Start of a New Day

I sometimes live my life by words of affirmation; either ones I have read or ones I come up with myself. My current philosophy is not to live by constantly "picking up the pieces". I find it both simpler and more difficult to just redefine myself. Instead of constantly trying to find the broken parts of me and figuring out how to put them back together, I am taking what is left after the pieces fall and molding a newer, better (hopefully) person. I'm still me, but my goal is to grow after being in "the refiner's fire". A sort of phoenix rising out of the ashes if you will. And that leads me to my new adventure!

I was planning on keeping it to myself and Ben (you know, in case I fail) but that doesn't feel like the right thing to do at this time...at least not with this.

I have decided to finally go back to school and finish what I started. Except this time I have a plan, an objective, a goal. I know I have to start at the beginning essentially, but that's okay. My family has always said I would be a good teacher and that's what I intend on doing. I have had secret desires to teach for a while now and with the past couple of year's events and with much planning, I believe this is what has been set in front of me to complete. Several things have fallen into place to make this happen and I hope they continue to do so.

I am finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel! I know that I/we are not even close to the end of our ongoing trials, but rather I see the light of hope that our burdens are starting to lighten and doors are slowly opening. There aren't any definite things as far as Ben and his health are concerned, BUT there is opportunity where there was none before! To me, this is more than exciting, it's uplifting! For a while, hope was a four-letter word for me. Now, it feels like something I can hold on to and not be afraid.

Please send well-wishes to me and my family as we all try this new path to recovery in its many forms. We're gonna need it!

WE are Family

Our family has changed a lot since this photo was taken a little over a year ago. Since then, I have learned to love our little family more than I thought ever possible. I learned more than I wanted to. I definitely haven't learned it all...yet! I know there is SO much more to come our way. I've always been a sucker for knowledge, well I guess I got what was coming to me huh?!

But I miss it. I miss what I had thought we were heading for: a life filled with wonder and amazement and frustration all from being new parents. I miss those precious first few months of Christopher's new life. Those months instead of being full of sleepless nights and joys of parenthood were tainted by sickness, stress and death. The following months didn't get any better, they got worse. I know we can never get those back or start again. I know all I can do is learn from it all and move on. But I'm having trouble with that last part. I'm stuck. I'm wounded. I am working on all that right now, but it's a long and painful process. There are feelings and emotions I haven't yet let myself go through, but I know I have to in order to get past this.

With Ben there is still much to do and it seems I am the only one that can get them done, or at least the ball rolling. I'm not sure I am ready but the time has come. I'm scared and I'm lonely. I'm reading MAKING SENSE OF SUFFERING and I am currently clinging to a quote from it: "Suffering places us behind a door and hides us somewhat from the view of others. The privacy allows adjustment, renewal and transformation. The fortunate interruption allows us to break old chains. When we emerge, we need not put them back on....Friends and loved ones will be quietly relieved that the pain recreated us." This last part is helping me not be so angry.

I don't know why I am writing all this. I guess I'm hoping that I can just vent enough to keep breathing. Also to let people know that we are still here. We're just trying to recuperate so we can join the human race again.

False Alarm!!

AAAAHHHHH!!!! What's the saying? "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." Not until this moment did I realize that "Hell" is meant for the person(s) that the "intentions" were intended for!

We were generously offered this pie-in-the-sky offer that we thought was carefully and meticulously thought through, otherwise why would such an offer exist?!

So, if you don't quite catch my drift with my vague metaphors, let me spell it out. We are NOT moving as of yet.

So, I guess a "hurray!" is in order considering the chance we actually might get to keep the home we worked so hard to get. It's just the roller coaster of emotions that we have gone through these past few weeks has been crazy to say the least...maybe taxing is a better word.

It seems the safe route for me right now is to live on a month-by-month basis because anything we have now this month can all be taken away next month. At least that's how it has been working out.

So, sorry for the confusion, sorry for the upset...I didn't mean harm by any of it. I really thought this was the end of this particular chapter of our lives, but there seems to be an appendices.

Another Statistic

So, with all the stuff we have done we are now set to become another statistic. We fought hard through our trials since being married; all of the miscarriages, job loss, home searches and even cancer. But we have lost the battle of our home. We have been struggling to make ends meet for some time and gotten assistance through church and family. But with Ben's pending health issues and the uncertainty of income prospects, we have given up on our home here. We have, thankfully, a very generous offer from my folks and we will be moving up near them in the next few months.

Like most people in similar situations, we did not go into this with the intent of just abandoning our home. On the contrary! We were always in the middle of a home project and became "weekend warriors" with regards to that fact. We even planned well when we bought our home, making sure we were not biting off more than we could chew. We had set in place nearly six months worth of savings in case of job loss, but with Ben getting so sick so fast and for so long, it wiped us out.

We have thought long and hard about our leaving in such a way. We tried the possibility of renting it out, but there is too much work to be done on the home. We have thought about a short-sale, but we would be so far under that it's just too ridiculous. We have decided to pay the consequences of a forclosure. I am sad and down-trodden. I feel beaten and that I did not lose a battle, but simply surrendered.

You may think poorly of us for our decision and I would not blame you. I thought the same of others before. But I hope you will forgive us and not think ill of us for too long. You may have done something different if you were chosen to walk our path. As for us, we saw no other way.

Church

My grandpa used to say that church was for guilty people...and he wasn't guilty, so he didn't have to go! I'm not quite sure I agree with that philosophy, but I do choose not to attend church at this time.

I don't have any problems with principles or views, no, rather, at this time I am still too angry at God to praise His name. Which also makes me too angry to have people approach me at church and ask about my prolonged absence or inquiring about what's going on in my at this moment. Normally I would welcome such questioning, but right now I am too angry and I think I would snap at people, not meaning to.

I also don't want people to try and convince me that things aren't that bad and that I should just get over it. Or tell me that I'm not the only one that has problems, but that others don't let it get to them. Please let me be upset for a while. I'm trying to sort through myriad feelings and deal with them accordingly. If you wanted to come over and give me a hug, tell me things are going to be alright and don't mind me making a scoffing sound, that would be nice.

*@DD*iC#TeD!

I am TOTALLY addicted to Christopher!! He is SO cute and sweet and silly! There are times when I can't stand him (usually when he won't sleep and I am really tired.) He is my reason for smiling and laughing nowadays. If he sleeps a little longer in the morning than he usually does, I get anxious and can't wait until he wakes to hold him. I know I am a "helicopter mom" but for right now, I'm okay with that! After having several miscarriages and a difficult pregnancy and the very real possibility of not being able to have any more children, this is the fate my poor Christopher will have to endure. I will be the best parent I can be despite this handicap.

I'm not perfect at the "love" thing with Christopher, though. I feel all three of us were cheated out of just experiencing being a family early on with the cancer and subsequent necrotizing fasciitis, that I wasn't able to give Christopher the complete love he needed and deserved right off. It took me six months for the PPD (Post-Partum Depression) to wear off and for me to honestly say "I love you" to him. Of course I loved him, but the struggles that were occurring, I, at times, resented him being around or at least being so difficult. It makes me sad to admit that, but it was the truth. Not until I had to seriously consider that it would be just Christopher and I because Ben was not going to make it through the necro fasc did I open my eyes and cling to my baby. Knowing that I could very well lose the love of my life and Christopher would never get to know his father I tried to start making up for all the time I skipped over hugging and loving opportunities.

I knew I would have to be both parents, but I still hoped and prayed that would never happen. I forced my into the hospital with Christopher so that he would have time with his father (even if he would never remember those moments.) I wanted to give Ben reasons to keep fighting and not give up. And if he didn't make it, he could still have the memories of his son with him and I could keep them with me.

Thankfully, we didn't have to cross that bridge but the scars are still there. I am addicted to Christopher now because he was all I had in the world, MY world, for that time. We clung to each other and I'm afraid I am still clinging.

Where We Are At Right Now

Hey there! Long time since we've last blogged...well things have been quite, uh, interesting...right now we are in the middle of trying to find a surgeon that will put Ben back together again the way we believe he can be. Right now Ben's health is in limbo...he's feeling alright, but we're still waiting to see what is his ultimate fate: will he have a permanent ostomy or will he be able to have a relatively normal life again and will we ever be able to have children again? I guess that is where we are right now: just waiting...