Our family has changed a lot since this photo was taken a little over a year ago. Since then, I have learned to love our little family more than I thought ever possible. I learned more than I wanted to. I definitely haven't learned it all...yet! I know there is SO much more to come our way. I've always been a sucker for knowledge, well I guess I got what was coming to me huh?!
But I miss it. I miss what I had thought we were heading for: a life filled with wonder and amazement and frustration all from being new parents. I miss those precious first few months of Christopher's new life. Those months instead of being full of sleepless nights and joys of parenthood were tainted by sickness, stress and death. The following months didn't get any better, they got worse. I know we can never get those back or start again. I know all I can do is learn from it all and move on. But I'm having trouble with that last part. I'm stuck. I'm wounded. I am working on all that right now, but it's a long and painful process. There are feelings and emotions I haven't yet let myself go through, but I know I have to in order to get past this.
With Ben there is still much to do and it seems I am the only one that can get them done, or at least the ball rolling. I'm not sure I am ready but the time has come. I'm scared and I'm lonely. I'm reading MAKING SENSE OF SUFFERING and I am currently clinging to a quote from it: "Suffering places us behind a door and hides us somewhat from the view of others. The privacy allows adjustment, renewal and transformation. The fortunate interruption allows us to break old chains. When we emerge, we need not put them back on....Friends and loved ones will be quietly relieved that the pain recreated us." This last part is helping me not be so angry.
I don't know why I am writing all this. I guess I'm hoping that I can just vent enough to keep breathing. Also to let people know that we are still here. We're just trying to recuperate so we can join the human race again.