...It's how you keep moving forward.
Okay. I think I'm ready to move on now. I'm still angry about the situation and mad at God, but I'll get over it. I'm ready to stop whining and start being there for Ben and for Christopher. I do realize there are some good things that have and will come from all of this craziness. Like, all the friends we have made, whether they're here just for this "season" or they're here for always. The point is, they are here. And I think Ben will be appreciated more...I hope. I know I sometimes took it for granted how good I have it with Ben at my side. He does A LOT...nearly everything! He has been there for me through all of my miscarriages, even when I didn't want to be here at all. He did everything except carry Christopher when I was pregnant! He had to give me the very painful drugs and I can't even be there while others do that to him. I know Ben deserves better than what he's had so far. I can't go back and try to make it up to him, I can just do better.
There are two examples that I'm going to emulate from now on. One was from a Relief Society lesson where someone was given a small stack of books. The teacher said to try and lift up that stack of books. The woman looked a bit confused and wondered what the trick was (as there is with all object lessons), but she eventually picked up the books. It was easy. The books were light, no problem. The books were set back down and the teacher told the woman to simply pick up the books. Without hesitation, the woman lifted the books. The lesson:"try". If you try, you might hesitate and wonder if it can be done, but if told to simply DO then you know what is expected and you do.
The other example is from going to a friend's church last week. Her preacher used the example of the ATM machine. In the ATM our hard earned cash awaits us. We approach the machine and it commands us right away to put in our pin number. Without batting an eyelash we obey. We go through a series of other commands to finally reap our reward (our money) and walk away now prepared to do whatever we had intended. But the preacher said that suppose the ATM machine was God. He gives us our series of commands so that we may reap our rewards and gifts from Him. Except when He asks, we hesitate. We ask,"Why?" If we respond the same way to God the same way we do to the ATM, life would go a lot smoother.
SO...I'm going to stop butting heads with God...I'm going to stop "trying" and do better at "doing". And when He asks me to GO I won't ask why I will just go. I'm not perfect and I have acquired some bad habits, but I'm ready to learn how to do better. I know I will screw up sometimes along the way, but I know I won't be judged on how I fell but on how I kept on going.