Pure Love

I'm no exemplary mother or wife. I don't come out of trials of faith beaming. I'm pretty much the key example of what not to do when hard times come. Case in point...

I'm still reeling over my husband's illnesses that occurred about 3 years ago. Not only did he have cancer but he had necrotizing fasciitis that killed him, once. I am so traumatized by all of that, that I have episodes that have happened recently where I'll be sitting on the sofa watching a show with my husband and totally not realize I'm at home. For me, I'm at the hospital sitting in a cold chair in a cold room trying to convince myself that watching TV for four hours is beneficial to my husband who's lying there finally sleeping because he can't rest all day until I come to visit. Most of my husband's 3 month stay in the hospital was like that. I would drop my newborn off at a different person's house each day for 5 or 6 hours. Drive like a madwoman to the hospital to sit there with a near comatose man who was slipping away, and watch television. He was so bad off that I made him make 24-hour pacts with me to fight to stay alive...because he didn't want to. And who could blame him, really? He was going through extreme amounts of pain most people could not survive. His illness was one that only 10% of people who are diagnosed with necro fasc have and less than 1% survive. And for good reason. It eats through people from the inside out. You aren't supposed to live through that!

I contemplated suicide EVERY SINGLE DAY. I thought, "Why should I go on when he doesn't want to? How am I going to live if he doesn't?" We had only been married 4 years. We had gone through 3 miscarriages together and finally had our miracle baby. Life was looking up...until. The only reason for my living? I want to tell you it was because I knew that despite all my pain, all our troubles, I knew my Father in Heaven loved and cared for me and that it was all going to work out in my favor. But I can't. The one and only reason I am still alive is because of...

him. With post-partum depression baring down on me on top of situational depression, I was marked for death. If I didn't have my little son to come home to I would have died.

After my husband came home from the hospital, I left my faith. I was so angry so hurt by God. How could I bow my head and pray to the one who made this all happen. It has taken me nearly the entire three years to finally realize I did have Him with me. I know just a bit more of the love Heavenly Father and His Son have for me personally every single day because of my son. I love my son like nobody's business! I mean how could you not with a face like that?! :) I love my son with such an undying love that I even surprise myself with the extent of it all. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have a similar love for me, but I know they love me more than I know or could ever comprehend. How do I know? Because that's exactly how I feel about my son.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband with a passion I never knew I could for anyone that I would live with 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I couldn't love my cat that way, how could I for a person?! My husband is an amazing man, and amazing husband, and an amazing and wonderful father. But people can, have, and do "fall out of love" with spouses but I don't think I know of one person who has been able to truly un-love their own child. You can be angry or hurt or disappointed my your kids, but you will always love them in that special and sacred way. This is how I know I am loved. This is how I know we all are loved.

I've just discovered a little bit more about the Pure Love of Christ and wanted to share with you what I now know. Because with all the anger and hurt and disappoint in the world, isn't nice that you are loved no matter what? I think so.

Be Still My Soul

I think the sound of the ocean is that of the Earth breathing, and those drawn to it are immediately called to answer its plea:

be still.

When I find myself at the water's edge it is difficult to leave. The wind, the air, the calm all keeping my feet right where they are and my mind centered on a universal sound. I realize not everyone feels the same way I do about ocean (or any large body of water) as I do. I know people that could care less about their proximity to the water, but it sounds so unreal! How could you live without being near the water?! How do you not hear and feel serenity and peace standing there? How is it you do not stand in reverent awe when, from the beach, you spot a pod of whales or dolphins?

I'm not going to give you a Save the Whales speech or go into my beliefs on global warming. My thoughts are more focused on the Savior today and His message: be still. I hear this when my tempest is raging or even if my blood pressure is rising. It is a constant stream of thought throughout my hectic day. This is how I know He hears me and knows me.

 I can go to the temple and feel a sort of loud peace, if you can imagine it. When I'm at the temple I feel I have so much work to do and so much to receive that I am bombarded with messages and promptings, but at the ocean I feel and hear just one message, one prompting: be still. Don't get me wrong! The temple is a wonderful and beautiful place filled with peace and joy and love, it's just that for me it's filled with work (I'm kind of a lazy person) and to-do lists. I go to the temple with a purpose and task. I go to the ocean just to be.

I'm sure you hear something, sometime. I know there's a place you go to feel peace and to be still. Go there, if you can, even if it's only in your mind for now. There's a message waiting for you there: be still.

Out With The Young In With The Old

These aren't my hands, but they're getting there. I'm not old per say, I'm only 36 but I've been through a lot that has seemed to age me. And when I look at my hands and fingers in particular, I see my mother's "old" hands. I see how the skin isn't as taut as it used to be. I have the looser-feeling skin of my grandmother's hands. I can pinch skin where I couldn't before!

I look back at my life and think, "What do I have to show for my years so far?" I have a marriage that has survived Hell and is still crawling back from that war with all its wounds and scars both physical and emotional. I have my miracle baby; my beautiful, fun, silly, loving son that we were blessed with after several miscarriages. I have loads of worthy and unworthy Worldly knowledge that both hinders and helps me, but I still feel tainted from it all. I have loving and sometimes frustrating spiritual knowledge that has gotten me through some of my toughest moments and gives me the ability to help others through theirs. I've got tons of stuff, most of which I try to unload on a seasonal basis.

But is all of this enough? Is it too much? I don't know. With my current and ongoing mini trials, I feel there is so much more out there waiting for me; but I can't get to it. I know I must be trying to rush things (I always have it seems). I've always been in a rush to grow up, experience Life, make things happen. I want to have certain aspects of my life to be completed and others to get started. I'm sounding like I'm an impatient person, and I suppose I am. I can feel things coming, hiding around a corner waiting for me. But I don't like surprises. Never have. I used to love and live for the unexpected and change, now I would like everything mapped out to the "T" so I can plan. But I can't plan for life, I just have to sit here waiting for it to happen to me. Not a good attitude, I know, but I'm scared. I'm scared that the things I have hoped for won't come to pass. I'm scared some new life experience is going to knock me off my feet and hold me down with a force so strong I won't be able to get back up again. I've been down there and I don't like it. I know I got up eventually, I overcame, but it's scary.

I don't mind getting older, in fact I'm excited for it. I just hope all the things I plan grow older with me.

What's New in My Own Little World

I have been accused of living in my own little world, but I wonder; who doesn't? I mean, if your life isn't completely dedicated to someone or something else, aren't you concerning yourself with your own little world? Besides, what's so wrong with living in your own world for a while, even a long while? Sometimes I need to do that so I can step away, gather my thoughts, and shake out the things that make my life not a happy one.

So, what's new in my little world? The teenager in me wants to respond, "EVERYTHING!" but I'm not sure that's the wrong answer.

I had plans all laid out for the next 5 years. I even prayed about them, but they ended up changing on me anyway. School is my big item right now. I had plans of going through the Bachelor's program at University of Phoenix with hopes of learning how to be a teacher to my pride and joy. That's not going to happen. I'm struggling with finishing up the Associate's program and trying to figure out what and where to go next!

I'm also having to teach myself things, skills I thought I already had down just to find out now that I was wrong. Eating has been a constant battle, but I think I'm set with that road for a while, at least. But I'm having to teach myself about shopping. I inherited the shop-therapy gene which I've been trying to recover from, but as I'm doing so I find I don't know how to shop at all!

The way I learned to shop was to find a store and brand and stick with them! Not to look at prices so much, but think of a higher price equal to higher quality. I used to think I was a bargain shopper until we had no money and I found out I overspent by hundreds of dollars.

Being poor, and I mean really, truly with not enough money to honestly support ourselves so we have to rely on the Lord to live kind of poor, has taught me first that I had a problem, and second how to try and deal with that problem. I've also learned about what was THE MOST important thing to me: my family, our happiness, my faith.

I have learned, am still learning, that stuff does NOT matter. Not the house, not the car, not a whole lot of things. I have the urge to purge like nobody's business just so I can start from scratch and learn what I really NEED rather than what I want. That's almost not plausible but I'm going around my house, my life re-evaluating EVERYTHING. Even though we have a tight budget, I'm learning there are more ways we could be doing better.

I'm also learning that this lifestyle is not as bad as I had once thought it to be. Sure, it's tough sometimes especially when I try and compare my life to others, but I think I'm actually getting something out of this particular trial this time. I'm hoping to carry the lessons learned throughout my entire life and pass those along to my children instead of stuff and debt. Though these lessons are hard, I'm learning to be free, whether in my own little world or out there in yours, and I'm okay with that. 

Fallen Angels

Currently there are three little girls (and one currently in a coma) and two families who loved them that have gone back to their Father in Heaven. These families are in need of your prayers and support. Please visit this site for more information on how you can help. Thank you.

I've Had A Bad Day

Have you ever had one of "those" days? Yeah, me too. It's just some of "those" days happen more than I'd like to acknowledge or come too soon after the last one that it's been difficult to recover as quickly as I would like. So it's been kinda hard to keep a smile on my face during adversities and to be a good example to those around me (although I'm not sure about ever being a good example. lol).

Sometimes I like to whine too much about these days or because I'm so overwhelmed I make them into something more than they are (but I bet you haven't experienced anything like that. lol). For example, I am trying to be more self-reliant by taking hold of my life and the things in it and taking responsibility for the every day things most people (including myself) take for granted. But it's really difficult when I see others skating by and taking advantage and doing so, easily! OR if when I am readying myself for another leap of faith toward my self-reliant goal, God decides to push me off the ledge because He thinks I'm more ready than I do. Those times are the most difficult.

So, if you ask me I'm doing, or how's my day going, just know it's been hard lately and I'm trying to smile through it all but I'm probably going to go cry in the bathroom for a while until I can release enough stress to move forward.

I QUIT! (but in a good way)

I am so frustrated with trying to keep up with other people's idea of how things should be! From diets, food, eating, and exercise to how to raise my kid, teach my kid, make my marriage successful, people always have an opinion and somehow mine doesn't jive.

I QUIT!!!

I am just learning about the way I eat and why (kind of sad because I'm almost 36 years old).

I'm just finding out what foods I do and don't like (like I really don't like M&Ms or apple pie. Sacrilege? Maybe, but that's how I roll).

 I've understood my body better than any doctor (or friend or well-meaning passerby-er) and so instead of trying new things that don't seem to work, I will go back to the old things that worked in the past and seem to be doing just fine currently.

I am with my kid 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and I'm pretty sure I understand as much as I'm going to right now. There are always going to be things that perplex me, but I know I will learn just as he is learning.

I don't have the world's greatest love affair, but I work at it every day. I don't need to hear how your new-fangled idea you read about on Pinterest is making your married life better and how I should try it out. I'm glad it works for you, but it's just not for us, and that's okay.

I QUIT!!!

I'm not looking at people and wishing I had whatever they have. My motivation for my desired body shape is something I once had and feel I can get back to. This does not involve my legs being the same width as my forearms, but something I feel is attainable and healthy.

I QUIT!!!

I'm currently trying to achieve a simplistic lifestyle...comfortable but simple. I don't have the need for big and fancy. I have the need for simple and easy. I don't need the kitchen appliance most believe is the sign of true wealth and ease. I use a wooden spoon (or my hands) and a bowl I've had in my family since 20 years before I was born!

I'm quitting (notice I haven't reached my full potential quite yet) the world's view of what is good, better, best and becoming more self-sufficient (and defining that for myself). I'm trusting more on the Lord instead of others that may not care for me as much as He does. I go to my knees for answers instead of the Internet. I trust in myself and my abilities and gifts from God more than I can or should people who don't even know me, but really, really like the thing I "pinned" today.

I still like the modern things of the world, but I am learning the meaning of "all things in moderation" and "self-sufficiency" and what those mean to me.