The Purpose of Denial

**WARNING** This post is going to be filled with platitudes but please don't shy away. This post is really about growing from the experiences of pain and sorrow and moving towards acceptance and peace.

The other day I was reading some training material for volunteers working in hospice. Something that caught my eye was The Purpose of Denial. The purpose? To "give ourselves time to adjust to a new reality."

WOW! Profound! So profound to me that it made me stop and think. I thought about our move, my theme for this year, my fury friend's passing,  pretty much EVERYTHING that has gone on in the past five years...

And I thought about the way I handle it all, the way I push things and thoughts out of my mind in hopes of moving past the situation. But it never works for me! Now I understand why...

I never did this^ I would push past the pain, past the grief so I could hurry on to peace.

I know you must be thinking "but you said you liked moving!" I did! But there was a lot of grief with the move as well. I left my home, my family, my friends. There was stuff (literal stuff) that we had to leave behind because it wouldn't fit in our truck and we only had time and resources for one trip. Leaving behind that stuff was just made worse because of all the other stuff I had to leave. The move was good but it was hard, too!

You may think "well, it's been almost five years. shouldn't you be over all the things that almost happened?" My response to that: NOPE! For some the grieving process is short, for me it's longer. And although there was no actual death, there was certainly deaths of other sorts.

Then there's the cat. "But Blythe, it was just a cat!" If you know me at all you know I have a huge soft spot for animals (and if you don't know me, well then, just hush! :-P ) You may know that I don't deal with Death very well.

Putting all that aside, the heart of the matter has been I never had to adjust to a New Reality before! My life and my situations seemed to stay the same. Nothing ever really changed. Sure, I had lots of things happen to me but the situations and outcomes seemed to always be the same...and then we moved.

The problem with pausing for thought and giving myself Time is that it opens my mind and thoughts to all the other times I didn't do this for myself. Thus the long post...

BUT I'm finally ready for the acceptance stage!

I'm ready to finally turn the page on my life and see what comes next.

Acceptance...

And finally, Peace.

I'm Leaving Funkytown!

I know I've written/talked/bragged about my move to a distant and strange new land, but it has meant the world to me! I was sad to leave special places and friends, but I left behind something that has made me happier than I have been in YEARS!

I have been in such a funk for almost eight years...ever since my first miscarriage. My mood grew steadily worse as the years went by just to finally peak about four years ago (you'll have to start at the beginning of this blog to understand why).

BUT...

Something strange and wonderful has been happening to me ever since we moved to Idaho. I have been feeling more welcomed than I ever have before...

I have been feeling more loved than ever before...

I feel I have more purpose here. I feel something good is going to happen instead of feeling a sense of doom around every corner. I am no longer letting FEAR rule my life!

Now, I'm feeling the love and seeing the promises of my Heavenly Father. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Idaho Update: Slower Pace

When we first moved to Idaho our California friends asked us what we thought of the Slower Pace we were sure to be experiencing. I didn't understand. I wasn't experiencing anything slower than before...except the Internet speed.

But then the Slower Pace hit me like molasses in January!

I finally noticed the Slowness of it all. When we needed to have a few windows replaced on our home, the guy said he would be back to install them "later". Now, in California "later" means within a few hours BUT "later" in Idaho means sometime in the next couple of weeks!

So what I've really come to find out is that people here in Idaho aren't time Nazis like me. (I have several Japanese friends that wouldn't survive here...) Idahoans live in the moment. They don't have locked in schedules (for the most part).

Pretty much the Idahoan time philosophy-------->

I Dreamed A Dream

Do you believe in alternate realities? The jury is still out for me, but I think of one “alternative” life out there if this theory is true.

At the young age of 25 I was offered a job of a lifetime: to be vice president of many up-and-coming franchises, make more money than I have yet to make, be fit, healthy, and admired. But I didn't take it. I left near fame and fortune (no joke) for poverty, poor health, and the most love I have ever felt or given or could have comprehended.

"Why?!" you may ask. Because of all that I gained. I carefully weighed the pros and cons of that situation during the time. I thought long and hard. I prayed and fasted. It came down to this: I could see myself having the life of my would-be employer, and I did not want that. Plus, my employer would have been my sister and we don't get along now (I haven't seen her in 12 years). I was hoping if we worked together, things would be different, but I knew better.

What I received instead of this life was an incredible alternative filled with the most exquisite joy and pain that I wouldn't change for anything! I honestly believe my life is better where I am than where I could be.

As far as that alternate reality, I think of alternate me and what her life is like right now.

She's probably still single (too busy for a relationship, or too hard to have a relationship with). Maybe she's been engaged but she canceled it. She's fit and healthy (the bane of my real life). She's met celebrities, been on TV, in the newspaper, traveled to exotic locales, and...and is probably one of the saddest people you have ever met. Sad because she probably isn't going to church (one of THE things that brings me joy). She probably isn't very close to her Heavenly Father, at least not as much as she would like to be. She may even have the better relationship with her sister, but it's still not quite the one she was hoping for (due to personal reasons).

Why do I paint such a sad picture? How do I know it would be so bad? I've lived a part of this life in my reality. I sampled this one for a short while and found it extremely difficult to live in the environment I would have been. And most convincing was the personal revelations and affirmations from God that showed me just about everything my life would have been.

When I think about Alternate Me, the song, I Dreamed A Dream from Les Miserables enters my mind.

   I dreamed a dream in time gone by, When hope was high and life worth living

   Then I was young and unafraid, And dreams were made and used and wasted

   There was no ransom to be paid, No song unsung, no wine untasted

 

   I had a dream my life would be, So different from this hell I'm living

   So different now from what it seems, Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

Now, instead of living the Miserable life, I seem to be living something more like the Muppets...kind of crazy, some big turmoil in the middle, then ending happier than ever hoped for.

Finding the Blessing Amid the Sorrow

Our family has been through some hard times and we even have some scars to prove it, but there's a gift that I have sadly taken for granted for these past few precious years...

Ever since Ben was diagnosed with stage 3 colorectal cancer, we have been blessed. He has been home with us every single day, excluding time spent in the hospital. But once he was home he was home for good.

Yes, we have had to accept Social Security. I'm not terribly ashamed of this since I put in nearly 20 years of work before all of this happened. I paid my dues, sort to speak. But instead of feeling ashamed, I feel blessed for this rare opportunity.

He will be off to school in the Fall and beyond that, hopefully a career. So we will only have another nine special months left of being together 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It's all our son has ever known. I don't know how Christopher will respond. So many big changes in only a year's time; a huge move, dad gone for most of the day, and finding himself at school, too!

As for me? I'm not sure. I have started some volunteer ventures that I hope to last for some time, but I am sure to find myself home alone. I won't know what to do with myself. But as for now, I will notice and accept the gifts my Father in Heaven has put before me this holiday season.

Learning How to Let Go

Letting go  is not my forte. In fact, I don't I have ever successfully let go. This seems to be a lifelong pursuit fro me. But unlike my other attempts, I am determined to reach my goal this year!

I have been praying for guidance and I have been blessed to get my first step:

Notice AND Accept

Borrowing a page out of Merrilee Boyack's book where she mentions Caring Plus Response when doing service. Notice and Accept is supposed to work in a very similar way for me. See, one of my lifelong personally achievements is finding and feeling true love.

One sure-fire way of finding love is noticing it! I'm not very good at it, though. I don't often rightfully acknowledge peoples' attempts to show their love often because I only truly understand the love I have accepted.

Which leads me to the other part: Accept. Obviously I'm not even close to perfect on this part. But I can see what I have to do. If you know of any goods ways to help me with my goal, I'd be willing to listen.

♪♪ So You Say You Want a Resolution ♪♪

I know those aren't the words to the Beatles song, but crazy as it seems, the idea of New Year's resolutions has been on my mind lately.

I know you must think I'm crazy because it's not even Christmas yet, but hear me out.

I don't like to make resolutions. I don't feel like I have a clean slate that's been wiped by a single day. To me, New Year's Day is just like any other day ending in "Y". Yes, I am a person with no real love for the major winter holiday season but the feeling I have toward New Year's is not apathy, it's reality.

See, I don't like to start things on January 1st just to have forgotten my one goal for the year. That's the other thing: my mind is too busy to have just one goal in mind and pretty much one way to get there. Sure, losing weight is an awesome goal, I've set that one many times. But I want my resolution of sorts to have movement, to ebb and flow with my life. My life doesn't just have the same things in it every day. Something new comes up almost hourly!

So a few years ago I remembered what a good friend did one year when we were all in college and trying to figure out life, did. Her name is Christina and she had the summer off to do whatever she wanted and what she wanted to do was focus on her needs and wants. That may sound selfish, but Christina is the kind of woman who will put others needs before her own without realizing it, until she is completely spent and burnt out. So she called it the "Summer of Christina" and she cut out the letters S.O.C. and stuck them on her mirror so she would remember her goal that summer.

Then I heard yet another friend give a speech on how to better ourselves. His name is Ron and he suggested we "do a little more". When giving service, "do a little more". When working on YOU, "do a little more". When desiring to come closer to Christ, "do a little more".

So I combined the two ideas!

While still in the throes of all that has happened to our little fam, I knew I needed to do something to keep it together: mind, body, and soul. And not just my family's but mine as well. In fact, this was my main focus to staying in one piece! So, I took Ron's advice and made my whole year's focus on doing a little more. Whether it was temporal or spiritual, I did a little more. I didn't do everything, I simply did a little more. And I did that all year long.

By year's end, I wasn't perfect or complete just yet, but I could definitely feel myself getting there! That was the year 2012. For 2013, keeping the Whole Year Theme idea alive, I had another self-improvement theme: Stretch. I was to stretch outside of my comfort zone. To stretch further in my responsibilities at home, at church, with friends, with my community. Anything that needed stretching, I did it...or at least had to try!

And you know what? IT WORKED! I used to not leave my home without a panic attack, so I left as little as possible...until I stretched. Soon, I was leaving on my own and doing things just for me. I even joined the most awesome Zumba group ever! The rewards were too much to count! And then I did the biggest stretch to date: I moved to another state...in a loaded car...cat, dog, kid, and me....ALL, BY, MYSELF! (My husband took the moving van earlier the day before). If you were to tell me January 1st that I was going to do any of that much less ALL of it, not only would I not believe you, but I would have crumpled into a ball and have sworn NEVER to leave my house again!

So my point. The entire reason for writing this post. To let you in on next year's theme!

Let Go.

I want to be happy again. I want to enjoy the happy events that keep happening to me, and I think the only way to do that is for me to Let Go! So that's what I'm going to attempt for next year. Like complete weight loss I have never succeeded in letting go before, but hey, I never drove 14 hours across three states to a new home and life before either...

Want to join me? Want to share your ideas and thoughts? You can even hitch a ride on my crazy train and try doing all three this year!