Balance

    

     You wouldn't know it if you have read my blog, but I used to be a fairly happy person. This has been sort of an unfair representation of me since I started this blog in the middle of turmoil. But, maybe it is the true me. I have not been without major trauma for very long. That may sound melodramatic but it's true. I had a rough life as a youth, some things my fault some not. Through it all I was able to find some kind of balance...except for these past few years.
  
     I have come to realize my weaknesses and faults. I have also have come to terms with them and acknowledged what and maybe even why they are, and I'm okay with that. Being okay with not being perfect has been a lifelong journey for me. I once read that perfectionism is the highest form of self-abuse. I believe that but I don't practice it.

    I believe part of finding my balance is coming to the understanding that's it's okay to have weaknesses and faults. It's okay to be angry, hurt, embarrassed, because it's normal, EVERYBODY feels that way sometimes. I have never let it be okay to feel anything but happy and that in turn has made me a very angry person. Ironic isn't it? The one thing I strive to be is the one thing I haven't been able to achieve. I realized I cannot be happy and angry at the same time because good and bad cannot exist at the same time. One is there to recognize the other.

     I am not at optimum balance as of yet, but I can finally feel the right path under my feet. I can feel and not just see the light at the end of my dark, emotional tunnel. I know I will have other trials and episodes that will test my fortitude and I know that I will probably show weakness during those times. But it's okay, it's normal. I finally give myself permission to feel those feelings and acknowledge that they are there. I'm finally ready to move on. I'm finding my balance.