Monday, August 3, 2015

It's not Cancer, and why I'm not happy about it


This post may get a little gory. I will try to stray from details in hopes you will get the gist of the conversation...

I have been bleeding for 60 days now and I'm in the gray area of Crazy. I have been bleeding excessively for about 50 of those days. I have been tested for Cancer, Thyroid, Polyps, Cysts, Hormones, Hemoglobin, Cholesterol, Diabetes, and Iron. The only thing that came back positive was Cysts. Despite my weight and this bleeding issue, I am in very good health. ALL my numbers are so good in fact that no one seems to be too concerned with my bleeding issue except me!

I know this is going to sound absolutely BONKERS but I wish I had Cancer! Cancer is something people have heard about. Cancer is something doctors have figured out how to fix! My bleeding issue, and the fact that my body can "handle it" is something no one around me understands. Short of either a miracle of Biblical proportions or a complete hysterectomy, there seems to be nothing for me if I still wanted to try to conceive! (I know I have said that we cannot have another baby, but I still have that glimmer of hope and if my uterus is gone so is that hope. And, no, adoption is not an option either.)

I have heard enough "I'm sorry" or "It's not THAT bad" or "We all have something, don't we" to last me into the Eternities!

I cannot leave my house without the real possibility of bleeding through all my clothes. I've done that going from one floor of my house to the next! (*GORY*) I have soaked through a "super" tampon, 2 pads front to back (at the same time), panties, Garments, 2 pairs of pj bottoms, and a towel in less than 30 minutes in one sitting.

"How can I possibly still be living after a bleed out like that?!?!" you may ask. Or you might say, "I've done something similar and I didn't it was as bad as you're portraying it." I have these two scenarios as examples of what has been said to me.

 Some of you might be thinking that if I DID have Cancer, the doctors would still remove offending body parts that I hoped to save. Yes, you are correct BUT the advantage of Cancer over my mystery is that it wouldn't be a mystery. When I tell the doctors a symptom they wouldn't look at me with some confused expression. They could tell me that the symptom is normal for a Cancer patient, and we'd move forward.

I am at my wit's end. I am crazed with confusion and frustration. I am broken in many ways.

Would Cancer be better? I cannot give you my honest opinion. I have dealt with Cancer in my family (husband, aunt, grandfather, friends) and made it through alright.When faced with a medical anomaly, with more questions than answers, with less options than I would like, crazy thoughts come to mind.

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