Arizona Update:Do's and Don'ts

I understand this cancer thing is a bit overwhelming for everybody and quite often you don't know what to do or say. A friend here at The Center who is also going through cancer treatments (she works here too) gave me a little card of "Do's and Don'ts" of "How to be a good friend to a person with cancer" so I will pass it along to you all in hopes that it give some ideas to crack the ice. Some of these things may not apply to this particular situation, but it may help you with others or just later on down the road. You may know these things already and that's good. Then this advice is for those who may be at a loss of what to do or say.

do....

*offer your presence often, be a good listener when they are ready to talk.

*talk about things other than their cancer.

*say,"I love you" and be yourself.

*ask what you can do to help--be sincere and specific so that they know you mean it. If they can't come up with anything, ask again in another week or so.

*use disposable dishware when delivering food to reduce the stress of returning them.

*arrange a phone chain to update friends of their condition, treatment, etc. (Be sure to get approval first.)

*offer to help by driving them to and from appoinments, taking their kids to childcare and doing housecleaning, gardening, cooking, shopping, yard work or babysitting.

*respect how they choose to deal with their cancer.

don't...

*tell them that everything's going to be all right because you don't know.

don't...

*tell them you know how they feel because you probably don't.

don't...

*be afraid to admit that you don't know what to say when you really are at a loss for words.

don't...

*be afraid to touch them, but don't force it either.

don't...

*hesitate to call them or leave them a message to let them know you're thinking of them.

don't...

*avoid the subject of cancer if that's what they want to talk about.

don't...

*be afraid to talk about your life. Just because they're sick it doesn't always mean that they are not interested in hearing about you.

don't...

*discount the real feelings they may be having by telling them no to feel that way, not to worry, not to be scared, or not to cry.

don't...

*share advice unless asked.

don't...

*be afraid to talk about difficult subjects. Ask them how they're feeling.