*@DD*iC#TeD!

I am TOTALLY addicted to Christopher!! He is SO cute and sweet and silly! There are times when I can't stand him (usually when he won't sleep and I am really tired.) He is my reason for smiling and laughing nowadays. If he sleeps a little longer in the morning than he usually does, I get anxious and can't wait until he wakes to hold him. I know I am a "helicopter mom" but for right now, I'm okay with that! After having several miscarriages and a difficult pregnancy and the very real possibility of not being able to have any more children, this is the fate my poor Christopher will have to endure. I will be the best parent I can be despite this handicap.

I'm not perfect at the "love" thing with Christopher, though. I feel all three of us were cheated out of just experiencing being a family early on with the cancer and subsequent necrotizing fasciitis, that I wasn't able to give Christopher the complete love he needed and deserved right off. It took me six months for the PPD (Post-Partum Depression) to wear off and for me to honestly say "I love you" to him. Of course I loved him, but the struggles that were occurring, I, at times, resented him being around or at least being so difficult. It makes me sad to admit that, but it was the truth. Not until I had to seriously consider that it would be just Christopher and I because Ben was not going to make it through the necro fasc did I open my eyes and cling to my baby. Knowing that I could very well lose the love of my life and Christopher would never get to know his father I tried to start making up for all the time I skipped over hugging and loving opportunities.

I knew I would have to be both parents, but I still hoped and prayed that would never happen. I forced my into the hospital with Christopher so that he would have time with his father (even if he would never remember those moments.) I wanted to give Ben reasons to keep fighting and not give up. And if he didn't make it, he could still have the memories of his son with him and I could keep them with me.

Thankfully, we didn't have to cross that bridge but the scars are still there. I am addicted to Christopher now because he was all I had in the world, MY world, for that time. We clung to each other and I'm afraid I am still clinging.