aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was doing so well,
what happened?

I suppose overall I'm doing ok again,

the doc's figured out that my extreame pain is/was causesd by gas in my intestines,

I have taken in the past 3 days nearly every controlled narcotic available, and none seem to really do much, I've gotten as much relief out of the gas x that took 3 days to get approved ( >p!!!) as I have out of illegal stuff (what the heck???)

I just want to be normal again, and I want to come home!!! and to be able to take care of myself, if that really too much to ask??

sorry if my venting bothers anyone,

Chrystal and jack hale came over to visit last min today, and I'm so grateful they came at my best overall of the day

please keep praying for me everyone, I still need it,

thank you, I love you all, Ben

Arizona Update - and the results are in . . .

Last night I won at bingo twice, I didn't like any of the prizes so I took a piece of the decor, and they allowed me, the picture is kinda bad but I like it =)

I know no one came here to see what I won at cancer patient bingo, so with n further ado

Today I had my "final exam" before surgery...

I feel very guilty for being disappointed, I have basically been praying for this result since I found out I have rectal cancer;

My body reacted very well to the chemo/radiation. (I'm very glad to know that misery wasn't for nothing) The tumor has shrunken significantly and the surgeon will not need to remove any of my internal organs completely. (just most of one)

Although compared to losing half of my pelvic organs and having a permanent colostomy, being told most of my rectum will be removed, (as well as assorted lymph nodes and some surrounding fat/tissue) with the remainder being reconnected to my large intestine feels like being told that;

"Instead of receiving a gun shot to my face it'll just be to my hand." (really I do prefer that, but it's kinda hard to be excited about it)

That said I am very grateful to everyone for all of their prayers, I feel I wouldn't be doing as well as I am without all of your love and support, but, of course, I will still need them to get through surgery, recovery and the remaining high dose chemo.

I know I ask alot of others, but I hoped that I might importune a few of you to "join me" in a fast, as i myself will not be allowed to eat this Sunday, (as preparation for the surgery) that my surgery goes well, quickly and for a rapid recovery so that I might return home as soon as possible

thank you all,

I love you,

Ben

Hey there...

I realize that I come off more than a little strong when talking about or trying to deal with what's going on right now with our little family. I apologize. I'm not very good at expressing any other emotion...except I think I have "anger" down pat! I know everyone is going through their own struggles, trial(s), personal hells, what have you and I know we could all use more than a little support. Right now what Ben and I could use is a little note from you to say,"hi, I'm thinking of you and I care." Everything is overwhelming for us right now and we just need to hear from you in a loving way. If you tell us what you need, we could try to accommodate. We know that we have been lacking in the "helpful" department and are trying to rectify that the best way we can right now. I understand a note isn't going to pay the bills, get you a job or save the world, but it might brighten your day. I know it would brighten ours. We are just looking for some virtual hugs right now, but if you are local, we will gladly accept the real thing too!

Sorry for the confusion

I have been (unsuccessfully) trying to blog via cell phone. As most of you know, we are home now. Ben will be heading back down to Arizona on the 29th of July and has surgery scheduled for the 3rd of August. Christopher and I will be staying behind unless Ben gets bad news about what kind of surgery needs to be done. The doctors won't know what kind of surgery there will be due to the location of the tumor, so we are waiting with baited breath to hear what they plan to do. I won't be going down because it takes a toll on Christopher (and Gus kitty). It has been two weeks now and Christopher is still trying to get used to being home. Half of his life has been living in a hotel! I will do my best to keep you all informed when Ben does go down to The Center, but for now I have to spend as much time with him as possible...I'm a bit needy and HATE it when he goes away!

Ben is back in the hospital and i am back at home...alone...again

Ben Update

So, sorry for the weird blog...I tried to update from my phone and it didn't translate very well. Anyway, we are home, but life is still strange and unreal. It seems that Ben, me and Christopher have changed but not our house or places around us. Ben says that we are not the same people and I'm starting to believe him.

Arizona Update:Sleeping!!

It's finally happened! Christopher has finally started to sleep through the night! The other night he slept almost 8 HOURS! Then he will wake up to eat for about an hour then go back to sleep for another 3 to 4 hours. Isn't that GREAT! Of course, right now, I'm tired because Christopher decided to break up his sleeptime into three intervals instead of just the two, but that's ok. Finally the evening is not the scariest time of the day for me. I can actually handle the nights on my own...sort of. I still really need the company. Having Ben next to me even though he can't help out much is like having the little night light on...it scares away all the boogymen even just with that little light.

OH! That reminds me. We might be able to come home in a week from today! We will LOVE to have everyone over...just as soon as I can clean my house. We left in such a hurry that I never actually got any housecleaning done and I know my house is such a mess.

The scheduling here wants Ben to come back for surgery just two weeks after being home so we're trying to get that all settled in the next two days or so. So, here's my chance to solicite any and every one...I could use some companionship during the days and nights while Ben is gone. It looks like when he goes back down for surgery he might be at The Center for two weeks or so and I don't do well when he is gone. I know everyone has their own things going on so I won't ask anyone directly. Just a play-date or a sleep-over or even just an hour to sit and talk. I'm still having a real hard time dealing with Ben's cancer and having to watch him be in so much discomfort and fatigued. It's difficult still, knowing there is nothing I can do to stop his pain.