Out With The Young In With The Old

These aren't my hands, but they're getting there. I'm not old per say, I'm only 36 but I've been through a lot that has seemed to age me. And when I look at my hands and fingers in particular, I see my mother's "old" hands. I see how the skin isn't as taut as it used to be. I have the looser-feeling skin of my grandmother's hands. I can pinch skin where I couldn't before!

I look back at my life and think, "What do I have to show for my years so far?" I have a marriage that has survived Hell and is still crawling back from that war with all its wounds and scars both physical and emotional. I have my miracle baby; my beautiful, fun, silly, loving son that we were blessed with after several miscarriages. I have loads of worthy and unworthy Worldly knowledge that both hinders and helps me, but I still feel tainted from it all. I have loving and sometimes frustrating spiritual knowledge that has gotten me through some of my toughest moments and gives me the ability to help others through theirs. I've got tons of stuff, most of which I try to unload on a seasonal basis.

But is all of this enough? Is it too much? I don't know. With my current and ongoing mini trials, I feel there is so much more out there waiting for me; but I can't get to it. I know I must be trying to rush things (I always have it seems). I've always been in a rush to grow up, experience Life, make things happen. I want to have certain aspects of my life to be completed and others to get started. I'm sounding like I'm an impatient person, and I suppose I am. I can feel things coming, hiding around a corner waiting for me. But I don't like surprises. Never have. I used to love and live for the unexpected and change, now I would like everything mapped out to the "T" so I can plan. But I can't plan for life, I just have to sit here waiting for it to happen to me. Not a good attitude, I know, but I'm scared. I'm scared that the things I have hoped for won't come to pass. I'm scared some new life experience is going to knock me off my feet and hold me down with a force so strong I won't be able to get back up again. I've been down there and I don't like it. I know I got up eventually, I overcame, but it's scary.

I don't mind getting older, in fact I'm excited for it. I just hope all the things I plan grow older with me.

What's New in My Own Little World

I have been accused of living in my own little world, but I wonder; who doesn't? I mean, if your life isn't completely dedicated to someone or something else, aren't you concerning yourself with your own little world? Besides, what's so wrong with living in your own world for a while, even a long while? Sometimes I need to do that so I can step away, gather my thoughts, and shake out the things that make my life not a happy one.

So, what's new in my little world? The teenager in me wants to respond, "EVERYTHING!" but I'm not sure that's the wrong answer.

I had plans all laid out for the next 5 years. I even prayed about them, but they ended up changing on me anyway. School is my big item right now. I had plans of going through the Bachelor's program at University of Phoenix with hopes of learning how to be a teacher to my pride and joy. That's not going to happen. I'm struggling with finishing up the Associate's program and trying to figure out what and where to go next!

I'm also having to teach myself things, skills I thought I already had down just to find out now that I was wrong. Eating has been a constant battle, but I think I'm set with that road for a while, at least. But I'm having to teach myself about shopping. I inherited the shop-therapy gene which I've been trying to recover from, but as I'm doing so I find I don't know how to shop at all!

The way I learned to shop was to find a store and brand and stick with them! Not to look at prices so much, but think of a higher price equal to higher quality. I used to think I was a bargain shopper until we had no money and I found out I overspent by hundreds of dollars.

Being poor, and I mean really, truly with not enough money to honestly support ourselves so we have to rely on the Lord to live kind of poor, has taught me first that I had a problem, and second how to try and deal with that problem. I've also learned about what was THE MOST important thing to me: my family, our happiness, my faith.

I have learned, am still learning, that stuff does NOT matter. Not the house, not the car, not a whole lot of things. I have the urge to purge like nobody's business just so I can start from scratch and learn what I really NEED rather than what I want. That's almost not plausible but I'm going around my house, my life re-evaluating EVERYTHING. Even though we have a tight budget, I'm learning there are more ways we could be doing better.

I'm also learning that this lifestyle is not as bad as I had once thought it to be. Sure, it's tough sometimes especially when I try and compare my life to others, but I think I'm actually getting something out of this particular trial this time. I'm hoping to carry the lessons learned throughout my entire life and pass those along to my children instead of stuff and debt. Though these lessons are hard, I'm learning to be free, whether in my own little world or out there in yours, and I'm okay with that. 

Fallen Angels

Currently there are three little girls (and one currently in a coma) and two families who loved them that have gone back to their Father in Heaven. These families are in need of your prayers and support. Please visit this site for more information on how you can help. Thank you.

I've Had A Bad Day

Have you ever had one of "those" days? Yeah, me too. It's just some of "those" days happen more than I'd like to acknowledge or come too soon after the last one that it's been difficult to recover as quickly as I would like. So it's been kinda hard to keep a smile on my face during adversities and to be a good example to those around me (although I'm not sure about ever being a good example. lol).

Sometimes I like to whine too much about these days or because I'm so overwhelmed I make them into something more than they are (but I bet you haven't experienced anything like that. lol). For example, I am trying to be more self-reliant by taking hold of my life and the things in it and taking responsibility for the every day things most people (including myself) take for granted. But it's really difficult when I see others skating by and taking advantage and doing so, easily! OR if when I am readying myself for another leap of faith toward my self-reliant goal, God decides to push me off the ledge because He thinks I'm more ready than I do. Those times are the most difficult.

So, if you ask me I'm doing, or how's my day going, just know it's been hard lately and I'm trying to smile through it all but I'm probably going to go cry in the bathroom for a while until I can release enough stress to move forward.

I QUIT! (but in a good way)

I am so frustrated with trying to keep up with other people's idea of how things should be! From diets, food, eating, and exercise to how to raise my kid, teach my kid, make my marriage successful, people always have an opinion and somehow mine doesn't jive.

I QUIT!!!

I am just learning about the way I eat and why (kind of sad because I'm almost 36 years old).

I'm just finding out what foods I do and don't like (like I really don't like M&Ms or apple pie. Sacrilege? Maybe, but that's how I roll).

 I've understood my body better than any doctor (or friend or well-meaning passerby-er) and so instead of trying new things that don't seem to work, I will go back to the old things that worked in the past and seem to be doing just fine currently.

I am with my kid 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and I'm pretty sure I understand as much as I'm going to right now. There are always going to be things that perplex me, but I know I will learn just as he is learning.

I don't have the world's greatest love affair, but I work at it every day. I don't need to hear how your new-fangled idea you read about on Pinterest is making your married life better and how I should try it out. I'm glad it works for you, but it's just not for us, and that's okay.

I QUIT!!!

I'm not looking at people and wishing I had whatever they have. My motivation for my desired body shape is something I once had and feel I can get back to. This does not involve my legs being the same width as my forearms, but something I feel is attainable and healthy.

I QUIT!!!

I'm currently trying to achieve a simplistic lifestyle...comfortable but simple. I don't have the need for big and fancy. I have the need for simple and easy. I don't need the kitchen appliance most believe is the sign of true wealth and ease. I use a wooden spoon (or my hands) and a bowl I've had in my family since 20 years before I was born!

I'm quitting (notice I haven't reached my full potential quite yet) the world's view of what is good, better, best and becoming more self-sufficient (and defining that for myself). I'm trusting more on the Lord instead of others that may not care for me as much as He does. I go to my knees for answers instead of the Internet. I trust in myself and my abilities and gifts from God more than I can or should people who don't even know me, but really, really like the thing I "pinned" today.

I still like the modern things of the world, but I am learning the meaning of "all things in moderation" and "self-sufficiency" and what those mean to me.

April THE Dress: All zipped up!

This is me in THE dress for the month of April.

                                                         Still not the most flattering of dresses...YET!

BUT I was able to zip it all the way up!! I haven't been able to zip this up since my wedding day! But here I am, all zipped up! :)

For the Love of Food

Despite my size, I am not a lover of food. In fact, I kind of hate food. When I eat I barely notice the taste, in fact over the past few years I've noticed more texture than flavor. When I eat I try to get the task done as soon as possible rarely savoring the food.

But now I have been given a different way of thinking and a new outlook on the whole eating thing. I am having to learn to eat without judgement or anyone else's food or eating issues but mine. You may think that sounds crazy but most people don't realize the problems they have with food.

Right now I'm acknowledging my issues, confronting, and conquering them...slowly but surely.