleeping and that is so rare and I didn't want to wake him up. I'm officially "that mom". When people ask, "how old is he?" I say, "13 weeks, oh I mean, 3 months." :p Christopher is growing so fast too. He's already outgrown 4 going on five outfits we brought. We bought him a cute one the other day at Target. He gets taken care of most of the day by people here at The Center which is a nice break and allows some alone and nap time for Ben and I. We have people who fight to see who gets to take care of him next and who can put him to sleep fastest. Today we had another baby come in, but Christopher was WAY cuter and more cuddly. Plus that baby was five or six months old.

Every day here feels like an eternity. People walk by and always say how fast the baby will grow up and how we'll long for the baby days again. It doesn't feel fast and I will have wished we just had the baby days...period!

Ben's hooked up to his chemo pump that he carries everywhere with him and he's started his radiation. The effects are starting to come around and it's very scary for me to watch. He gets sick and tired very easily even though he won't admit it. I'm not used to him being sick and it's frustrating having to sit back and let it happen to him since there's nothing I can do to make it better. I try and let him get enough sleep. I take care of the baby through the night so he doesn't have to (except this morning...baby was VERY fussy). Ben took his first shower with the pump and it was very frustrating for him. He's got to keep his port area dry and keep water from getting into the I.V. hook-up thingys. AND he's got to have this bag hanging from the curtain rod with his death liquid tube and try to not have that thing tangle!

It's only Day 3 of radiation treatment out of 28 and I feel that I won't make it much less Ben. It's especially difficult because I can't really hug Ben for fear of hurting him where his port is or tugging on his tubing! And we're bed cuddlers and that's hard to do now too. We both used to wake up in the middle of the night together just because we're conditioned from when I was pregnant, but now I'm up by myself and it's lonely.

Arizona Update:Is This Thing On?!

I understand that for a lot of you that might be reading this blog that this whole cancer thing might be a bit over-whelming. And I guess I understand that it might be difficult to think of something to say, but on this end, on Ben and my end, it's really lonely. To continue to write day after day and go through everything we go through day after day and still not hear a so much as a "hey, how's it going?" is more than a bit lonely. We've heard from a few people and to those few, thank you. Your words, whatever and whenever they are, are helpful. It doesn't take much. We just need to know you're out there...that you care...that you're concerned and love us. It's very hard being here with no family, no close friends (except the new ones we have to make to stay sane at The Center). I understand if you don't know how it is and don't what to say, but Ben really needs to know his family is there for him and that they care. I know you do, you just may not know how to express it. That's ok, just say that. We understand. Trust me.