No Pictures, No Frills, Just Struggles and a Cry for Help

Don't ya just HATE it when you're trying to lose weight and get healthy, so you look up online on ways how to do just that; and people are complaining and saying the EXACT same stuff you do, then you click on the link only to read how upset people are at being SO overweight when their version of "overweight" is somewhere around 35 pounds?!?!

Don't get me wrong; I am totally with ya on the weight loss bandwagon and I completely understand the frustration you have when trying to lose ANY weight no matter what your size. BUT when I'm looking for similar gripe stories/solutions to MY weight-loss problem, it all pales in comparison...especially when you need to lose about 100 to 110 pounds to be on the level.

 Thankfully I have several kind and caring friends who are involved in various health programs. The problem lies in the monetary aspect and long-term effects for me. The money is the first STOP sign I get when searching what is right for me on my personal weight-loss journey but the real clincher are the long-term effects. Problem here is that my body is so completely different than anybody elses (truly, I have been told this time and time again by SEVERAL health professionals, trainers, consultants, you name it) that "long-term" just doesn't apply.

What I'm looking for is something that isn't going to make me buy in before I try the theory. I am literally tapped out from trying everything from group therapies (i.e. Weight Watchers) to one-on-one (i.e personal trainers), to meal replacements (ah, just insert any and nearly all of the ones you have ever heard of and a sprinkle of the ones you haven't).

The other, and really the MAIN issue is, I need something that WORKS for someone so utterly messed up hormonally, physically, and mentally as I am! Seriously folks! I have been actually tested by real Doctors that say I have SO MUCH cortisol (the "stress" hormone) in my body that they believe there is NO WAY I will ever successfully lose weight!

HOW. SUCKY. IS. THAT?!

And yet, I still try! How can I not?! Especially when my body hurts, oh HECK my soul hurts from carrying all this weight?!

It has been suggested that I find a motivator that will jump-start my desire. I HAVE desire but I have NO motivator! And believe me I have heard it all. From death to life in agony, from exceeding joy to eternal happiness, yet nothing works in my messed up little head.

Now, I am just tired. Tired of all the work, pain, suffering, ups and downs. I'm tired of trying and failing...every...single...time. ALL of me is tired.

But I still try. Why? Because I'm hoping I will find the answer, the thing that clicks for me and my weird round body. But I'm losing motivation much quicker this time...and I guess...I need help. But I don't know where to get it.

If you offer assistance, please don't be offended if I tell you that yes, indeed I have tried your absolutely-will-not-fail-method-that-works-for-every-body-especially-mine. And in turn I will do my best to simply accept with a genuine heart.

My Feelings Are My Own

To read my blogs and to hear me speak, you might think I keep nothing to myself (except those sacred-not-secret things) but you would be mistaken. Most of what I keep close to my heart are my feelings, my emotions. Those are mine and I only share those with two people: my husband and my son.

Does this sound contradictory? I'm not sure. I hope you would not think me rude or standoffish but I have had to learn to protect myself in many ways and if I am to bare all, sort to speak, on the web I need to put some boundaries up.

As far as the to-share-or-not-to-share, sharing when appropriate and in appropriate ways was something that was advised to me by a church leader long ago. He informed me that the usual stance is not to share too much so as not to seem as boasting, but that I had a story (or several stories) to share and he felt it necessary to open up when the Spirit felt right.

So, here I am on my little blog sharing anything and everything from family to survival, from birth to rebirth. I hope you get something out of my stories because I know I sure got something out of living them!

To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: A convert's story continues...

The Search Continues...

As I begin to think about this post, I remember my near lifelong quest to find religion. I am struck by two main thoughts: One is how young I was when I felt the need to go on my personal religious quest, and Two, how I never once thought there could be no religion, no God. When I was about 15 years old, I talked to my best friend about my search. She blankly and truthfully brought up something I never considered. What if, when we die, there's nothing...just dirt and worms and nothing...

I thought about this concept for a while until I understood what I was thinking and feeling. I felt that this idea was wrong. It didn't make sense to my soul. I just knew something had to be out there, someone waiting for me, to return and report.

My search had several stops and starts. I would either hit a wall or land in a comfortable place before I was mature enough to keep looking. By "mature" I mean, to not give up just because things became difficult or I became lax.

After being told once again I did not belong in yet another faith, I grew distraught. I gave up on Christianity because I thought the reason I was pushed out was because I was in the wrong main faith altogether! I studied Islam where rituals were comforting and familiar. I studied Buddhism of many sorts and found it beautiful and fulfilling. I stayed within the more Eastern religions for a few years. During that time I found myself, somewhat. I found some self-made limitations and learn to conquer most of them. I learned how to be and stay calm. In many ways I found forgiveness that went deeper than I had learned in the past. But I still had the yearning to find exactly where I belonged or a place where everything made sense.

I was at a forum where I heard a great Buddhist leader speaking. It was a chance of a lifetime! One of his main focuses is to bring people of ALL faiths together and show us how we are alike. To bring a sense of community for all mankind. In his opening remarks he acknowledged several faiths by validating each of their religious leaders. One of the last ones he mentioned caught me by surprise. He stated that he knew that Jesus was the Christ.

I heard nothing else. I got up and had to leave (discretely). My whole existence was thrown off! And now I had to start at square one...again!

   

To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: A convert's story continues...

The Search

I have been asked the who, what, how, and why with regards to my joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Now I will tell you in written form...

As I look back now, it seems strange to realize that I had been searching for a place that felt right, a place where I belonged since I was about 9 years old. I came to the conclusion that the only place I would belong would be in a church or specific faith or religion. My family never made it a priority to truly attend or subscribe to a specific faith, just to have any place to go when we felt the need was all that was required. As a family we visited and attended Church of Christ, Presbyterian, Pentecostal, Lutheran, Baptist, Catholic... Each time, we stayed for a while until we moved or my mother wasn't interested any longer for whatever reason. My father seemed content wherever he went or even if he went at all. He wasn't against church or religion, he was a hard working man that wanted his days off to be void of any hassle (and if you attend ANY church, it's a hassle -- kids, spouse, car, time....)

When I was a teenager my mother was ready for a philosophy change and we went in search of new church. We landed in a local church for a while until she had conflicts within and I attended on my own. I made friends, I had good times, good memories with the people of this church. But like any family there were disagreements and harsh words. I started to come less and less frequently until the last time I came, the pastor took me aside and suggested that this particular church wasn't for me and asked me to leave.

 

I was hurt but it wasn't the first time this had happened to me. As a kid, I was asked not to come back to a church-run school. I asked too many questions... In the another church I was told I was "Satan's temptress" and told to leave... I was also told that if holy water ever touched me it would burn me.

I will freely admit I was not a good person. Maybe I was on the inside, maybe my spirit was good, but my actions were not. When I was 18 years old I went wild like a Disney child star. I did things I am not proud of and regret. But after a while the yearning to belong in a spiritual way pulled at my soul. Only, I didn't know how to begin. I searched with my mother in the past, but I had been away from home some time now and my mother stopped searching long ago. So I looked to the only people I knew that could help me with such a huge life-changing decision: celebrities!

I thought that Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and Kirstie Alley were smart and spiritual people that looked to have their lives in order, so why not try out their faith. I went to a local library and met with some very nice people who wanted to tell me more. I listened and was intrigued. I had only been by there a couple of times when I started to feel this might not be for me. Not anything remotely wrong with anything it just didn't feel right. This feeling is difficult to explain unless you have had first-hand experience but it's like trying to explain Love. It just is, you just are...I don't know...

A couple of weeks later I sat in my car going over my life choices with a good friend and well... this happened. But there were a few weeks of self-discovery and spiritual awakening. Maybe another post...

To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: A convert's story part 5

Before the age of 22, I could tell you the amount of times I cried on one hand. After 22: too numerous to count! It seems that ever since I have been baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I can cry at just about anything. To sound all cool and churchy I could say it's because of the gift of the Holy Ghost and that my heart is now broken and being put together and pricked in the way Heavenly Father needs it to be.

This is also where I would tell you I know I'm a nothing, a nobody, but again the Spirit corrects me and tells me I am of royalty. No, I'm not Cleopatra reincarnated, but that I am a daughter of God! And by being a daughter of God He has given me special gifts. We are all this cool because He gives all of us gifts. And like the scripture on the parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30) I must share them to increase those talents or gifts. When I share any talent I often feel very exposed. I feel as if I make one false note or step or do any part of it wrong, I am being judged harshly. I was treated thus by some people throughout the years and it always makes me second guess myself and my talents.

Often I feel overwhelmed by the Spirit because these gifts are so sacred to me (again with my sacred, not secret stuff). One sure-fire way to get me all choked up is to have me sing. It almost doesn't matter what song it is, if it has meaning or messages I cry. I also cry when talking about my hardships and trials because believe it or not, those are also sacred to me.

Today in church I sang "The Olive Tree" with a couple of awesome friends. When singing in a group I don't choke as often but when it comes to a solo...all bets are off. If any of you have ever heard me "sing" in church before you can guess what happened this time. Luckily it was at the very end and just a tiny part, but I just could not hold back those darn tears!

To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: A convert's story part 4

Baptism

I guess the polite way to describe my baptism is that it was "intimate". Another word would be "sacred" (yet another one of those sacred not secret events but again, feel free to ask in person). I was unsure of how it was supposed to go but it was my first step into the knowledge that my Father in Heaven knew me as an individual...as His own.

I had been baptized a few times by other churches on my path to discover where it was I truly belonged and which faith in fact had all the answers I was looking for. I had never intended to join the LDS faith, in fact, I had every intention to say no when asked to investigate further.

I never knew what a "Mormon" was until I was about 18 years old. I had a friend in high school who was Mormon but never knew what my friends meant when they said they don't hang out with her because she was one. It wasn't until I had moved in with family that I finally understood more about these Peculiar people. I would never fully understand until I fully committed myself to the faith.

When my friend Becca and I were talking about my life and the next steps I should take, one night in my car, she boldly asked if I would talk with the Missionaries. Like I said, I had every intention of saying, "no thank you," but what came out of my mouth surprised the both of us. I simply said, "yes," and three weeks later I was baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So many things happened during those three weeks, but that's another story....

To Be Found Peculiar Among the Peculiar People: A convert's story part 3

Being Peculiar inside a peculiar world, I have had my share of Ups and Downs...

--Not exactly being welcomed into The Fold
                Down

--Finding not only acceptance but Love where it was least expected (I was warned or at least cautioned in a similar fashion for both the Single's ward and Idaho)
                Up

--Discovering my kind of Peculiar was not appreciated in every ward
                Down

--Becoming a better and stronger person on my own and in the Gospel despite it all
                UP!