Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Out With The Young In With The Old

These aren't my hands, but they're getting there. I'm not old per say, I'm only 36 but I've been through a lot that has seemed to age me. And when I look at my hands and fingers in particular, I see my mother's "old" hands. I see how the skin isn't as taut as it used to be. I have the looser-feeling skin of my grandmother's hands. I can pinch skin where I couldn't before!

I look back at my life and think, "What do I have to show for my years so far?" I have a marriage that has survived Hell and is still crawling back from that war with all its wounds and scars both physical and emotional. I have my miracle baby; my beautiful, fun, silly, loving son that we were blessed with after several miscarriages. I have loads of worthy and unworthy Worldly knowledge that both hinders and helps me, but I still feel tainted from it all. I have loving and sometimes frustrating spiritual knowledge that has gotten me through some of my toughest moments and gives me the ability to help others through theirs. I've got tons of stuff, most of which I try to unload on a seasonal basis.

But is all of this enough? Is it too much? I don't know. With my current and ongoing mini trials, I feel there is so much more out there waiting for me; but I can't get to it. I know I must be trying to rush things (I always have it seems). I've always been in a rush to grow up, experience Life, make things happen. I want to have certain aspects of my life to be completed and others to get started. I'm sounding like I'm an impatient person, and I suppose I am. I can feel things coming, hiding around a corner waiting for me. But I don't like surprises. Never have. I used to love and live for the unexpected and change, now I would like everything mapped out to the "T" so I can plan. But I can't plan for life, I just have to sit here waiting for it to happen to me. Not a good attitude, I know, but I'm scared. I'm scared that the things I have hoped for won't come to pass. I'm scared some new life experience is going to knock me off my feet and hold me down with a force so strong I won't be able to get back up again. I've been down there and I don't like it. I know I got up eventually, I overcame, but it's scary.

I don't mind getting older, in fact I'm excited for it. I just hope all the things I plan grow older with me.

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