Friday, December 30, 2011

Shine a Little Light

I don't like resolutions because they seem doomed to fail at the get-go. I don't like that New Year's day for many is this life-altering event that makes all of the previous years' experiences null and void because you "start fresh". To me, New Year's day is just another day ending in "Y". There is nothing special about, no magic. It doesn't come with an automatic change-everything-to-something-new button. It',BUT I do believe in changing for the better but if you're going to change why not start RIGHT NOW? Why do you have to wait until a specific day? "I want to go on a diet/start exercising/volunteering/whatever so I'm going to start that on Monday!" WHAT?!?! What's wrong with right now? If you want to change something do it now, don't let the momentum burn off over the weekend!

Change also doesn't have to be mind-blowing and huge, you can start out small and work your way toward your ultimate goal (unless you are trying to quit smoking, drugs, alcohol then cold turkey is the only way to me...)

I'm a ready for a change. I'm ready to start being a better person. To stop being so angry and to let things go like I used to be able to. I know I am never going to be able to change the past and it looks like no one else is volunteering to either, but it's going to be a long hard road. I've been angry (i.e. hurt, embarrassed, scared) for so long that I have forgotten how not to be that way. So, I have been listening to people give motivational talks and picking out little quotes that mean something to me and running with it.

People in my life love to use the phrase "Endure to the End". I hate it. I hate the thought of "enduring" sounds painful and not what I want to do. Someone else had the same view and tweaked the thought a bit to "Enjoying to the End". I know it's just one little word but I'm big on semantics and Enjoying is something I can strive for.

Another idea I am adopting for my change is something like "through small and simple things are great things accomplished"...or something like that. I'm taking it as baby steps. I don't have to take the full leap and be disappointed if I don't make it to the other side. If I have to climb down into the ravine and climb up to the other side, as long as I get there that's what matters.

My last one is a little more scriptural, "...arise and shine forth." Meaning get up and live to your full potential. Stop sitting around waiting for something to happen...MAKE things happen. People used to say I had a light about me that attracted people to me like moths to a flame. They don't say that anymore, but I would like to have it back and I know my family would like it back as well.

There are several steps I am taking to achieve my ultimate goal which is love. I made a life-altering (for the better) change almost 15 years ago simply on the basis of finding love in all its forms. In truth, over the past few years I have lost that lovin' feeling and I want it back and then some.

I'm ready for a change...who's with me?

Monday, December 12, 2011

Everyday is Saturday...

Whenever I think about my tasks I have set out for myself for the day, I ask myself,"What day is it?" Often, I ask myself this several times a day. I look around the quiet streets of my neighborhood searching for clues on what day it is. More often than not I come to the conclusion that today is indeed Saturday....and more often than not I am wrong. Like today for instance. I was driving home from grocery shopping and purchasing my final Christmas gift for the season (WOO HOO!) I looked around my neighborhood, I looked at the time on the clock in the car and on my phone (like that would help) and thought the day was the start of the weekend. Of course today is actually Monday, a day that is most hated above others and not Saturday the complete opposite.

"Why," you may ask, might I think everyday is Saturday? It is because I do not have a regular 9-5 (or 6-3 which is most like the people I know) type of job. My husband is home on disability and has been since his health issues began (see any post from Arizona on). My days are monotonous and meaningless more often than not. Of course, I have my adorable growing-into-his-own son of mine that mixes things up a bit each day, but other than that my life is like having Mac n' Cheese everyday with an occasional hot dog chunk thrown in if I'm good.

Anybody else feel this way or is it just me? ...Probably just me....

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Give a Blythe a cookie...

This is me. I have wants and needs and desires just like any other normal human being out there, but I just can't seem to break one teensie weensie, very BAD habit. I want MORE and I can never be satisfied with what I already have! I can list off all the very nice aspects of my life but I always have to end with the caveat "but". I have a husband and son who love me and I love them...but...I don't have the family connections I desperately want outside my "own little world". I don't have all the children I would want and time is running out for me. I can go on and on but I shouldn't.

And speaking of that wonderful husband of mine...if you read further back in my blog you will learn that he had a minor battle with cancer nearly three years ago and a major battle with necrotizing fasciitis...BUT even after "winning" said battles (as much as one can win after being chewed up by bacteria and fried from chemo and radiation) I want more! Not more out of my husband, he already does more than his fair share, but more for him. He has lost so much of himself in many ways and his health has been in a limbo state since his job loss and subsequent health care loss almost two years ago. So, he is alive and at home and close to fully functioning...BUT...I want him back to the way he was. I want his health to be better. I want an end, a close to this chapter in our lives so I can try an move on to the next life trial set in our path.

One more and then I swear I'm done...

We have this small but amazing in a hundred different ways house that I'm telling ya we wouldn't be able to keep if it weren't for the miracle and blessing of tithing....BUT...with all those amazing hundred different things comes a hundred or so more things that need to be changed or fixed. I have so many projects in the making (please tell me I'm not the only one). I have three bedrooms but one is dedicated to all the projects we started but haven't quite finished yet. I'm trying not to be ungrateful because there have been some huge projects started and nearly finished by the helping hands of friends that would have been beyond our means if they had not come to our aid.

This past couple of months I have been bombarded with great advice on how to be more grateful for what I have and not to take for granted for all that I have been given. I am trying to live in the present and experience the "now" hasn't been easy. I still feel like I'm going at this alone. BUT I am listening and putting to practice the counsel I have been given and maybe someday I won't ask for a glass of milk after I've been given a cookie, I will just simply say "thank you" and be satisfied. One can hope. :)

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Letter to know who you are...

I do not anymore STUFF (from you). It does not make me happy, it doesn't make me like, it doesn't make me love you. For me, love is spelled T-I-M-E. You blew through your opportunities to show your love. You took our relationship for granted. You gave excuses, not answers.

I'm having to break ingrained habits bestowed from you so I don't pass them on to my children. I understand the hope to give the gift of joy you have through gift giving but gifts only bring momentary happiness and not everlasting joy. I'm not sure how to completely undo all the damage done so, for now I will simply stop. Stop with the stuff, stop with the things, stop with the meaningless gifts meant to substitute for love. For my children, I will give them more meaningful time, more undivided attention and just play and be. And when they say they need me to be there for them, I will know how to do that and give them what they need: true love.

This Christmas I really don't want stuff. I know it's a little late to make such a statement but starting from the New Year and beyond. As nice as it is to receive things, the money spent on them could be put to better use like food, bills, clothes. When I am in dire straits I feel best when my basic needs are met (see Maslow's Hierarchy). What I really want is to know I am loved and liked. That I am worth your time and energy. Time to hang out, chat in real life, commune. I need and want the lonely feeling I have to go away. I need and want your time (aka love).