Keeping it to Myself...sort of...

I've discovered something very frustrating that I must change how I feel about it...

I have mentioned several times in my life about how frustrating and lonely I am because I must do many things without any help or companion to be with me.

Well, I must amend that statement in two ways.

The first amendment is, that it is not in some or even many ways I must do things alone but in ALL ways. EVERY single aspect in my life must be gotten through without any help of a worldly nature whatsoever. No people or persons must I or can I rely on in any way, shape or form.

My second amendment is, while I may not have the assistance of my peers I DO have all and ANY help from my Heavenly Family and Friends.

The weakness I must overcome in this circumstance is realizing the assistance offered and given is FAR BETTER than that of any worldly being. I need to be grateful beyond measure that I don't have to rely on the faults of Man to help me with my mortal journey. I have the unfailing assistance from Above, from those who know all and can and will bestow that knowledge to me what needed and asked for.

My human nature is to be upset because this falls under the "health" umbrella for me as well. With Man's ideas and techniques, if I fail I can blame them for knowing enough about me and my body to make it work. BUT when I have Heaven on my side, the only one to blame for failure is myself.

So, here I go, starting on a seemingly slow path to health (again). But this time there is no group therapy, no blog followers (I see the irony here), or Facebook friends, not even my husband. Although, ever so often I have the gentle reminder of my Heavenly Human example of my five-year-old son, to show me how to eat and play to get and stay healthy.

So this time, don't wish me luck, please pray for me...

Trial By Fire...Again!

Trial by fire. This seems to be the only way to teach me. I nearly always learn "the Hard Way".

So much the same, just with different actors playing the same parts--only better. Except me. I'm still playing the same part with little variation.
What am I doing wrong?  What do I have to learn that I didn't before/

I sit here, I lay there...with a man that is my husband, but not. He can't talk like we usually do, not yet. I can't hear his compliments on my new hairstyle or how good I've been doing at my newest venture. No simple chatting about our day or commenting on our favorite TV show.
I just sit here, lay there watching him breathe, counting the breaths, shaking him when it's been too long between them.
He's awake long enough to tell me he hurts, he's nauseous, and that he loves me...and he's sorry. Then he sleeps again.

All of this mingled with train sets and cartoons, pizza and sandwiches, crying and praying.

But what am I supposed to learn?
All pieces to a puzzle. I'm not sure what it's supposed to look like yet. I was never very good at puzzles. I could never see the big picture and how all those pieces were to come together to create the picture on the box.

I feel lost, confused...

I recognize and acknowledge the blessings now that were not then, but I miss him. I miss us.

So please Pray for Ben on Wednesday, September 17th, 2014 at 7pm YOUR time. However you pray or commune with a higher power, please do so for this synchronized session of prayer. We're praying for a miracle! 

To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: Blessings of Being a Convert

**The views and opinions on this post are my own. You may or may not have experienced any or all of the things mentioned here. They are also not limited to those of any particular faith. These are my personal experiences once I became more acquainted with the love of my Father in Heaven.**

I have been blessed in many ways. One of which is to have walking therapy sessions with my very good friend. As we walk up and down the local hills of our neighborhood, we talk about our lives and the things concerning those around us. At times we get real deep in our conversations and it's at these times I start to understand my life more and events within it...

I believe it was two weeks ago when my friend asked me how, as a convert to the Church, I was able to distinguish the promptings of the Holy Ghost and if it felt any different than before I was a member.

I had to think because for me there are distinctions between every day feelings and in the moments when I really needed to out of danger or make the right decision.

It is said that the Spirit talks to us through a burning in our heart and a still small voice. For me, the experience is physical and powerful--it affects my whole body. It literally rocks my soul! Before learning that this feeling came from the Holy Ghost, it would scare me. No one I knew understand what was happening to me when I would try to explain it.

This is one of the blessings of being converted. Once I learned and understood what this was and how to interpret it, my life changed forever! Being a convert has the blessing of knowing what it feels like to be without the Spirit and then have him to be our constant companion.

A Man Travels the World Over...

We recently took a trip across 4 states. Not a whole lot maybe in comparison to some, maybe but a whole lot to a recovering recluse.

I'm originally from California and like a true Californian, I would make fun of anyone that was from anywhere else! So when we left the busy, beautiful, judgmental (don't be offended; you know it's true) California for Small Town, Idaho I had a bit of a culture shock. I'll spare you the details (for now) but visiting the place that I know so intimately was not exactly how I thought it would be...

Before moving to Idaho I would have considered myself a good, normal driver. After moving here, however, I found that I am an aggressive, and overbearing driver! This became even more apparent when visiting California after only a 9 month absence.

This is how I felt about my time in California:

I DEFINITELY felt like Buddy the Elf coming from a happy-go-lucky, smile-loving village visiting a run-you-over, demolition derby, give-you-the-bird, angry-because-it's-over-100-degrees-outside city!


We drove through Nevada to get there, but driving through Nevada means going as fast as you can without getting caught because it's hot and boring and you don't want to fall asleep at the wheel and taking a nap at a rest stop is out of the question. To make the trip home more interesting, we drove through the bottom part of Oregon. I remember Oregon being beautiful and full of friendly memories. And whenever we travel anywhere I always imagine what it would be like to live there...to see how it feels and if I could do it. Ordinarily I would have given an emphatic YES to living in Oregon but this jaunt through the South East part was less inviting, to say the least. Don't get me wrong! Oregon is a great place, just not the place for me.

Coming across that Idaho state border was definitely a welcomed sight!

Could my judgement be skewed because I don't like leaving home and would rather do a Stay-cation rather than go out of my Small Town, USA? Maybe. But I have a cute artsy craft thing I painted long ago that states, "A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it." (George A. Moore) Well, I found "it": Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home!

 

No Pictures, No Frills, Just Struggles and a Cry for Help

Don't ya just HATE it when you're trying to lose weight and get healthy, so you look up online on ways how to do just that; and people are complaining and saying the EXACT same stuff you do, then you click on the link only to read how upset people are at being SO overweight when their version of "overweight" is somewhere around 35 pounds?!?!

Don't get me wrong; I am totally with ya on the weight loss bandwagon and I completely understand the frustration you have when trying to lose ANY weight no matter what your size. BUT when I'm looking for similar gripe stories/solutions to MY weight-loss problem, it all pales in comparison...especially when you need to lose about 100 to 110 pounds to be on the level.

 Thankfully I have several kind and caring friends who are involved in various health programs. The problem lies in the monetary aspect and long-term effects for me. The money is the first STOP sign I get when searching what is right for me on my personal weight-loss journey but the real clincher are the long-term effects. Problem here is that my body is so completely different than anybody elses (truly, I have been told this time and time again by SEVERAL health professionals, trainers, consultants, you name it) that "long-term" just doesn't apply.

What I'm looking for is something that isn't going to make me buy in before I try the theory. I am literally tapped out from trying everything from group therapies (i.e. Weight Watchers) to one-on-one (i.e personal trainers), to meal replacements (ah, just insert any and nearly all of the ones you have ever heard of and a sprinkle of the ones you haven't).

The other, and really the MAIN issue is, I need something that WORKS for someone so utterly messed up hormonally, physically, and mentally as I am! Seriously folks! I have been actually tested by real Doctors that say I have SO MUCH cortisol (the "stress" hormone) in my body that they believe there is NO WAY I will ever successfully lose weight!

HOW. SUCKY. IS. THAT?!

And yet, I still try! How can I not?! Especially when my body hurts, oh HECK my soul hurts from carrying all this weight?!

It has been suggested that I find a motivator that will jump-start my desire. I HAVE desire but I have NO motivator! And believe me I have heard it all. From death to life in agony, from exceeding joy to eternal happiness, yet nothing works in my messed up little head.

Now, I am just tired. Tired of all the work, pain, suffering, ups and downs. I'm tired of trying and failing...every...single...time. ALL of me is tired.

But I still try. Why? Because I'm hoping I will find the answer, the thing that clicks for me and my weird round body. But I'm losing motivation much quicker this time...and I guess...I need help. But I don't know where to get it.

If you offer assistance, please don't be offended if I tell you that yes, indeed I have tried your absolutely-will-not-fail-method-that-works-for-every-body-especially-mine. And in turn I will do my best to simply accept with a genuine heart.

My Feelings Are My Own

To read my blogs and to hear me speak, you might think I keep nothing to myself (except those sacred-not-secret things) but you would be mistaken. Most of what I keep close to my heart are my feelings, my emotions. Those are mine and I only share those with two people: my husband and my son.

Does this sound contradictory? I'm not sure. I hope you would not think me rude or standoffish but I have had to learn to protect myself in many ways and if I am to bare all, sort to speak, on the web I need to put some boundaries up.

As far as the to-share-or-not-to-share, sharing when appropriate and in appropriate ways was something that was advised to me by a church leader long ago. He informed me that the usual stance is not to share too much so as not to seem as boasting, but that I had a story (or several stories) to share and he felt it necessary to open up when the Spirit felt right.

So, here I am on my little blog sharing anything and everything from family to survival, from birth to rebirth. I hope you get something out of my stories because I know I sure got something out of living them!

To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: A convert's story continues...

The Search Continues...

As I begin to think about this post, I remember my near lifelong quest to find religion. I am struck by two main thoughts: One is how young I was when I felt the need to go on my personal religious quest, and Two, how I never once thought there could be no religion, no God. When I was about 15 years old, I talked to my best friend about my search. She blankly and truthfully brought up something I never considered. What if, when we die, there's nothing...just dirt and worms and nothing...

I thought about this concept for a while until I understood what I was thinking and feeling. I felt that this idea was wrong. It didn't make sense to my soul. I just knew something had to be out there, someone waiting for me, to return and report.

My search had several stops and starts. I would either hit a wall or land in a comfortable place before I was mature enough to keep looking. By "mature" I mean, to not give up just because things became difficult or I became lax.

After being told once again I did not belong in yet another faith, I grew distraught. I gave up on Christianity because I thought the reason I was pushed out was because I was in the wrong main faith altogether! I studied Islam where rituals were comforting and familiar. I studied Buddhism of many sorts and found it beautiful and fulfilling. I stayed within the more Eastern religions for a few years. During that time I found myself, somewhat. I found some self-made limitations and learn to conquer most of them. I learned how to be and stay calm. In many ways I found forgiveness that went deeper than I had learned in the past. But I still had the yearning to find exactly where I belonged or a place where everything made sense.

I was at a forum where I heard a great Buddhist leader speaking. It was a chance of a lifetime! One of his main focuses is to bring people of ALL faiths together and show us how we are alike. To bring a sense of community for all mankind. In his opening remarks he acknowledged several faiths by validating each of their religious leaders. One of the last ones he mentioned caught me by surprise. He stated that he knew that Jesus was the Christ.

I heard nothing else. I got up and had to leave (discretely). My whole existence was thrown off! And now I had to start at square one...again!