Sunday, February 8, 2015

Why I DIDN'T Choose "Lose Weight" for My New Year's Resolution

     Ever since I started to really care what I looked like, I have struggled with my weight. Constantly being teased by family, friends, and strangers alike made me determined to get to a size where people wouldn't notice ANY cost.

     I fought with bulimia and anorexia for nearly ten years (no, I was never a size 0. Unfortunately, these tactics backfire on some bodies already damaged or simply lost the genetic battle to have this form of self-abuse "work". I did some permanent damage to my liver, kidneys, and pancreas). And I HATED food! I hated that I needed food to stay alive. I hated food for being the main way to celebrate or get together with family and friends. I HATED food when I needed it so I could still breast feed my baby during THE most stressful time of my life thus far (see beginning of this blog to learn more).

     Every year since 6th grade, I have made "lose weight" my New Year's goal, and EVERY year I failed. A few years back I stopped making single goals and went with themes that pertained to multiple aspects of my life. Eventually "lose weight" fell off my to-do list all together. Sure, I would try and start new schemes every year, secretly and not-so-secretly, but they wouldn't work.

     Last year I started a new approach to eating and I learned a few things about myself in the process. I wanted to end my near life-long argument with food and learn what things actually tasted like. In all my years of eating, I hadn't actually tasted my food! I would just shovel it in hoping to get the deed over with so I could continue on with more important things. So all last year I paid attention to what I was eating and if I enjoyed it or not, and why. Near the end of the year I discovered something: I REALLY like food!

     When this new year rolled around I again toyed with the idea of weight loss. The frustrating thing was, I couldn't find the motivation! Nothing, nothing was a good enough motivator to diet and exercise on ANY program. With my lifelong quest of WHY in mind, I went on a soul-searching journey. Now, you may think it should have been an obvious discovery, but someone with such a messed up mind (me) often misses the obvious and instead of taking the straight path leading directly to an answer, I like to take the circuitous, roller-coaster route to find what I'm looking for (not really, it's just what I do. Yet another quest for myself.)

     What did I find, you ask? I found my answer. I finally like food and I don't want to restrict my intake of if just yet! I want to sit and at length enjoy food. So that is what I am doing. Don't worry, I'm not sitting at home eating mass quantities of ice cream and gourmet foods (I don't have the time or money). And I am being fair with ALL foods, including fruits and vegetables, and for the most part only eating until I am full, not stuffed.

      So this year at least, I have chosen to not lose weight. I have chosen instead to find self-respect and lose hurtful ways of thinking. I'm choosing to repair my relationship with food. I am choosing to like ME.