Thursday, November 15, 2012
I'm still reeling over my husband's illnesses that occurred about 3 years ago. Not only did he have cancer but he had necrotizing fasciitis that killed him, once. I am so traumatized by all of that, that I have episodes that have happened recently where I'll be sitting on the sofa watching a show with my husband and totally not realize I'm at home. For me, I'm at the hospital sitting in a cold chair in a cold room trying to convince myself that watching TV for four hours is beneficial to my husband who's lying there finally sleeping because he can't rest all day until I come to visit. Most of my husband's 3 month stay in the hospital was like that. I would drop my newborn off at a different person's house each day for 5 or 6 hours. Drive like a madwoman to the hospital to sit there with a near comatose man who was slipping away, and watch television. He was so bad off that I made him make 24-hour pacts with me to fight to stay alive...because he didn't want to. And who could blame him, really? He was going through extreme amounts of pain most people could not survive. His illness was one that only 10% of people who are diagnosed with necro fasc have and less than 1% survive. And for good reason. It eats through people from the inside out. You aren't supposed to live through that!
I contemplated suicide EVERY SINGLE DAY. I thought, "Why should I go on when he doesn't want to? How am I going to live if he doesn't?" We had only been married 4 years. We had gone through 3 miscarriages together and finally had our miracle baby. Life was looking up...until. The only reason for my living? I want to tell you it was because I knew that despite all my pain, all our troubles, I knew my Father in Heaven loved and cared for me and that it was all going to work out in my favor. But I can't. The one and only reason I am still alive is because of...
After my husband came home from the hospital, I left my faith. I was so angry so hurt by God. How could I bow my head and pray to the one who made this all happen. It has taken me nearly the entire three years to finally realize I did have Him with me. I know just a bit more of the love Heavenly Father and His Son have for me personally every single day because of my son. I love my son like nobody's business! I mean how could you not with a face like that?! :) I love my son with such an undying love that I even surprise myself with the extent of it all. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have a similar love for me, but I know they love me more than I know or could ever comprehend. How do I know? Because that's exactly how I feel about my son.
Don't get me wrong, I love my husband with a passion I never knew I could for anyone that I would live with 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I couldn't love my cat that way, how could I for a person?! My husband is an amazing man, and amazing husband, and an amazing and wonderful father. But people can, have, and do "fall out of love" with spouses but I don't think I know of one person who has been able to truly un-love their own child. You can be angry or hurt or disappointed my your kids, but you will always love them in that special and sacred way. This is how I know I am loved. This is how I know we all are loved.
I've just discovered a little bit more about the Pure Love of Christ and wanted to share with you what I now know. Because with all the anger and hurt and disappoint in the world, isn't nice that you are loved no matter what? I think so.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
When I find myself at the water's edge it is difficult to leave. The wind, the air, the calm all keeping my feet right where they are and my mind centered on a universal sound. I realize not everyone feels the same way I do about ocean (or any large body of water) as I do. I know people that could care less about their proximity to the water, but it sounds so unreal! How could you live without being near the water?! How do you not hear and feel serenity and peace standing there? How is it you do not stand in reverent awe when, from the beach, you spot a pod of whales or dolphins?
I'm not going to give you a Save the Whales speech or go into my beliefs on global warming. My thoughts are more focused on the Savior today and His message: be still. I hear this when my tempest is raging or even if my blood pressure is rising. It is a constant stream of thought throughout my hectic day. This is how I know He hears me and knows me.
I can go to the temple and feel a sort of loud peace, if you can imagine it. When I'm at the temple I feel I have so much work to do and so much to receive that I am bombarded with messages and promptings, but at the ocean I feel and hear just one message, one prompting: be still. Don't get me wrong! The temple is a wonderful and beautiful place filled with peace and joy and love, it's just that for me it's filled with work (I'm kind of a lazy person) and to-do lists. I go to the temple with a purpose and task. I go to the ocean just to be.
I'm sure you hear something, sometime. I know there's a place you go to feel peace and to be still. Go there, if you can, even if it's only in your mind for now. There's a message waiting for you there: be still.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
I look back at my life and think, "What do I have to show for my years so far?" I have a marriage that has survived Hell and is still crawling back from that war with all its wounds and scars both physical and emotional. I have my miracle baby; my beautiful, fun, silly, loving son that we were blessed with after several miscarriages. I have loads of worthy and unworthy Worldly knowledge that both hinders and helps me, but I still feel tainted from it all. I have loving and sometimes frustrating spiritual knowledge that has gotten me through some of my toughest moments and gives me the ability to help others through theirs. I've got tons of stuff, most of which I try to unload on a seasonal basis.
But is all of this enough? Is it too much? I don't know. With my current and ongoing mini trials, I feel there is so much more out there waiting for me; but I can't get to it. I know I must be trying to rush things (I always have it seems). I've always been in a rush to grow up, experience Life, make things happen. I want to have certain aspects of my life to be completed and others to get started. I'm sounding like I'm an impatient person, and I suppose I am. I can feel things coming, hiding around a corner waiting for me. But I don't like surprises. Never have. I used to love and live for the unexpected and change, now I would like everything mapped out to the "T" so I can plan. But I can't plan for life, I just have to sit here waiting for it to happen to me. Not a good attitude, I know, but I'm scared. I'm scared that the things I have hoped for won't come to pass. I'm scared some new life experience is going to knock me off my feet and hold me down with a force so strong I won't be able to get back up again. I've been down there and I don't like it. I know I got up eventually, I overcame, but it's scary.
I don't mind getting older, in fact I'm excited for it. I just hope all the things I plan grow older with me.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
So, what's new in my little world? The teenager in me wants to respond, "EVERYTHING!" but I'm not sure that's the wrong answer.
I had plans all laid out for the next 5 years. I even prayed about them, but they ended up changing on me anyway. School is my big item right now. I had plans of going through the Bachelor's program at University of Phoenix with hopes of learning how to be a teacher to my pride and joy. That's not going to happen. I'm struggling with finishing up the Associate's program and trying to figure out what and where to go next!
I'm also having to teach myself things, skills I thought I already had down just to find out now that I was wrong. Eating has been a constant battle, but I think I'm set with that road for a while, at least. But I'm having to teach myself about shopping. I inherited the shop-therapy gene which I've been trying to recover from, but as I'm doing so I find I don't know how to shop at all!
The way I learned to shop was to find a store and brand and stick with them! Not to look at prices so much, but think of a higher price equal to higher quality. I used to think I was a bargain shopper until we had no money and I found out I overspent by hundreds of dollars.
Being poor, and I mean really, truly with not enough money to honestly support ourselves so we have to rely on the Lord to live kind of poor, has taught me first that I had a problem, and second how to try and deal with that problem. I've also learned about what was THE MOST important thing to me: my family, our happiness, my faith.
I have learned, am still learning, that stuff does NOT matter. Not the house, not the car, not a whole lot of things. I have the urge to purge like nobody's business just so I can start from scratch and learn what I really NEED rather than what I want. That's almost not plausible but I'm going around my house, my life re-evaluating EVERYTHING. Even though we have a tight budget, I'm learning there are more ways we could be doing better.
I'm also learning that this lifestyle is not as bad as I had once thought it to be. Sure, it's tough sometimes especially when I try and compare my life to others, but I think I'm actually getting something out of this particular trial this time. I'm hoping to carry the lessons learned throughout my entire life and pass those along to my children instead of stuff and debt. Though these lessons are hard, I'm learning to be free, whether in my own little world or out there in yours, and I'm okay with that.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Sometimes I like to whine too much about these days or because I'm so overwhelmed I make them into something more than they are (but I bet you haven't experienced anything like that. lol). For example, I am trying to be more self-reliant by taking hold of my life and the things in it and taking responsibility for the every day things most people (including myself) take for granted. But it's really difficult when I see others skating by and taking advantage and doing so, easily! OR if when I am readying myself for another leap of faith toward my self-reliant goal, God decides to push me off the ledge because He thinks I'm more ready than I do. Those times are the most difficult.
So, if you ask me I'm doing, or how's my day going, just know it's been hard lately and I'm trying to smile through it all but I'm probably going to go cry in the bathroom for a while until I can release enough stress to move forward.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
I am just learning about the way I eat and why (kind of sad because I'm almost 36 years old).
I'm just finding out what foods I do and don't like (like I really don't like M&Ms or apple pie. Sacrilege? Maybe, but that's how I roll).
I've understood my body better than any doctor (or friend or well-meaning passerby-er) and so instead of trying new things that don't seem to work, I will go back to the old things that worked in the past and seem to be doing just fine currently.
I am with my kid 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and I'm pretty sure I understand as much as I'm going to right now. There are always going to be things that perplex me, but I know I will learn just as he is learning.
I don't have the world's greatest love affair, but I work at it every day. I don't need to hear how your new-fangled idea you read about on Pinterest is making your married life better and how I should try it out. I'm glad it works for you, but it's just not for us, and that's okay.
I'm not looking at people and wishing I had whatever they have. My motivation for my desired body shape is something I once had and feel I can get back to. This does not involve my legs being the same width as my forearms, but something I feel is attainable and healthy.
I'm currently trying to achieve a simplistic lifestyle...comfortable but simple. I don't have the need for big and fancy. I have the need for simple and easy. I don't need the kitchen appliance most believe is the sign of true wealth and ease. I use a wooden spoon (or my hands) and a bowl I've had in my family since 20 years before I was born!
I'm quitting (notice I haven't reached my full potential quite yet) the world's view of what is good, better, best and becoming more self-sufficient (and defining that for myself). I'm trusting more on the Lord instead of others that may not care for me as much as He does. I go to my knees for answers instead of the Internet. I trust in myself and my abilities and gifts from God more than I can or should people who don't even know me, but really, really like the thing I "pinned" today.
I still like the modern things of the world, but I am learning the meaning of "all things in moderation" and "self-sufficiency" and what those mean to me.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Despite my size, I am not a lover of food. In fact, I kind of hate food. When I eat I barely notice the taste, in fact over the past few years I've noticed more texture than flavor. When I eat I try to get the task done as soon as possible rarely savoring the food.
But now I have been given a different way of thinking and a new outlook on the whole eating thing. I am having to learn to eat without judgement or anyone else's food or eating issues but mine. You may think that sounds crazy but most people don't realize the problems they have with food.
Right now I'm acknowledging my issues, confronting, and conquering them...slowly but surely.
Friday, March 30, 2012
It has been another silent goal of mine to accomplish the bend-over-without-grunting task and to add shoe tying to all of that, well let's just say, that would be icing (non-fat, sugarfree of course) on the (same) cake.
Last week, amongst all the happy angst in our family, I found myself bending over and tying or strapping on shoes without a sound! At first, I took it for granted until I wondered to myself if I had been doing this all along! I realized I haven't grunted to get up or move (with the exception of this last week of recuperation)!
This may sound like child's play, but for an owner of a chubby tummy, accomplishing such a thing is a feat unto itself. I may not look like how I think I should, but with this revelation and goal checked off the to-do list, I'd say I am well on my way! YAY ME! :)
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
This is what I said (the "He" of course is Heavenly Father):
".i just feel your pain so much! i understand much of the frustration you must be going through, much of the anger at the one Being that can take this all away or at least to a point where it's manageable. you think "how can this be good for you, your husband, your kids?" and if it's not good then take it away! but He won't...he won't make it easier on you or your family, He won't answer your prayer, your begging, your tears...and it makes you madder than you have felt...and you take it out on everyone, even yourself because then you think "what have i done to deserve this?" and you feel so bad you don't even want to think about it...you shut yourself away so the only person you hurt is yourself (or so you think)...but the problem is still there...waiting for you to open the door so it can rush right in and take over what life you have left...BUT even if you don't realize it, right now things are getting better! you opened the door and let people in again and they are ready and willing to help you out, i promise! not everyone but the ones that truly care and love you. your children want nothing more than to make you happy (even when they scream and yell so much you just want to give them away to charity!) they do silly things to make you smile every day. Heavenly Father sends those things to you every day. He wants to nothing more than to give you everlasting joy...yes He does! you will find a way around this once you start knowing the rules and boundaries. please, please, please read your scriptures, Ensign, whatever...please fast even if you do it from something other than food (i have to do that)...please pray...it's hard to talk to someone you are so angry with but He wants to hear it. He wants to help you. I promise..."
Good advice if I say so myself'!
Clearing away the clutter and organizing my home is helping to organize and clear away my soul. I still have things to work through and I probably always will, and that's OK because that is who I am.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
So...we are starting to BIG clean during the stereotypical Springtime (been doing a lot of things that way this year, why stop now?)
We are going from room to room and eliminating things we don't need or use. We plan to do our town's community yard sale and come home with NOTHING! (except for a couple of larger items if they don't sell). We are going to take that money to make and keep our home more organized with new closet set-ups, kitchen drawer pull-outs, and the like. We are also going to spruce up our home with paint to reward ourselves a job well done!
Our inspiration is coming from the Clean House show we recently got hooked on. It has given us the motivation we needed to get started and continue on! We don't think we're as bad as some of the folks on that show, but we definitely have the tendencies. With the Pack Raticus (Pack Rat in layman's terms) genome running rampant in our souls, we need a good push more often then I would like to admit.
So, tell me. What do you think? Good idea or bad idea?
Saturday, February 25, 2012
But I pretty much look like this when I put them on...I got them on though!
OH! And another thing....
An unspoken goal I have had was to be able to get up from a sitting position without grunting...and I haven't noticed that I haven't grunted ONCE for like two weeks or more! LOL!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
|Sorry for the sour puss look...long day||.|
|Hey! smile why don't ya!|
Saturday, February 18, 2012
|Thumbs up for accomplishing my very first real goal!|
You can't see it very well, but I am trying to control myself in this
|We all just looked back at someones flash photography|
A friend pointed out that I have made goals and completed them in the past even if I didn't go out of my way to make sure it was done. But I never set out a goal (and stuck to it) that included anyone else. This was for my son just as much as it was for me. He has been looking forward to going on this ride just with me and I did not want to let him down. And I didn't. I made it. WE made it.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
But when you go and have your picture taken you realize what you really look like is this?!
This was my experience over the weekend...unfortunate too because I had been given a LOT of compliments by very kind friends and family who hadn't seen me in person for a while.
I know, the positioning of my body in the photo could have a lot do with the outcome but it was still a blow to my ego!
Another blow is that in just 3 days from now, I will be testing out my VERY FIRST GOAL of fitting into a goofy little kid ride for my son's birthday party. I still have my doubts because I live by doubting apparently, BUT I still going through with it! How could I not when my kid is looking forward to it so much?! Wish me luck and I will let you know how it goes!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
I've been so fluffy for so long, I don't remember when the last time I saw my own beautiful collar bone! Since my health kick, I've been trying to get it to pop out but no amount of body maneuvering could encourage the little guy to show...until TODAY!
thumb head. All of them done by tucking my head into my current neck fat to see what grotesque being I can become.
But today I was stretching out my neck (heh heh) in a seemingly vain attempt to see my decolletage and I was blessed with a sneak peek of the wonders that are to come.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
I haven't been able to rely on a whole lot of people mainly because I don't know what I need (except for something no one else can give). Brave Girls Club already knows what I need before I even know so when I see it, it makes me cry (in a good way). I cry because I see that someone really does understand even if they are only on the Internet and not in "real life".
Most of you know I have been through a lot. I know I can be a drama queen sometimes but honestly the things I have gone through and continue to go through are not made up in my head. These are not things I can easily overcome. These life events are HOLY COW, OMG events that blow the minds of other people who are not involved but don't seem to phase the ones that are.
In comes my virtual home at the Brave Girls Club. I don't know who they are and I doubt I will ever get the privilege of ever meeting them face-to-face but they are the "family" that understands me. They are the mother I don't have. Sometimes the advice is not always relevant but I know it is given with love and so I try to pass it on to others I think might be needing it.
I'm not getting paid or anything from these wonderful ladies trying to make a difference. I'm just trying to let them know how much I appreciate them and hope to pass along their wisdom and love to others in need. Thank you BGC...
Thursday, January 26, 2012
I used to volunteer at one and did so for many years. I started many programs including an Adopt-A-Grandparent Program especially for those poor souls who were dumped there and seemingly never thought of again.
Well, now I know why some were there with little to no family to visit them. At least now I can understand some of the reasoning behind it.
It's difficult if you've had a rough upbringing yet still tried to make a go of it, finally getting to a point you can possibly live with only to find out you were wrong.
There happens to be a legitimate reason why things could not, would not, and should not work out between you and your aging loved one. So, you distance yourself for safety and sanity's sake at nearly the same time this particular loved one's health is starting to deteriorate. You're torn, filled with mixed emotions on what to do and how to act. You're scorned by family members (and some friends) that both don't understand and don't know the whole story. Worst of all, they never will and you end up looking like the biggest jerk of all time! Even letting others know you have made your peace and you feel this best for you and your little family, the rest of the big family considers you a heel and continues to swear you off as the overly-emotional-while-simultaneously-being-devoid-of-feelings individual they have come to know and label you as.
While in the background, your aforementioned ailing loved one is moaning for attention which no one gives heed to (and no one openly admits to it but you) hasn't for a long time, if ever.
Being stuck between a rock and the family makes me scream more often then I'd like to admit. But for my part, I'd rather choose the rock.
Monday, January 23, 2012
|like my socks? ;)|
Saturday, January 14, 2012
I was almost 9 months pregnant and weighed 244 pounds.
I was NOT pregnant and I weighed 287 pounds.
This was the heaviest I have ever been! I remember getting close to the 200 pound mark and asking my roommates to shoot me if I crossed over. 5 years later I passed that mark without even knowing. BUT I've been making progress! Today I made it to the weight I was when I found out I was pregnant with my son...238 pounds. For me that's HUGE, no pun intended. That's 49 pounds!
Comparing these pictures along with the support from friends has been a tremendous help to me. I'm on my weigh down. (pun intended) :)
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Sooo..I've been losing weight since May/June 2011 because I couldn't eat too much without great amounts of pain and now I have a goal.