Thursday, November 15, 2012

Pure Love

I'm no exemplary mother or wife. I don't come out of trials of faith beaming. I'm pretty much the key example of what not to do when hard times come. Case in point...

I'm still reeling over my husband's illnesses that occurred about 3 years ago. Not only did he have cancer but he had necrotizing fasciitis that killed him, once. I am so traumatized by all of that, that I have episodes that have happened recently where I'll be sitting on the sofa watching a show with my husband and totally not realize I'm at home. For me, I'm at the hospital sitting in a cold chair in a cold room trying to convince myself that watching TV for four hours is beneficial to my husband who's lying there finally sleeping because he can't rest all day until I come to visit. Most of my husband's 3 month stay in the hospital was like that. I would drop my newborn off at a different person's house each day for 5 or 6 hours. Drive like a madwoman to the hospital to sit there with a near comatose man who was slipping away, and watch television. He was so bad off that I made him make 24-hour pacts with me to fight to stay alive...because he didn't want to. And who could blame him, really? He was going through extreme amounts of pain most people could not survive. His illness was one that only 10% of people who are diagnosed with necro fasc have and less than 1% survive. And for good reason. It eats through people from the inside out. You aren't supposed to live through that!

I contemplated suicide EVERY SINGLE DAY. I thought, "Why should I go on when he doesn't want to? How am I going to live if he doesn't?" We had only been married 4 years. We had gone through 3 miscarriages together and finally had our miracle baby. Life was looking up...until. The only reason for my living? I want to tell you it was because I knew that despite all my pain, all our troubles, I knew my Father in Heaven loved and cared for me and that it was all going to work out in my favor. But I can't. The one and only reason I am still alive is because of...

him. With post-partum depression baring down on me on top of situational depression, I was marked for death. If I didn't have my little son to come home to I would have died.

After my husband came home from the hospital, I left my faith. I was so angry so hurt by God. How could I bow my head and pray to the one who made this all happen. It has taken me nearly the entire three years to finally realize I did have Him with me. I know just a bit more of the love Heavenly Father and His Son have for me personally every single day because of my son. I love my son like nobody's business! I mean how could you not with a face like that?! :) I love my son with such an undying love that I even surprise myself with the extent of it all. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have a similar love for me, but I know they love me more than I know or could ever comprehend. How do I know? Because that's exactly how I feel about my son.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband with a passion I never knew I could for anyone that I would live with 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I couldn't love my cat that way, how could I for a person?! My husband is an amazing man, and amazing husband, and an amazing and wonderful father. But people can, have, and do "fall out of love" with spouses but I don't think I know of one person who has been able to truly un-love their own child. You can be angry or hurt or disappointed my your kids, but you will always love them in that special and sacred way. This is how I know I am loved. This is how I know we all are loved.

I've just discovered a little bit more about the Pure Love of Christ and wanted to share with you what I now know. Because with all the anger and hurt and disappoint in the world, isn't nice that you are loved no matter what? I think so.

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